


When growing up feels like burning out

by ElephantLoveMedley



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Drinking, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 44,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElephantLoveMedley/pseuds/ElephantLoveMedley
Summary: How Aaron Minyard managed to juggle med school, a difficult relationship with his brother, being an athlete and making new friends that maybe aren't just friends.
Relationships: Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose
Comments: 216
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> I just wanted to write something from Aaron's point of view and explore Katelyn's character more, because I love her.  
> Please let me know if I should add some tags or warning.

The snow crunched loud under his boots, he kept the headphones in his ears to try and listen to the world more clearly: maybe this time he'll get it. Without distractions, immersed in a white world where everyone could stand out.

He was trying to blend in, be on the background. He always felt like a secondary character: he was his mother's son, the armpiece of his new popular girlfriend, Andrew's twin and now Kevin Day's teammate. He didn't mind being second, third, fourth. He didn't mind, but just this time he wanted to be the best. He knew it was still a relatively small place to be best in, but Palmetto was a starting point, the only one he could afford. So, he tried.

  
He was heading back from his professor's studio, white paper clenched in one of his fists: only two red marks on it. It was something, not enough, but still something. He liked small victories, the little things he could get.

  
Nicky had tried for so long to get an answer out of him. Why medicine? Why now? His answer was always the same: money.   
His answer was always a lie.  
It has always been easy for him to take a direction, to get results. He had never cared for long distance improvement, the only results that mattered were the one he could get fast. Now.

  
That's when drugs started looking so appealing, when his girlfriends stopped being helpful, not that they had stopped trying. Sometimes he wished that people would just give up on him, let him be, let him get lost.   
There was always a solution, always. He believed in that.  
He didn't need help, he would get up and start again everytime he decided, everytime he changed his mind.   
Andrew was self destructive; he was just tired.

  
It was true that he had never touched heavy drugs again after Andrew's intervention, but it was also true that sometimes he spent whole days thinking about it and trying to fight the urge. He had seen Matt relapse, however, and he was studying medicine: he was tired, but not stupid.

  
He managed to get his little victories at the nights at Eden with cracker dust and pretty girls, hidden by the crowd and the shadows.  
He had always been successful with girls, he didn't get why. He knew he was good looking, he had the build of an athlete, but he was also the shortest person he knew (except for Andrew) and he knew for sure he was not the most friendly. Besides, he never did much: he liked girls, he liked cuddling, he *loved* napping together and making out, but he was a private person. Sex was not a priority for him (he would have never agreed to Andrew's deal if it was) and he was not really fond of deep conversation. He liked his truths to stay close to his heart and his reactions to not show on his face.

  
The snow was melting at the entrance of the Foxes' dorm, he could hear Allison all the way from the ground floor. He braced himself, sighed, and kept marching on. When he arrived on his floor he was welcomed by a bunch of football players and some Vixens. He shouldered past them to get to his room, and there she was: the girl who cheered for him.

  
Well, admittedly all the girls cheered for him, but she was special. She was always the first one to stand up when he managed a good check, she didn't seem particularly involved, but she was there. He thought that maybe she did it because they shared some classes, they knew each other's faces.

  
She was hard to miss. 

  
Well, that wasn't true either. She was so easy to miss, all brown hair and glasses, always in the background and rarely smiling. She made you feel comfortable, like she was supposed to be there. She just made sense. For Aaron she was like one of those words you couldn't stop overhearing once you had learned their meaning: she was not the most outstanding, but you couldn't help but feel a little excited when you noticed her. He felt like he was being let in in a secret.  
She never smiled at him, she nodded. It was good for Aaron, it was more than enough when he didn't expect anything at all.  
Aaron nodded back and entered his room. Nicky was there, preparing the last few things to go and visit Erik in Germany. Andrew and him would spend Christmas in Columbia, how fun.

  
"Hey, Aaron! How did the test go?"

  
Aaron held up the paper to Nicky's eyes and walked past him to the fridge.

  
"98%, that's really good. You did well this semester, didn't you?" Nicky was smiling, he was always smiling.

  
Aaron took the ice cream out of the fridge and nodded. "I did good. Could have been better, but it's good."

  
"Aaron you're studying medicine and you're playing exy, I think that's more than good. That's genius!"

  
Aaron grunted: he loved when people complimented him, but he hated when he couldn't agree with them. "Thanks, Nicky." His ears were pink, as was his neck and his chest, but Nicky couldn't see it.

  
"That's true, Aaron." 

  
He kept smiling.

Aaron shoved a bowl of ice cream at him and headed to his room: food and sleep were waiting for him.

While he was settling down he heard Nicky ask the same questions to Andrew and Kevin while they played videogames. He listened to him compliment them over their achievements and grades, but he never heard him use the same words he had told him. 

  
He was grateful for Nicky. He knew he didn't show it, but he would get there. Every time he thought about Nicky coming back from Germany to literally save their lives he felt so relieved.  
He was grateful, not because Nicky was the only way to make it, but because he was the best one. Aaron never had the opportunity to choose what was best for him and this time it was chosen for him: no fights, no battles.  
He was so happy to have someone to lean on, not always, but when it got rough. He finally felt like he could rest, not always, but he knew that when he reached his limits there would be someone to handle him.  
He wanted to be left alone, but he was so tired.   
He knew he could make it on his own, but he was so relieved to have someone backing him up.  
He was grateful.

He slept his way through the next day and was woken up by Nicky's last preparations before his flight. Andrew was already awake and bugging Kevin to get up. Aaron didn't understand why Kevin had to be with them all the time, but he didn't dare ask. He knew it was probably some kind of deal, like the one he had with Andrew, but he couldn't figure out what it was all about.

  
Andrew had been under medication since last year, Aaron had difficulties remembering him without that grin on his face. They hadn't spent a lot of time together and they barely talked to each other, but he felt like he knew Andrew: he was his last line before the drop and had proved it by helping with his addiction. He still couldn't forgive him for how he had treated Tilda, but he knew that in the end she was his mother, not Andrew's. 

  
He still missed her and he hated himself for it at times. Like he hated himself for needing Andrew, for making sure he was still there, always there. He was the one to patch him up and take care of him when he hurt himself, he didn't know why Andrew trusted him but not Abby; but, then again, he didn't know why he trusted Andrew. He knew he just did. Maybe it was the promise that there will always be someone no matter what. Maybe it was the fact that this someone didn't have to like you and you didn't have to like him. It was just a fact, no "what if": Andrew was there and will always be there, like Aaron was there for him. Maybe only physically, only in silence and in scornful words, but he was there.

  
Andrew was there and the sun was shining. They were facts, unchangeable. Except that he could still question the second one when it was dark.

  
Kevin finally arose and started moving to the kitchen, so Aaron headed for the bathroom. It didn't take a lot of time to get ready, but he lingered, thinking about Nicky and the holidays he was going to spend in Andrew and Kevin's company. He was gonna miss Nicky's attempts at conversation, but at least he was sure that there'll be vodka. He didn't much like Kevin, he admired him as a player and hated his grades, but he had to admit he had good taste in alcohol. He hadn't drunk a drop of cheap vodka since Kevin transferred.

  
"Aaron! We're leaving!"

  
"I'm coming!" He huffed and joined the others at the door. 

  
When they reached the car he helped Nicky with his suitcase and got in the backseat. Nicky used to sit in the front, but now it was Kevin's privilege to ride shotgun. Aaron didn't understand it, but he didn't really mind, he was used to Andrew's schemes and deals and he was mostly ok with them. Nicky, on the other hand, always demanded an explanation and always got nothing as an answer.

  
Sometimes Aaron hated Andrew, but he still understood him. They were both private people and they tended to share so little of them with the world. Aaron was jealous of his identity, sometimes he was afraid that if he were to speak some truths aloud they would then fade away. He had ideas, he spoke his mind, but ideas and passions were two very different things. Between saying I think and saying I love stood an abyss and he was trying so hard to find a way around it than across it. 

  
He had feelings, everyone had, sometimes they were too weak and sometimes too strong. He was afraid of getting lost in them, so he stirred away from them: the only ones that mattered were the strong ones after all, weren't them?

He hugged Nicky at the airport, before he left. It was all he could do.

  
"Have a good flight, Nicky."

  
"Thank you, Aaron!" Nicky smiled. "Don't kill each other while I'm gone. And don't kill Kevin!"

  
"Ok, Nicky." Nicky ruffled his hair. Andrew was already turning to the exit, Kevin beside him.

  
Aaron waved and jogged to them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we properly meet Katelyn. I hope you like the way I write, I know it's a bit different from what the fandom thinks of her, but I really wanted to show another side of her, one that might challenge Aaron and interest him.  
> I think Aaron needs a challenge and I think he liked Katelyn because she is one, but she can be kind too.   
> Hope you like it!

Like every year, after Christmas, the foxes had their session with doctor Dobson.  
Aaron hated it. Maybe he hated her.  
Andrew had his turn before, paired with Kevin. It felt like they were the twins now, attached at the hip, always together. Maybe Aaron hated that too. 

So, he found himself squished in the front seat of Allison pink convertible, waiting for Allison to end her make out session and drive them to the studio. Seth managed to glare at him even with his tongue down Allison's throat.  
Aaron huffed: as if. Allison was maybe the second worst person to have as a teammate.  
Wymack came outside to yell at Seth and Aaron thanked the gods above for the intervention. 

She didn't drive as recklessly as Andrew, but just as fast. They were at Dobson's in five minutes, not a word between them, cheery pop songs in the background. Aaron wanted to scream.

The wait for Allison's appointment to finish was shorter than for his own. He hated doctor Dobson, he hated her hot chocolate and her mindless chatter. It was the scientific facts he couldn't ignore, but they were scarce, as she couldn't find out what exactly interested him.

"So, how did Christmas go? Andrew mentioned you spent it together." 

Right, because Andrew talked to her. He couldn't fucking understand him.   
Christmas went well after all, considering all his other experiences. Kevin and Andrew weren't his favourite people in the world, but, to be honest, he didn't think he had a favourite person. Maybe Nicky.  
They ate and watched tv and went to Eden. He studied. It was cool, quiet. It was good.  
He had anticipated more fights, but he was relieved when nothing happened. He even managed to spend some time with Andrew and he didn't regret it. It was good.

It was good till he thought about his mum. He missed her, especially during this time of the year. It was not like they were a proper family, but sometimes they could fake. She used to buy him a present (in the last period it was drugs, but the thought was still there). He liked it, he never got presents, not even on his birthday. Especially not for his birthday.  
He even thought about some of his friends from school, his girlfriends, their words. He had lost them all, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He had Nicky and Andrew now and he was used to be alone anyway.

"So, what do you think about Kevin? How is he doing?"

Doctor Dobson didn't give up. He knew she never would, but he sure as hell wasn't going to crack either.  
He looked at the clock: three more minutes. He watched every second tick away. He stood up, Dobson was still in the middle of a sentence.  
He walked out the door.

Allison wasn't there anymore, he huffed. He went in the waiting room to look for her, but she wasn't there either. Only two of the Vixens were sitting on the couch, in uniform, one of them with a hoodie covering her hair. He knew that hair.  
He wanted to nod at her, but she was looking at her hands.

"Stephanie Williams, Doctor Dobson is ready."  
One of the cheer leaders stood up, Aaron moved to the side to let her walk to Betsy's office. 

He looked again at the waiting room, straightened his back, sighed and let his shoulders fall. He took a step forward, hands firmly in his orange sweater's pockets.  
"Sorry."  
She looked up, a foggy gaze met his eyes.   
"Have you seen a blond girl leaving? She drives a pink car?"   
"Yes, Allison was leaving when we came in."  
"You know her?"  
"Everyone does."  
Aaron nodded and looked at the clock on the wall, he started for the door.  
"Wait. Do you have ten minutes to spare?"  
Well, yes. He guessed he had ten minutes, if he ran all the way back to the court he could say that the walk took that long, plus, he could blame his delay on Allison. It was a win-win situation, really.  
"Yeah, why?"  
"Just, stay here till someone else comes in."  
He still didn't understand, but he sat down on the couch. Hands still firmly in his pockets.

He could hear the girl breathing heavily, so he started taking deep regular breaths.   
Apparently it didn't help.  
He saw Kevin having panic attacks and noticed how he would calm down when Andrew talked to him. He had studied the dynamic, he knew how he could help. He knew he should try to talk, but what did he know about her?  
"Are the Vixens forced to come here twice a year, too?"  
She took a deep breath. "Yes."  
"Do you like her?"  
"Who?" She held on tight on her clasped hands.  
"Dobson."  
"Yes."   
Aaron couldn't agree.  
"You?"  
"No."  
"Don't like her or her job?"  
"Both." He was stone faced. "You? Do you like her job?"  
She huffed a breathy laugh. "No."  
"Are you having a panic attack because of the appointment?"  
"I'm not having a panic attack."  
"Sure."  
"I'm not." She fell silent then.  
"You don't mind if I go to practice then, do you?"  
Her breathing was heavier now, but she still looked composed, except for the red splotches on her skin. "No."  
Aaron laid back on the couch and stayed. She glared.   
"Talk, then. If you must stay." She didn't look at him when she talked, eyes fixed on her twisted hands, sweater bunched up at the elbows and red splotches covering her forearms.  
"I'm not big on talking, what do you want to hear?"  
"Just say something, a lullaby, I don't even care."  
He thought for a moment and then started reciting the Iliad's beginning. He had to study it during high school, he might as well use it now.  
"And then?"  
"Then what?"  
"How does it continue?"  
"I don't know, I don't know the whole Iliad by heart."  
"Shame." Her breath had evened out a bit.  
She looked at him, straightened her back and started reciting the poem from the beginning. She didn't get really far, but she made it further than Aaron. He was impressed.  
"Do you like the Iliad?"  
"I like the rage."  
Aaron stared at her, his bored gaze trying to grasp something in her foggy one. A minute passed, her friend walked out of Dobson's office.  
"Katelyn Flores, it's your turn."  
She slowly stood up, stone faced and looking right in front of her. She covered her arms with the sweater and started walking.   
Aaron looked at the other cheer leader. He stood up, too.  
"Hey."   
Katelyn looked back.   
"My name is Aaron."  
She nodded, he nodded back.  
He jogged all the way back to the court.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Third chapter here.   
> What do you think about Katelyn? I know it's early to say, but what's the gut feeling?
> 
> Hope you enjoy!  
> Thanks to everyone that commented and left kudos, they make my day! 💛

"So, how did your appointment with Betsy go?"  
"Fine, Nicky, it was fine."  
Nicky grimaced. "Fine meaning that you didn't talk to her at all?"  
"Yeah. And I still don't understand why you keep talking to her."  
"Aaron, you know why we talk to her, she helps us."  
Aaron scoffed and crossed his arms. "I see."  
"I don't understand why you trust Wymack with your story and not her."  
Aaron looked at Nicky like he had just asked the most obvious questions in the world. "I *had* to tell Wymack to get a scholarship."  
"So it's just for gain?" Now it was Nicky who sounded disbelieving.  
"And what else?"  
"Friendship, trying to become a functioning adult," he was listing every item on the fingers of his right hand, movements frantic and wild eyes. "Trust, not wanting to live the rest of this life in a fucking unhealthy mental space? Doesn't all of this ring any bell?"  
"No."  
"Sometimes you're worse than your brother." If Aaron didn't know Nicky any better he would have thought that he was disgusted by the conversation. "I didn't raise you like that."  
"You didn't raise us, Nicky." He sounded almost bored. Sometimes he thought he could understand how Andrew felt all of the time.  
"You're right, I didn't raise you, but I sure as fuck care about you and I don't know if you can even say that about your own mother."  
Aaron growled. "Don't talk about her."  
"I won't, but maybe you should."  
Nicky stood up and left the room.

Aaron didn't know why he cared or bothered, really, but Nicky was different. Nicky was family and, for how much he disliked some quirks and ideas of his, he couldn't let him go. He wasn't like one of his high school friends, the ones he was too high to remember and the ones who hurt him too much to forget. He couldn't afford to lose Nicky, not now that he had no one else, not now that Andrew was on his medication and especially not now that Kevin was here. 

He envied Kevin a bit and he resented Andrew a lot. He resented Andrew because he was supposed to be the worst twin, but he had managed to make a friend before him. He knew that he had made a deal with Kevin, like the one he had with Aaron, but there was something else in that relationship. Aaron could see the complete trust in Kevin's eyes, he could see that Andrew cared about Kevin and Andrew had never cared about anything: he had told him to go fuck himself before they even met. Him, his brother, his blood. His twin.

Aaron was no stranger to jealousy, but he was also used to "enough". Nicky had made him acquainted with the possibilities, with the concept of more. Nicky and his postcards from Germany, Nicky and his husband-to-be Eric, Nicky and his optimism. No, it wasn't even optimism, it was realism, but Aaron was so used to look at the world in black and white.

"Fuck!" He kicked one of the bean bags and went to the kitchen: if he couldn't talk his rage out on someone, then he would stress-eat his ice cream.  
Screw the world. 

He opened the box and took a spoon with him, leaving the towel behind. He would sit on the couch and freeze slowly to death, he didn't care. He wanted his hands to feel numb, he wanted the ice to reach his heart and numb the rage that filled it. Sometimes he thought that rage was his default state, but he could remembered when it hadn't been like that. He remembered love for his mother and hope for his unknown brother. He remembered how grateful he was when Nicky took them in. 

The problem was that he could also remember fear. Fear and despair and loneliness.  
Fear and despair. And, above all, this deep sense of injustice. How many promises had been taken away from him? How many dreams? That's why he was so full of rage and hatred and disappointment towards the world, because he already had nothing, but it managed to still take something away from him.  
Someone.

They were just words, but they were his future and now he wasn't even sure if it was true, if it was going to happen, but he was trying. Fucking hell, he was trying so hard.

He knew he was only fueled by rage and spite, he knew it wasn't healthy, but it was either this or nothing at all.  
It was either burning along with the gasoline in the engine that was his life or not moving at all. And so he went on.

He looked at his hands, at the red spots that the cold ice cream had left on his tights. He shrugged, he hated being cold anyway.

He couldn't think about smoke, the lingering odour of his mother's bad habits. He couldn't think about her and Andrew and how he had disappointed Nicky.  
He went to bed, tomorrow was the beginning of another semester. His backpack was ready, waiting for him on his chair, his clothes already picked out.  
He stared at the ceiling, he was so tired. He fell asleep.

The next day he woke up before everyone else, nobody had classes at 8 in the morning, but he did. He didn't mind the calm, the routine, he could pretend to have the apartment all by himself. It helped him settle in his skin.

Sometimes he listened to music, but today, the first day, he didn't bother. He didn't need distractions.  
He burnt a toast and ate it, grabbed his orange juice and headed to class. He had lab hours on Monday morning and he dreaded having to pick his partner, he hoped he could at least get a sit in the front of the class so that he could easily watch every demonstration.

When he entered the lab he saw that almost every seat was taken. It wasn't his fault that he didn't like being early: he was never late, but also never early.  
He scanned the room, empty bottle of orange juice in hand. His eyes landed on long brown hair hidden by a hoodie. He let the bottle fall in the trash can with a cluttering sound.  
She looked up at him.  
He raised his eyebrow and nodded at the person next to her, she nodded and he walked up to her desk.  
"Move."  
The red haired guy next to Katelyn looked up at him: "Beg your pardon."  
"Move." Aaron repeated, and started placing his things on the desk. The boy looked at Katelyn, but she just shrugged.  
He stood up, indignation on his face and in his voice, and bumped against Aaron's shoulder in his attempt to get away. Aaron didn't budge.  
"Do you prefer being next to the wall or the corridor?"  
"Wall."  
"Ok. You can shift if you want. It's the same for me."  
Katelyn shifted and Aaron settled down.  
At least he knew someone this semester.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudos, you're all so kind!  
> Hope you like this chapter! 💛

Lab was a boring affair.

  
Aaron already knew most of the things that the professor proposed and, apparently, so did Katelyn. They never really spoke, but they worked well together. Both of them concentrating on their formulas and checking the answer on the black board, every time they were correct and every time Katelyn highlighted the result. She had a big set of pastel highlighters that Aaron found soothing and she rarely used orange, Aaron thanked the heavens for that. 

  
He doodled instead, little geometrical patterns lining the margin of his papers. He never doodled on his textbooks, they were too expensive and he always tried to sell them at the end of the semester. He'd like to keep them, but he couldn't afford to, if he wanted to move after graduation. Every penny was worth it. 

  
"Have you already choosen your elective?"

  
"Uh?" Aaron gazed up from his constellations of smudged ink.

  
Katelyn smiled, a little. In her eyes. "Have you already chosen an elective? I'm having trouble finding one that works with practice and the rest of my lessons?"

  
"You're doing med school?"

  
She looked at him like it was obvious and didn't reply. And, yes, of course, she was right, but he had never been good at talking about life. 

  
He cleared his throat: "Well, there's a debate class and an economics class, but they're both early in the morning."

  
"Yeah, well, that's not a problem." She waved her hand. She had nice hands, but they were badly manicured with chipped nail polish and smudged pen ink. Aaron liked the look. "So what did you choose?"

  
"Debate."

  
"You like arguing?"

  
"Only when I'm pissed."

  
She snorted and Aaron's blushed. "What?"

Nothing happened. He frowned. "What?"

  
"Nothing. It's, like, you always seem pissed."

  
"Oh." He regained his composure. "Well, I argue a lot."

  
After that they relapsed into silence, just casually checking each other's homework and preparing the experiments.

When they finished Katelyn waited for Aaron to move away from the desk before standing up and heading to the door. She waved a hand behind her, not turning to look at Aaron.

"See you!"

Aaron nodded, but she had already left.

After his classes he went to lunch, sitting in front of Allison and Seth making out just to appease Dan and her ideas of team bonding.

Kevin frowned at him everytime he picked up a french fry, he finished his and started picking at Nicky's ones. 

  
Nicky talked about Eric and how he missed him, then he tried to flirt with Kevin, who blushed, but didn't reciprocate. 

  
When Nicky's jokes became dirty and Allison's hands moved to Seth's hair, Aaron got up.   
He hated that bullshit. Who even needed a significant other? Allison and Seth always ended up arguing anyway. He didn't know of a single marriage that lasted or was happy. 

Was it so difficult to just be alone? No. He spoke from experience. It was so easy to not fall in love, he had never. It was so easy to "keep it in your pants", even without Andrew's deal. He didn't know why people bothered.

He was so, so angry all the time, he didn't need another person to babysit. Why should someone commit so much of their lives just for some kisses in return? 

  
He had dated a lot of girls, so he knew that all that "butterlies in my stomach" and "I can't help myself" bullshit wasn't true. Everyone could help themselves, everyone could think logically and rationally, so why didn't they? That was stupid, just so stupid.

  
He kicked an empty coke can to the overflowing bin and walked away. He wished he had something to do, but he knew that wouldn't work. 

  
He had known this kind of rage for a long time. It was the kind of rage that came from being let down one too many times, from being let down by the people who had promised it would never happen. He knew he was difficult and that he didn't deserved anything for free, but he hadn't asked them to promise him everything would be alright. _They_ had promised him. 

He hitched his backpack higher on his shoulders.

It was the kind of rage that simmered, the one that was so powerful and full of energy that it paralysed him, like it couldn't find a way to escape. 

  
He never acted on it, he wasn't dangerous or impulsive. This kind of rage, the one that never left him, wasn't the kind that blinded you, he had never experienced that.

This rage was the one that made everything clear, everything real. It didn't paint reality in red, it just toned down the contrast, leaving everything in a jumbled mess of grays and yellows and blues.

It was the colour of bruises, when they started to fade.

It wasn't the fight, it was the aftermath.

The loss.

He found a bench and sat on it.

There were people who needed to keep their minds occupied to not think about their emotions, Aaron just needed to sit down and let the world go by.

He never closed his eyes, that would bring back memories that he couldn't afford to detangle. He usually ended up thinking about drugs when he closed his eyes. 

He knew it was only psychological. It had passed too much time, since Andrew's impromptu rehab clinic, to feel a physical craving for the substances. He knew that and he knew that it could take just one pill to make him relapse and never get up again, but sometimes it was so hard. 

So many times he had woken up at night and thought about crossing the hall to Seth's room. The only thing keeping him from doing it was his pride and the pure dislike that he had for Seth. And, well, also Andrew. He couldn't do it to him, he had promised. And Nicky, he couldn't let him down after he had given up everything just to give them another chance.

Guilt.

He had realised it was guilt keeping him from relapsing again, he just didn't like admitting it to himself. If he started with guilt then he'll have to deal with shame, spite, hatred and all the awful things that came with it. 

He shook his head. 

"Aaron?"

"Katelyn?" She smiled so bright. He couldn't take even this today. "What's up?"

She sat down on the bench. Why was she sitting down on the bench?

"I just came back from the office. I enrolled for the debate class."

Ok, maybe her smile wasn't so bright. It actually looked pretty small, shy even. Maybe it wasn't there at all. "You did?" 

"Yeah, they gave me a list with some topics." She handed over a piece of paper.

Aaron had already read it, but he took it nonetheless. He read out loud: "Climate changes, abortion, American school system, homelessness... Pretty light, uh?"

She chuckled, still in her hoodie and her chipped nail polish.

Aaron smiled.   
He couldn't remember the last time he had made someone laugh. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> So, I don't really like how this chapter is written, yesterday it was good, but today I feel like it doesn't flow right.   
> Hope you still like it!

So. Maybe he had made a friend.

When he arrived at debate class he took a seat and left one between him and the wall, for Katelyn.

When she arrived, she didn't even question it and sat down. 

She nodded and he nodded back, nothing more. He felt a bit let down, but didn't say anything. She seemed off today. Her sleeves were rolled down, but he could still see how red her neck and cheeks were.

"You ok?"

"Yes." She hissed through gritted teeth. She was vicious.

He shrugged and looked ahead, where the professor was projecting today's topic and telling them to work in pairs to acquaint themselves.

"Light topic today: how to make media more accessible." Aaron could hear her shallow breathing. "So, wanna go first?" He even managed a half smile. He knew he was being an asshole.

She looked at him straight in the eyes, took a pen out of her backpack and really calmly started writing on her notebook. Big, round letters and blue ink.

She folded the piece of paper and handed it to Aaron with a strained smile. He opened it and laughed, really actually laughed out loud.

_"Maybe we should give the people some fucking support to write on, instead of forcing them to talk."_

"Well, you're right." He could still hear she had trouble breathing. "Let's do this: I'll give you my opinion and keep talking, if you at least promise to nod at me so that I know you're still here."

She spoke through gritted teeth. "Ok, you big asshole."

"Well, you sure as fuck pick your few words carefully."

She waved her hand in a go on gesture and rolled up her sleeves.

He started talking. 

When he finished to explain his part and Katelyn seemed a bit less anxious he passed the papers to her. She didn't take them and he didn't ask for an answer. 

"I was wondering if you'd prefer sitting near the window next time, so that we can open it if you need to cool down and take a breath."

She nodded and took the papers, writing something on the side and highlighting some words. "I mostly agree with your take on this, I just think that it could be better."

When she started talking he couldn't help but agree with her and found himself taking notes.

She didn't look at him while speaking and she seemed more confident that way.

She didn't look at anyone and it reminded Aaron of Andrew, bulldozing his way through a task; but, where Andrew was practice, she was theory.

She reminded him of himself.

  
A few times he had thought about himself and Andrew as opposite ends of a spectrum, but they found themselves both leaning towards the fucked up end of the spectrum to be properly balanced. So yeah, he restricted the possibilities and worked with what he had.

Where Andrew was practical, he was theoretical. Where Andrew was brute force, he was cutting words. Where Andrew was leading, he followed, even if sometimes it inconvenienced him.

He had spent most of his life pushing through everything, battling his demons, now he was too tired to care. He just wanted to arrive, he didn't care how. The end justified the means and all that.

He had his short term goal and he was gonna get it, that was all that mattered.

  
When debate class was over he put his things quickly away, so that Katelyn could stand and leave when she wanted. She said goodbye and when she walked out the door she turned back and waved at him.

He waved back.

  
When he arrived back to the dorm for lunch he decided to cook for himself and Nicky, as they were the only ones there. He wanted to make everything right again after their discussion, but he didn't want to use his words for it, after all, the fight they had, was all his smart mouth's fault. He boiled some water and started cooking the meat, Nicky's favorite dish was carbonara, so Aaron decided to go all out.

He was a pretty decent cook, after all the years spent with his mom.

He didn't know how to make a lot of food, but the few he knew were pretty good. He was specialized in pasta, easy and quick to cook, but he could stand his own with meat and vegetables. He didn't know how to cook fish, but it was too expensive anyway, so it didn't matter.

One of Aaron's best memory was the few time his mom decided to bake and let him help with the biscuits. The last time they did it he had been probably five, but it was one of his clearest memories. The others, especially of their last two years together, tended to be blurred by the drugs and the pain.

He thought it was better that way.

He missed her.

  
"Ohh, carbonara!" Nicky bolted into the kitchen, backpack still slung on his shoulders. "My, god. You're the best cousin."

Aaron was engulfed by Nicky and his new perfume. He hugged him back, it was Nicky's way of showing him they were all right.   
They ate on the beanbags in the living room, Nicky talking about everything, but especially Eric.

Aaron didn't mind the company.

So, yeah, things with Nicky were okay. He could hear him chatter off about it with Eric. His homeworks were ready, he was on top of all his classes and practice was going well.

He was so tired. Why was he always so tired?

He cleaned the dishes and went to bed to take a nap or sleep till morning, he didn't know. He brushed his teeth and went to his bedroom.

He stared at the ceiling, looked at the calendar beside his bed: 8 more months to go before the summer. He didn't know why he even bothered about the countdown, it was not like he had plans, nor someone to spend it with. Besides, he liked going to school, it kept him busy.

He thought he was the only person on the planet who just liked the idea of the passing of time. He liked seeing the colors of the seasons change and the pages of the calendar diminish.

He liked marking one more day down on the infinite number he still had to go through. He liked spending all his week looking forward to Friday night and then dreading it when it came.

It wasn't the event the countdown led to, it was more the countdown itself. The sure passing of time, the constant it brought with it, the routine.

Aaron sighed and turned his face to the wall.

He closed his eyes and went to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Hope you like this chapter. Thank you so much for the kudos and the comments, I really enjoy reading them and hearing other opinions on Aaron's character.   
> 💛💛💛
> 
> Also, there's a lot of swearing in this chapter.

The problem with being angry at the world is that the world never says sorry. You always have to be the bigger person, the one to take the first step, to make the first move. Arrive at a compromise.

Aaron didn't want to be the bigger person.

"Why the fuck, Nicky?" Aaron hissed. "Why did you do it? Have you seen her: 'what name did you give me?' Is this some kind of bullshit?!"

He was pacing and furious and pacing.

"Aaron, I'm so sorry. You looked like you liked her."

"I always fucking look like I like them, Nicky!"

"Shh, don't yell, you'll wake up Andrew and Kevin."

"And what the fuck should I do?!" Aaron threw his phone on his bed. "She keeps fucking texting me, it's four in the fucking morning."

He sank on the chair and held his head in his hands. "Where's the dust? Kevin didn't use it." He got up.

"Aaron, no, you already had yours." Nicky moved in front of the door.

"Yeah and now I need more. Move."

Nicky crossed his arms. "No."

"Nicky, move away from my fucking door. It's your fucking fault, now you get to solve it. Move."

"No, that's not fair and you know it. You don't get to use it against me."

"Move, Nicky!" He exploded. "Get the fuck away from my room! You made me do it, now you let me solve it! Move!"

He was so loud he was shaking. Nicky looked sad and scared at the same time, arms still crossed on his chest.

The door opened.

"What's going on?" Andrew let himself in: chamomile mug in one hand and knife in the other. There was apathy on his face, but the twitch in his fingers gave him away.

Aaron deflated immediately. "Nothing."

After all he couldn't tell his brother, who had made him promise to never date a girl, that the problem was, in fact, a girl's number. That Nicky had basically forced him to leave her his number after Aaron had spent the last two hours making out with her. That he often did this, that the reason he went to Eden was for the dust, the booze and the people.

He couldn't.

"Nothing."

Andrew handed him the mug. "Then go to sleep and don't bother me." He waved Nicky away with his knife, waited for Aaron to finish his drink and went back to bed.

Aaron changed his clothes and brushed his teeth. He looked at the number of notifications on his phone and felt a surge of anxiety. He switched off the phone and borrowed it under the covers, then he closed his eyes.

He couldn't sleep. His heart was too loud.

He didn't sleep, so he was the first one to get up. Nicky followed right after and started making breakfast. Aaron glared at him the whole time. He knew Nicky could feel him.

He cracked.

"Listen, Aaron, I'm sorry. I didn't want to force you, it just seemed like you needed a push to make the first move. You always find a girl at Eden, but you always leave alone."

Aaron huffed. "Yeah, great idea, Nicky: let's show up with a stranger and see how my violent, medicated, homicidal brother reacts."

Nicky looked exasperated. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

"What did you mean, then?"

"I mean, maybe you're a player, but why do you hook up with all these girls and then leave them. Take their number, talk to them, fuck them. I don't know, just have some fun, Aaron!"

"I have fun, that's why I fucking do it." He was holding his mug so tightly that he swore he could hear it crack.

"I mean, more fun." Nicky wiggled his eyebrows and smirked. Aaron could punch him.

He stood up instead. "Maybe I don't want to." He walked to the living room.

"Oh, come on, Aaron, everyone likes it."

And that was the problem.

He remembered his girlfriends in high school asking him if he was gay, telling him that he was faking it, blaming him of wasting their time.

He remembered himself blaming the alcohol, telling them he wasn't in the mood, asking them if they were sure.

He remembered the many break ups he went through. Too many times. He was always left, but he always had a replacement. He was with the right crowd after all: drugs, booze, skate, sex. They were bad boys, but not too mean. They broke the rules, but never did anything too illegal.

Naturally, as time passed, he started having a real excuse: the drugs. Andrew had stopped him on that front. He also believed he had put an end to his sex life. He didn't know Aaron basically never had one.

It wasn't like he didn't want it, but he was never comfortable enough with the girls he befriended. They were there only for a reason, the one Aaron couldn't give them. There was too much pressure.

The fact that he had never fallen in love didn't help either. He remembered that time, high out of his mind, playing truth or dare with his friends, his current girlfriend and two of his exes in the same room. The bottle had landed on him, he chose truth, just to be sure. He could feel the effect of the drugs buzzing under his skin.

"Aaron. Have you ever been in love?"

He remembered shaking his head. "No."

He remembered drinking.

He remembered the gasps from across the room and felt the sting of the slap just a moment after.

He didn't even bothered following her. He was too high. Tomorrow he would blame it on the drugs. Or on nothing, it wasn't like he cared.

That's why him, a stupid virgin, had the reputation of a player. That's why, when Andrew heard the rumours, decided to make a deal. That's why every girl he ever had a relationship with told everyone he was a really good lover.

Rumours fueled by rumours fueled by jealousy.

Aaron didn't care anymore.

When they were ready to go back to Palmetto, Aaron tossed his phone at Nicky in the backseat while waiting for Andrew and Kevin.

"You put me in this trouble, you take me out of it. Text her."

"What the fuck should I text her? I'm gay!" Nicky whined.

"What the fuck should I know? You're the one in a relationship. Let her down easy."

"Wait, let me get this straight: you want me to text her to tell her that you're not interested?"

"Yeah, but you have to pretend to be me."

"But why?" He shoved the phone at Aaron.

"Just never reply. You'll never see her again."

"Yeah," he shoved the phone back. "And I would have never heard of her once, if you had minded your own business!" He sighed. "I mean, she was cute and kind and she deserves an explanation. I don't want to look like an asshole. Just tell her that I'm busy with med school and that long distance doesn't work."

"Tell her yourself." Nicky threw him his phone and buckled up.

Right at that moment Kevin and Andrew got inside the car.

Aaron glared at Nicky and powered up his phone. He didn't know what to do.

Nicky shrugged.

He decided to send a Good Morning text and lie about how he was running on low battery. He felt physically sick when he wrote her they'll catch up later.

He switched off his phone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this chapter, especially the last bit and the dialogue with Katelyn.   
> Let me know what you think! 💛

Monday was lab day and Aaron still hated Nicky.

He had been nervous and twitchy all weekend, to the point that even Andrew asked him if something was up.

The girl kept texting him and he replied only when she asked a direct question, which was often. Luckily he had found out that she rarely went to Eden.

His phone kept buzzing and he couldn't switch it off because of Wymack's policy of being always available.

He sent off a text telling her that he was heading to class and hoped she wouldn't reply. He listened to music while he walked. He was just glad that the others were never awake early on monday morning.

When he arrived to class, Katelyn was already there: front row near the wall. She was already wearing a lab coat and Aaron grabbed one before sitting down, he hated that he had to roll up the sleeves. He was already on edge. 

"Hi, Aaron."

He nodded. His phone buzzed. He sighed and took out his earphones.

"What are you listening to?"

"Don't laugh?"

"Why would I? Is it, like, country?"

"No." He lifted his phone. "It's Avril Lavigne. I wasn't in the mood for blink-182."

"Oh, no. She's cool."

"Thank, God."

They started working.

The third time his phone buzzed in his pocket Katelyn lifted her eyebrow. The fourth she asked if he didn't want to read it. The fifth she seemed concerned and asked if it wasn't something urgent. The sixth, Aaron cracked.

"It's nothing, really. Just some girl I met Friday night."

Katelyn smiled. "Well, don't make her wait."

"It's not like that." Aaron was really concentrating on not burning his experiment up. "I don't really like her."

"Oh, did you fight? That's why she keeps texting?"

He gave up on the flame. "No, no. I just- I didn't want to... Oh, God." She was looking at him strange.

"What? Did you, like, left her pregnant?"

"No! Hell, no! What the fuck?" He tried to bring his voice to a normal level. "I don't, we didn't, like, have sex. I don't-"

"Hey, ok, calm down, then everything is still salvageable. What's the problem?"

"I don't like her." He pondered. "No, that's not true. I liked her, but not for a relationship? Does it make sense? I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I'm busy and she didn't seem worth it."

Katelyn huffed. "Ok, you sound a bit like an asshole."

Aaron tugged at his hair. "I know, fuck, I know. That's the problem. I don't know how to let her down easy, so I kept texting her."

"Wow."

If looks could kill...

"You don't like her, so you keep leading her on? Wow, really, good strategy, champion. Why did you even asked for her number then?"

"I didn't! My cousin did!"

"Oh, God. That's pathetic." She reignited the flame and put on her glasses.

"You're mean."

"And you're what? Five?"

"Just help me, please. I don't know how to handle it, I don't know what to text her. After all I helped you find an elective class."

She huffed. "As if it's the same thing."

"I'll help you with a boy?"

"I don't need your help." She grabbed his phone. "And I don't need a boy. I'm doing it for her, so that your sorry ass doesn't leave her hanging or too sad."

Aaron wasn't sure he should thank her after all the veiled insults (and not so veiled) she had directed him. He just nodded and went back to the experiment.

"God, these are awful. Did you even put some effort in it?" Aaron hated her and the hint of amusement in her voice.

"So, here's your phone. She seemed pretty chill, cool girl, was just hoping for a hook up."

"She was hoping wrong, then."

"Katelyn looked at him strangely. "Didn't you two hook up?"

"We just kissed, shut up." He took his phone. "Weren't you supposed to be all panicky? Don't you get anxious when you flirt with people?"

She held up her index finger. "A) Rude. B) I took something to calm me down this morning. C) I'm always chill when flirting because I don't care about that shit. D) I wasn't flirting with her, I was letting her down easy. E)" she raised her last finger and then turned her hand to show him the middle one, raised. "You should thank me."

"Yeah, thank you. I'll help you back when you need it." He touched the back of his neck. Hell he was blushing.

"Not with flirting, though." Katelyn said. "Maybe next time I have troubles going to Dobson."

"Um, well, okay I guess. I hate it, but okay."

"You hate a lot of things."

"I do."

"Love the honesty. I have to go to class now." She slipped past him to walk to the door.

He frowned. "Hey!" She turned back. "You do look more relaxed, what did you take today?"

"That's a secret, my dear." She waved at him and disappeared in the hallway.

He decided to check the text messages.

When he arrived to practice he felt kind of happy: he didn't have to text anyone anymore, he had done really good in one of his classes and the results for a test that he thought he had aced would appear in two hours. 

Naturally Nicky noticed.

"Um, Aaron. Wie geht's?"

"Gut."

"Und... mit dem Mädchen aus Eden?"

Aaron grinned. "Ich habe alles gelöst."

Nicky looked a bit concerned but said nothing. Better that way.

Nobody else bothered him and he worked well. Kevin didn't even yelled at him from the sidelines. After the shower he actually felt really good, better than he had been in a few months. He felt lighter and brighter, he wasn't even sleepy. He decided to stay up a bit late with Nicky and play videogames while Andrew and Kevin where at night practice.

It was one of those nights when the ache in his muscles actually made him feel good instead of fatigued, when the sting of his burning eyes was nothing compared to the adrenaline of the game. It was one of those nights when he felt alive. And how pathetic was that?

There were people out there who jumped down bridges to feel the thrill of life coursing through their veins and Aaron? Aaron was there, sitting on the ground of a shitty dorm in Palmetto, the night breeze coming in through the window and moving the curtain to show a glimpse of the polluted night sky. His cousin beside him, cursing at the screen. Faint white noises coming from the world, filling his everyday life. And Aaron felt alive from this, from the quiet. He felt alive at the immensity stretching before him, at the millions of possibilities, the potential.

The world was quiet and he was the only one who could make some noise.

He grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Um, Aaron. Wie geht's?"  
> "Gut."  
> "Und... mit dem Mädchen aus Eden?"  
> Aaron grinned. "Ich habe alles gelöst."
> 
> "Um, Aaron. How are you?"  
> "Fine"  
> "And... with the girl from Eden?"  
> Aaron grinned. "I have solved everything."
> 
> So, yeah, my german is a bit rusty. I'm sorry if there are some errors and if you notice them, please, let me know so that I can correct them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Thanks to everyone who commented or left kudos, you really motivate me to keep writing this story. Thank you so much 💛💛💛  
> In this chapter we see more of Aaron and Katelyn's relationship.  
> I listened to That green gentleman by Panic at the disco while writing, if you want to get in the mood (especially for the last part).  
> Hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think!  
> 💛

It was the little things, so Aaron bought himself a coffee with caramel on his way to debate class. He thought about it and turned around, he bought another one for Katelyn. If she didn't want it, he would have double the caramel. Really, it was a win-win situation.

He was grateful for her help, although reluctant. She had saved him so much stress.

Apparently she was the one stressed out today.

When Aaron walked through the door he immediately saw Katelyn: last row of chairs, near the window, sleeves rolled up to her elbows and red splotches all over her forearms. She was wearing her hoodie and didn't look up when he sat down. 

Her leg was bouncing up and down under the table.

"Hey." He slid the coffee near her hand.

"I might need that favor."

"What?"

"I have an appointment with Doctor Dobson after this lesson. I just need you to walk me there, just stay till I go in. Nothing more. I know you don't have classes after."

"How do you-" She looked so tense. "Ok. No problem." Her leg kept bouncing up and down. "Do you need something else?"

He couldn't see her eyes, but he would bet she was glaring at him. "I don't need anything."

"Except being walked to the shrink's office."

"Except texting a fucking girl." She bit back, so much venom in just five words. 

Aaron grabbed her coffe back and drank it.

"Whatever, not like I can drink caffeine anyway."

Sadly, it didn't taste like a victory.

When debate class ended they walked together to Dobson's office. Aaron was surprised by Katelyn's ability to hold a conversation, last time she had to write almost everything down, while this morning she had argued with him about the day's topic. 

She wasn't exactly chatty, but she hadn't difficulties getting her words out. It looked like she had a bubble around herself and, as long as Aaron didn't disturbe it, she felt secure enough. He could still see the red splotches on her forearms and the casual hitch in her breath, but it wouldn't have been noticed from a distance. The professor sure as hell didn't. 

"So, what do you usually drink if you can't drink coffee?"

"Tea. Lemon tea. Hot in winter and cold in summer."  
"Ok, next time I'll bring you some tea."

She scoffed. "If you promise to not drink it."

He retorted. "If you promise to not make me mad."

"It's pretty easy to make you mad."

"Well, it's also pretty easy to leave me alone." He kicked a pair of leaves rotting on the ground. "And it's not like you don't get angry easily."

She stayed silent for a bit. "Well, I'm trying to work on it." She pointed at the building where Doctor Dobson's office was. "And, anyways, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Aaron looked at her. He thought this was the first apology directed at him in his whole life. "Yeah, I'm sorry too."

She stopped and looked at him. "Friends as before?" She held up her hand. 

Aaron shook. "Friends as before."

She held his hand for a bit more. "Thanks, Aaron."  
He tugged a bit and started walking in the direction of Dobson's office. "It's nothing." 

She dropped his hand and followed him. 

Aaron actually stayed till Katelyn's appointment was over. He waited for her in the waiting room and started reading his chemistry book. 

Half an hour later, when Katelyn exited the office, he closed his book and was met with a disbelieving expression. It was clear that Katelyn wasn't expecting him to stay, but she didn't look disappointed or angry, just surprised.

She seemed a bit tired but smiled nonetheless, the usual smile that you wouldn't know it was there if you weren't already looking for it. Aaron was kind of hoping for it. 

"Hi, Aaron. I didn't think you'd wait."

"Well, I didn't have anything to do and I figured we could go to lunch together. If you want to."

"Yeah, no, it's good for me. I was heading to the cafeteria anyway." She looked back at Dobson's office. "I actually wouldn't mind a bit of company."

"Ok, then. Let's go."

The walk to the cafeteria was pretty pleasant. Katelyn looked a lot more relaxed and Aaron was just a bit more inclined to share his thoughts with someone. Katelyn had already trusted him with a lot and they both seemed pretty private people, so Aaron figured that it wouldn't hurt to reveal a bit more of himself. He felt safe and a bit giddy: so much time had passed since he had felt like he could share a bit of himself with someone, since he felt like he wanted to.

It was like a wall was crumbling down, barely containing the buzz of his mind. It was a bit scary, in the way that new things are, but Aaron had the gut feeling that it was the right thing to do. Not like in a "you should" way, but in a "you can, seize it" way. It felt like something for himself and maybe he wanted to be a bit egoistical. 

So he let his mind wander and was surprised of himself when he realised how many beautiful and interesting thoughts his mind contained. It was not only fear and rage and trauma, but stories from high school, his favourite book, what videogames he liked to play with Nicky. It was practice and science, it was school and his ambition to become a doctor. It was so much more than he actually made himself out to be and it felt good. 

Maybe it was Katelyn, a near-stranger, someone that didn't know what qualified him to be playing with the foxes, someone who didn't immediately associate him with his twin. Maybe it was the novelty of having a friend. Or maybe it was the fact that, between the two, right now, he didn't feel like he was the fucked up one. And neither did Katelyn. 

They were just two friends, walking down the street to get to the cafeteria, planning on sharing small nothings over lunch and trying to figure out their schedule to see when they could actually meet up again. It was exactly what everyone else on campus was doing, Aaron realized. And maybe, just maybe, it was exactly why this felt so impossibly right. 

It was peak normal, peak boring. It was daily routine and wasting time.

It was quiet and simply life. And maybe Aaron never had it, but, now that he had tasted it, he swore he would hold on to it with his whole being. And the most shocking thing was that it had been easy, it was easy, like nothing in his life had ever been. He knew that maybe he shouldn't trust it, but, right now, he wanted to believe. 

Aaron was giddy. 

He let himself believe.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 💛  
> Thanks so much to everyone who keeps commenting and leaving kudos on this fic, you really help me keep going.   
> I really like how this chapter came out, I think after reading this you'll have a stronger idea of what Aaron and Katelyn look like in my mind. Hope you'll get to love them as much as I do! 🤞🏻  
> Thanks for reading and please, stay safe and at home, if you can!

"So, you don't like vegetables." Katelyn glanced at his plate from where they were sitting down, near the windows of the cafeteria.

"No."

"And what do you like?"

"Like? Everything else, except for fruit?"

"Favourite food?" She was munching on french fries.

"Pizza." He looked up at her. "What's this? 21 questions."

"I mean, sure. If you wanted it to be." She shrugged. "I figured that, as we are friends now, we'll want to get to know each other a bit better. Think about it as 21 questions if it works for you." She pointed at him with a french fry. "Just less embarrassing and you can refuse to answer if you don't feel like it. I mean, I know I will, because you're a little shit and aim all your questions right where it hurts, so..."

"I'm not. I don't."

She just raised an eyebrow. 

He took a bite of his lasagna. "You know, I get whiplash everytime you turn up your confidence and start to actually speak your mind."

"I always speak my mind."

"Well, I have to say that reading it it's a little less harsh than hearing it."

"Am I crossing a line?" She actually seemed concerned.

"No." He stayed quiet for a bit. "Am I?"

"No. I'll tell you if you do. Or you'll get it. I mean you saw me this morning." She covered her hands with the sleeves of her sweater. "I really am sorry."

"It's fine. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed."

"Ok."

Aaron went back to his lasagna. "So, 21 questions. Favourite color?"

"Really?" She rolled her eyes. 

"Yes." 

"Blue. Yours?"

"Yellow."

"Like the neon one or normal one?"

"Both. And that counts as a question."

So Aaron had discovered that blue was Katelyn's favourite color, that she had grown up in a farm and that she gave up competitive gymnastics because it messed up with her anxiety. He felt like there was more to it, but he didn't press her, after all he hadn't told her how his mother died, just that she had died.

Like everything with Katelyn, it felt easy, unstoppable. Like once he had opened his mouth he'd never want to shut it.   
That was new to Aaron. It was probably the first time since elementary school. He felt a bit naive for that, like he shouldn't trust his gut. But he wasn't trusting his gut. He was a man of science and he had facts. He had gathered information, analysed it and come to a conclusion:

1) Katelyn was a good person. Well, maybe not good, she was a bit rude at times, but nothing Aaron couldn't handle. Plus she had been sweet and helpful on a few occasions.

So, yeah, maybe not good (he still didn't have all the data), but still trustworthy.

2) She had given him something before asking him things in return.

3) She had laid her intentions down so that he didn't have to stress out over it, wondering how to behave or how to treat her.

4) She was a pretty secretive and closed off person. He didn't have to worry about yet other rumors about him spreading all throughout campus.

5) She shared his classes and came to his games with the cheering team and that made it pretty easy to keep in touch and catch up. So, yeah, that was pretty much convenience.

And also, above all, but Aaron wouldn't add it officially to the list, she was pretty cool and so, so easy to be around. So easy that her straight up rude questions and anxiety attacks did nothing to deter him from talking to her. Or hearing her talk to him.

So, yeah, that was definitive: he had made a friend, a friend that he liked, and he would keep it. No matter what.

He told her. He had to be sure.

"So, what, like, we're friends now, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Till when?"

"What do you mean till when?" He hated that look on her face. He wasn't stupid, he just wanted to be sure. "It's not like this has an expiration date. We're friends that's it, the family you choose and all that crap: you don't turn your back and you make it work."

"So, like, it's an obligation. Like a deal?" He flinched.

"No, not an obligation. Just knowing that you have someone in your corner no matter what. Exactly because it's not a deal, that's why it's special. It's on purpose, not forced."

He liked how that sounded. "Cool." He thought about Nicky, how that definition was a bit like what they had. "I'm in, then."

"Let's shake." She smiled.

They shook.

Katelyn looked at him. "Don't ever feel pressured, okay? Don't ever feel forced. If it's too much, tell me. If it's not enough, walk away, Aaron." She was looking him in the eyes right now, like she rarely did. "You can walk away. Whenever you want. The only thing you have to promise is to not break my trust. We might fall out, but I don't want an enemy. I don't want to have to worry about what you'll say about me. I want to be able to trust you, even if you're not near me and I want you to be able to do that too. Whatever is said here stays here. Your secrets are safe with me, your fears are safe with me and your dreams are safe with me too. I hope you'll do the same."

Aaron was sold on the last two sentences.

He didn't have to worry about sharing his fears and selling away his weaknesses, but he also didn't have to worry about living up to expectations and disappoint someone else other than himself. And that was that, what Andrew hadn't understood: trust was not only in fear and in need, trust was also for the beautiful things you're afraid you'd never achieve. The ones you're afraid to talk out loud for fear of spoiling them. The dreams you're afraid people will repeat so many times and with so much conviction that they'll polish all their magic off of them.

Sometimes dreams were more burdensome than secrets, Aaron knew that, and trust was made to share the burden. What Andrew didn't get was that sometimes that burden was unbridled joy and restless hope for a better future, simmering right under the surface, and difficult to hide.

Katelyn, apparently, got it.

"I promise. I'll do the same too. You're safe with me." He looked her in the eyes. "It's safe."


	10. Chapter 10

"What the fuck, Andrew?" He was yelling. "You have to back me up! You have to back me up. No matter what, no questions asked." 

He was pacing the floor of the changing room, shirtless and wearing only one of his shoes to match his half discarded armour. The team had left them alone at the first glimpse of Aaron's rage. They knew Andrew would retaliate.

Andrew was not retaliating. 

He was sitting on the bench in front of his locker, still fully dressed and holding his goalie racket. He had known that Aaron would snap and Aaron hated him even more for that.

"You have to back me up!"

"Why?" And he looked so high that Aaron wanted to punch him. It wasn't the first time that he had wished for his brother back: once it was distance, now it was drugs.   
He hated how that mirrored Andrew's situation. How he too had to fight to get back his brother: once from his own mother and twice from the drugs. 

Aaron hated the similarities and at the same time he craved them.

"Why?!" His hands flew to his hair. "Because I'm your family, I'm your brother. You back me up no matter what and if you have questions you wait to ask them. You do it in private and don't make me look like a fool in front of the team."

"No valuable reasons there, brother." He was smiling. Aaron, at the moment, wanted to look at him cry. 

"We have a deal, Andrew." Aaron stopped to fully look at him.

Andrew stood up. "So do Kevin and I."

"We are family, Andrew."

"I know that."

"Doesn't it change anything?"

"Not in this situation, no."

Aaron hated him. "I would hit you right now, if I could get away with it."

"I know that feeling."

"You could get away. You know you would."

"I promised myself I'll never hurt you."

"You're hurting me."

"Physically." Andrew lifted his jersey over his head. "Now stop being a crybaby and leave me alone."

Aaron walked all the way back to the dorm, Nicky following him. He wouldn't share a car with Andrew and that asshole.

Nicky waited for Kevin and Andrew to be gone for night practice before asking him. "So, what really happened today in the locker room? Are you hurt?"

"He wouldn't hurt me. Physically." The last word a mix of mockery and venom. He hated his brother at times, or the shell that was left of him. "I hate his smile. Sometimes I'd prefer to look at him crying."

"Aaron..."

Nicky was always so placating.

"What, Nicky? Wouldn't you too?"

"I wouldn't, Aaron. He sacrificed a lot and he did it for me." 

"Like you haven't done the same thing for him. For us." Aaron looked at his cousin then. "You sacrificed everything for us, you didn't have to, but you're here. And him? He almost..." He stopped. "He almost killed four people, Nicky. Four people. Sometimes I think it wasn't for you at all, sometimes I think it's just who he is."

"Oh, Aaron." Nicky hugged him. "You know it's not true. Do you remember him before the drugs? While we worked at Eden's?" 

Nicky was stroking his back, Aaron couldn't remember the last time he had been touched like this. Just for comfort and nothing more. 

Nicky kept going. "I remember him. Sure, he was quiet and his ways aren't always the safest, but he worked and talked and maybe he didn't joke a lot, but he could still hold a conversation. Sometimes when he's off the drugs, before a night out, he's still like that, when we chat about movies and singers and books. I remember him, Aaron." He was looking him in the eyes now. "And I'm sure one day we'll get him back."

Aaron averted his gaze. "Maybe you'll get him back. I've never had him. He never wanted me."

"That's not true."

"Maybe it is."

They sat in silence for a long time. Finally Nicky stood up and choose a videogame.

"How are your classes going?"

"It's early to say, but well. I'm on top of my work and on schedule with my essays. Yours?"

"Oh, god. Let's not talk about it. We all know that, no matter how well I start, I'll end up cramming before finals."

"I could help you figure out your schedule."

"We all know I wouldn't follow it."

"Nicky..."

"What's wrong?! I mean I'm busy. There's exy and Eric and Eden's. And now I have this group of friends from my media class. I don't have a lot of free time."

Aaron nodded. "That's true."

"Don't make fun of me!"

"I'm not making fun!"

"What about you? Have you made some friends?"

"Well-"

"-beside your study group before finals." Nicky rushed in to interrupt him.

"They're not friends, they're just a study group. And yes, I've made a friend."

Nicky wiggled his eyebrows and paused the game. "Yeah? What's his name? Do I know him?"

"She's Katelyn. She shares two classes with me."

Nicky was beaming. "You sure she's just a friend?"

"Yes. Nicky." He unpaused the game. "She's the one who helped me deal with that girl from Eden's."

Nicky winced, but went on. "And do I know her?"

"She's one of the Vixens."

"Ohh. So she's cute."

"No, she's pretty rude."

"Like Allison's rude?"

"No, more like..." Aaron stared at him. "More like we're rude. More like you're rude."

"Oh." Nicky thought about it for a moment. "Well, at least she's pretty, isn't she? Is she blond? I love blonds."

"We know you love blonds, Nicky. She's not. She's pretty average."

"Wow, nice compliments for your friends!"

"What the fuck should I say, Nicky?! It's not like I looked at her."

"Oh, come on. She's in the vixens, you should have noticed her at games. The skirts, the legs... boobs?"

"I don't know, Nicky. I don't know. Just drop it. She's my friend and I don't think about her that way."

"Well, there must have been something that, um, suggested you that you should be her friend. Isn't it?"

"She was sitting where I wanted to sit. That's it. Drop it and play the fucking game."

"Oook."

They played.

"She's the first friend that I have here, please, let her be that."

Nicky's eyes were sad when he replied. "Ok, Aaron. She's your friend. I'd like to meet her one day."

"Ok."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> This one is more of a filler chapter, but I really enjoyed writing the next ones, so I hope I'll make it up to you. Plus, we get to see a bit of Katelyn's and Aaron's past in this. I hope you enjoy it.  
> I want to thank everyone who keeps commenting on this fic, it really makes me happy reading your thoughts on every few chapters and how you find the development of the story.  
> Thank you! <3

“And so that's why I ended up quitting gymnastics.”

  
“Because of anxiety?”

  
“Because of how I dealt with anxiety.”

  
They were sprawled out on the grass behind Doctor Dobson's office. Debate class had been cancelled at the last minute because the professor didn't feel well. Aaron was surprised by how little he cared.

  
He was working on his assignment, while Katelyn was stretching her legs in the grass. The stretching was what started the conversation about her past as a nearly Olympic athlete; the anxiety was what kept her talking.

  
Aaron had met her in class and immediately noticed that she was fidgety, he had offered to walk her to Dobson's office. He knew she would never ask on her own, now that their “debt” had been repayed.

  
“I had never actually thanked you for how you dealt with texting that girl for me.”

  
“It was nothing.” She raised on her feet and started stretching her back. Now he could see that her movements were effortless and calculated. She would have been a good gymnast. “Besides, you walked me to my appointment that day, so we're even.”

  
“Yeah, well, but I really appreciated that. I just wanted to let you know.”

  
She looked pointedly at him. “Aaron, if you're just preparing the ground to ask for another favour like that, I already told you that I didn't like it in the first place.”

  
“No, no, no! That won't happen again.” He thought about Nicky. “Or so I hope.”

  
“Your cousin?”

  
“Yeah, he's not the kind of person who gives up easily.”

  
She huffed. “Oh, how strange! It must run in the family!”

  
“I'm not like him!”

  
She smiled. “Maybe you are.”

  
Aaron scoffed and crossed his arms.

  
“Oh, come on, Aaron. That was a compliment. Just take the compliment.”

  
“It wasn't, you don't know Nicky.”

  
She crouched in front of him. “I know that he's your friend. Besides, I didn't say that you were like your cousin, but that you don't give up easily.”

  
Aaron looked at her. “How could you know?”

  
She smiled, that small smile that no one ever gets to see. “I see you, Aaron Minyard. Every day.”

  
“Flores! Katelyn Flores!”

  
“Oh, that's me!”  
  


  
They stood up and walked to the front of the building.

  
“Well, see you, Aaron. Thanks for walking me.”

  
“I want to wait, if it's okay with you. We can eat together after.”

  
“Oh, okay then.”

  
He sat down on the couch where they first met that day and thought about how much easier it was to stay there when he wasn't dreading his appointment. He was a free man.

  
Katelyn left her backpack on the floor, unzipped and spilling all its contents for the world to see. Aaron put everything back in and brushed away the dirt that had settled on the bottom. He laid it there, beside his perfectly anonymous and pristine bag and wondered how he had always managed to make his chaos look calm on the surface.

  
He thought about his mother and their white picked fence house. He thought about the Sundays they had spent in church: him, smiling through the pain, and her, track marks already on her pale arms.

  
He thought about how he had always passed his classes, even doing the bare minimum. He remembered when the bare minimum stopped being enough and how easy it had been to blame it on the wrong crowd, on failed friendship.

  
He thought about how nobody had ever realized he was the wrong crowd. Not Aaron, the too small, too blond kid. Nobody would ever believe that.

  
And then came Andrew, kicking and screaming. Reluctantly entering his life, but never letting go, with the stance of the people who were all too used to take what life threw their way and make it work, make it bearable. Andrew had seen beneath every layer, every bullshit, that Aaron had built. He had lifted every single one of them and left Aaron bare, scrubbed clean and bleeding.

  
Aaron had never managed to do the same with Andrew, but that just confirmed how fucked up they both were. Sometimes he thanked the heavens about the fact that he couldn't read his brother, too afraid of what he might find. Too scared of what it may imply that he'd be able to understand him in the first place.  
  


  
Katelyn exited Dobson's office looking pale and splotchy red at the same time. Her sleeves completely covered her arms and she didn't wait to pull her hood up too.  
Aaron took both of their backpacks and just followed her to the exit.  
She wasn't talking.

  
“I figure lunch is off the table.” It was more like a question, but he still cursed himself for sounding like an asshole.

  
She sighed.

  
“I know, I sounded like an asshole and I'm sorry.” He lifted her backpack from his shoulder. “I'll leave you alone.”

  
“No, it's fine. We can still eat together, but I just need to change into something comfy and maybe take a nap. We can go to my dorm, if you're up for it, no one's there.”

  
“Oh, okay.”

  
“Now, give me my backpack and don't ask questions.” He handed her her bag. “You can talk, just don't make me reply.”

  
“Okay.” They started walking. “What should I talk about?”

  
She looked at him. She just looked at him, and he felt like the biggest idiot on the earth.

  
“Riiiight.” He grimaced. “Let's go get lunch.”  
  


  
Katelyn's room was quiet and quite a bit messy. Her desk was covered in books and highlighters and her chair was so submerged by clothes that she had to throw some of them on the ground to get to her pair of favourite sweatpants.

  
She went to the bathroom to change and Aaron started to set the table. The dorm's layout was identical to the ones in Fox Tower: a big room with two bunk beds, a small living room and an even smaller kitchen.

  
He found the plates and the glasses, everything was mismatched and in every colour of the rainbow. He felt a bit better about the state of their appliances and grudgingly thanked Kevin for being a tidy freak.

  
The fridge was filled with every kind of junk food and fizzy drinks. He shook his head. “Katelyn!” He yelled to the bathroom door. “Do you like pasta?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
“With...” He rifled through the cabinets beside the fridge. “..cherry tomatoes?”

  
“Fine!”

  
“Okay! Give me twenty minutes and we're ready.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> How are you doing? I hope everyone is safe and healthy!  
> I really liked writing this chapter and I'm excited about sharing the next ones too. Tell me what you think!  
> Thanks again to everyone who keeps commenting, seeing that someone else is engaged in this story really motivates me.  
> Stay safe! <3
> 
> (Also, Nicky has just one line in this chapter, but I love him. He's the true hero here.)

Twenty minutes later Aaron found Katelyn asleep on the couch.

He panicked.

"Katelyn!" He whispered. He didn't want to touch her, not after the difficult therapy session she obviously went through, but he wanted her to eat something. Routine was always a great way to move and not linger too much on the bad feelings that therapy brought up. Even Andrew had to resort to that.

"Katelyn." He tried to raise his voice. "Hey!"

Like, twenty minute were enough for a power nap, he wouldn't even disrupt her sleep cycle. 

He went into the kitchen and brought the dishes with him. When he reached the small table in front of the couch, he settled them in the middle, trying to make as much noise as he could without breaking them. 

Katelyn startled out of her sleep.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Aaron tried to smile at her, but he thought he had accomplished to grimace, at most.

"It's easier to sleep on a full stomach."

"Yeah, but it's easier to digest if you don't lay down."

"Then sleep sitting up."

She huffed. 

"Come on, I'll go get some glasses and forks if you want to eat here."

"Yeah, okay. Thank you."

"So, how did your appointment with Dobson go?"

She looked at him, spaghetti still dangling from her fork. "What did I tell you before?"

"No questions?"

"Exactly. So, if you find it too uncomfortable to eat in silence, you'll have to provide your own topic." She lifted her shoulders. "I'm sorry."

"Okay... So." He relapsed into silence. 

It was so unnerving. The noise of the cutlery made him feel sick. He just had to talk.  
He started to drum his fingers on the plate, then he tried to eat and to drink some water, but nothing. Nothing came to mind. 

Katelyn stopped his fingers. "What happened yesterday? Or this week?"

He looked at her, then he flexed his fingers. "I fought with my brother."

She hummed. Nothing more. No eye contact, no encouraging questions, no judgement.  
He went on. "I fought with my brother because he agreed with the people I disagreed with. Don't get me wrong, that would have been fine, I mean, I'm always glad to know that Andrew has opinions, but he did it just to spite me. It was like he wanted me to make a fool of myself and I didn't like it."

"That's just how siblings work, isn't it?"

Aaron snorted. "I wouldn't know. We didn't meet till we were teens."

Katelyn raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask any other question. So Aaron provided his own answers.

"He was in the system and then went to juvie, we met by coincidence, when a cop who knew him mistook me for Andrew. I tried to reach out, but he pushed me away, I've always wanted someone in my corner." He sighed. "Eventually he came around and came to live with me and my mum. When she died, Nicky, my cousin, took us in. We're all here because Andrew was offered a scholarship."

"You don't sound like you like being here."

"I like being here, I just don't like the reason why I am."

"Your brother?"

"One of them."

She nodded and let it fall. "I'm here because I was really good at gymnastics, but really bad at handling pressure." She chuckled. "I still am, but that should give you the idea of how much worse it was back then. The vixens work like the foxes, more or less: it's not all sunshine and rainbow. Sure, some of us are here just for the fun, but who needs a scholarship sometimes has, um... priority." Katelyn sighed. "That's what pushed me to try an acrobatic sport again. I needed the scholarship."

Aaron nodded. "I'm a backliner."

"I know. I come to every single one of your games." She chuckled. "You're just a little dot in a field full of tall people, it's funny."

"Hey! Rude." But he was smiling. 

"Did you like your pasta?"

"Yeah, you're a really good cook." She passed him the plate. "Thank you, Aaron."

He went into the kitchen and washed the dishes. He even started humming a song under his breath and surprised himself when he realized it. It was a pleasant surprise, he felt lighter.

When he came back in the living room, Katelyn was drifting back to sleep on the couch. He smiled.  
He took her backpack in her room and put all her clothes back on the chair. He took a blanket with him. 

Katelyn was still laying on the sofa, eyes sleepy and distant. Aaron crouched in front of her and passed her the blanket. 

"I left your backpack in front of your bed, now I have to go to practice. I'll see you around, okay?"

She nodded and spread the blanket over her legs. It was a Palmetto one, but thankfully it wasn't orange. 

"Bye, Katelyn." He opened the door. 

"Thank you, Aaron."

He smiled all the way to the court.

"Good job, Minyard." He felt an heavy slap on his shoulder. "You're working well these days."

"Thank you, coach." He tried to brush the hand off of his shoulder, but he didn't mind the compliment.

"Okay, everyone!" Wymack clapped his hands. "Gather around!"

All the foxes made a circle around their coach, one of the few times they were actually organized and well behaved. 

"So, as everyone knows the Spring Banquet is coming up and I want you to behave-" 

Seth snorted. 

"Behave, kids! We all know how the last banquet went down." He looked at Kevin and then at Andrew. "We're not the favourite and we're not the best, but we know better than everyone how to fight. Keep that fight on the court. Understood?"

"The banquet is on a court, coach."

"For fuck's sake, Hemmick!" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can't I just have a 'yes, coach' like every other normal team does?"

"Yes, coach." And it was the single most pathetic thing ever heard by human ears: scattered voices and heartfelt annoyance.

"Good." He waived a hand through his hair. "Now, as everyone knows, in Spring our season will either stop or soar, based on if we qualify or not. In both cases you'll have to meet Abby for a necessary check up. Understood?"

"Yes, coach."

"I'm telling you this in advance, because there will be a blood test, okay?"

"Yes, coach."

Andrew started walking away, trailing his racket behind him. 

"Okay, I guess we're done. See you tomorrow." The foxes scattered. "And Renee, please, keep him in check."

She smiled. "Yes, coach." And Aaron swore that the difference in her voice in comparison to the choir of other foxes could carry Wymack through a whole season.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another thing. I'm just having trouble formatting the text of the fic, with all these spaces and extra lines. Is it readable? Would it be better if it looked more like a block of text? If someone has an opinion about it, let me know. It's bothering me quite a bit and I can't figure out why.   
> Thanks again for readin. <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I had so much fun writing this chapter and Andrew and Aaron's dynamic, so I hope you like it too.  
> Also, there are a lot of swear words in this chapter, just wanted to warn you.  
> Hope you like it!

Aaron walked into the room with a hair clipper in hand. Andrew was sprawled over one of the bean bags, ice cream box in his lap and Kevin asleep at his side.

  
"Andrew, I need to shave my sides, Nicky's already in the bathroom. Are you coming?"

  
He closed the ice cream box and placed it on top of Kevin's chest, who shivered, but didn't stir. "I want a buzz cut."

  
"Why do you want a buzz cut?"

  
"Renee keeps gripping my hair while we spar."

  
"Tell her to stop?"

  
"We don't fight fair."

  
Aaron sighed. "Okay, but I'll keep it longer on the top and you can't make me change my mind."

  
Andrew shrugged.  
  
  


  
"Ok, boys, who's the first?"

  
"Andrew. He wants a buzz cut."

  
Nicky spluttered. "Why?"

  
"Renee." A single word.

  
"Oh, well, if you're doing this for your date then." He gestured for Andrew to sit down.

  
"Don't touch my back, just my shoulders."

  
"Okay, mister." Nicky was beaming. "What are you hiding on your back? I've never thought Renee was into scratching."

  
Aaron grimaced and looked at Andrew. His twin wasn't saying anything, so he resolved to silence too.

  
"Actually, I would have never thought that she was into the bad boy look either, but here we are."

  
Aaron couldn't take it anymore. "Nicky, please, shut up and concentrate on what you're doing."

  
"Okay, okay, geez. I can multitask, you know."

  
"Please, don't. Focus."  
  
  


  
"Ok, Aaron, your turn."

  
He stripped off his t-shirt, not wanting to get hair all over it, and sat on the chair.  
Nicky started shaving the sides of his head and was particularly careful when he got near Aaron's ears. He hated the feeling of the clipper buzzing on his skull. Everytime Nicky got too close he shivered.

  
"Ok, fine, now bow your head so I can finish the back of your head."

  
Aaron closed his eyes and let his head fall forward. He immediately regretted it. He felt the clipper on the top of his head and he didn't need to check to know that it was in Andrew's hands now. The grip at the base of his neck was too strong for it being Nicky.

  
Nicky let out a shrill noise.

  
Aaron sighed.

  
"I'm sorry, Aaron!" Nicky screamed. "He had a knife."

  
Aaron let his head bow farther and moved his hand in a go on gesture. "When doesn't he ever?"

  
He could imagine Andrew grinning in the mirror. He kept his eyes closed.

  
When Andrew resumed his work, Aaron started talking. "You know, Andrew, you always bitch about Kevin not having a spine, but then you piss all over my choices. Why are you so fucking set on not letting me have a free will?"

  
Nicky interjected. "Aaron, I don't think you should rile him up now." He sounded cheerful, but there was panic in his voice. "You know, with all the cutting things in his hands."

  
"Shut up, Nicky. He won't hurt me."

  
Nicky chuckled. "I see."

  
Andrew lit a cigarette.

  
"Yeah, thank you, now our bathroom will stink for weeks. And we still don't have a choice in it, do we?"

  
"You're my brother." The words came out mumbled and foggy from around Andrew's cigarette. The faint buzz of the clipper complimenting the chipper tone of his drugged brother.

  
Aaron shivered. "And so?"

  
"I know you have a spine, but I don't need it from you. I just need it from Kevin." Andrew tugged on the last tuft of hair and Aaron raised his head, meeting identical pupils in the mirror. "From you." Andrew exhaled a chuckle. "All I need is for you to follow. They won't bother you if they can't recognise us. Nobody will take a chance."

  
"You still have your armbands. And the drugs."

  
"So?" Andrew laughed and cut the last piece of Aaron's hair. He pinched Aaron's cheek. "Smile, brother! Nobody will notice the armbands under the suits."

  
"Renee?"

  
"You're boring." Andrew popped the remaining part of his cigarette in Aaron's mouth and left the bathroom.

  
Aaron took the last hit.  
  
  


  
The banquet was a shitshow. He kept scratching his head and took turns standing beside Kevin and Renee. The few times he managed to get away he went to find Nicky and his date.

  
It had been a long time since he had smoked a cigarette, but after that morning in the bathroom, after Andrew had propped one between his lips, he found himself craving one. Besides, he wasn't Aaron now, he was Andrew and this vice would stay with Andrew.

  
Seth offered him one at the exit. He didn't like Seth, but he really wanted to smoke.

  
"So, why are you here alone?" Seth grinned. "I heard a rumour that you met a girlfriend that's as crazy as your kind at the shrink's office."

  
Aaron took a drag. "Tell your girlfriend to keep her mouth shut." He shrugged. "I mean, if you're still dating today, otherwise I can wait till tomorrow for you to ask her."

  
"You're just jealous."

  
"Of what?"

  
"Of the fact that I get to fuck someone without waiting for my brother's approval."

  
Aaron snickered.

  
"What, isn't it? Don't you have to go behind your psycho twin's back just to see her. How does she feel about being a secret?" Seth was looking at him now. "Does it get her all wet? Does she feels dirty? Does your name feels dangerous when she moans-"

  
Aaron slammed his hand at the base of Seth's throat and watched him gasp for air.

  
He was still taller than him, even with his back to the wall and nearly doubled over in pain, but Aaron wasn't scared. He was buzzing with energy.

  
He took the cigarette out of his mouth and lifted the cherry just under Seth's eye. "First of all, she's not my girlfriend. Second of all, you're not allowed to talk about her that way or about her at all, for what matters." He tightened the hold on Seth's collar and let some of the ash fall on his suit. "Third, you won't bring up this topic with me or my brother ever again. God knows you idiots can't tell us apart and we don't want you to mix things up so that you'll risk a knife to your ribs, do we?"

  
He patted Seth's cheek and propped the cigarette in his mouth, mirroring his brother's action from the same morning.

  
Then he smiled, the most wicked smile he could muster. "Besides, who tells you that I'm the one not wearing the armbands? And that I didn't gut you because I needed that information?"

  
Aaron left him and went back to join the party. He spent the remainder of the night at Andrew's side, matching his smile and craving the drugs.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I wanted to say thank you to everyone who keeps reading and supporting this fic, really, you're all awesome. I hope everyone is safe and healthy during this difficult time. Stay home if you can!
> 
> In this chapter we'll get to see more of Aaron. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, I'm not big on writing angst or conflict, so I've been a bit insicure about posting it. I hope you'll like it.  
> Also, I love Aaron, even if he's a bit of an asshole at times. He's just a boy and he misses his mum and he deserves a break, but he'll get to grow despite all of this. 
> 
> Warning for mentions of drugs/addiction. 
> 
> Hope you'll like this chapter and the way I see Aaron.  
> Thanks again for reading! 💛💛💛

Monday was lab day, so Aaron woke up early and walked all the way to the campus' cafè. He craved sugar and he was gonna get it.

  
He was the first in class, strangely. He hated being the first because then he had to greet everyone that came in instead of doing it just once. He grabbed a lab coat and placed his coffee on the desk, beside the bottle of lemon tea he had bought for Katelyn. He kept his hood up and sipped his hot caramel coffee.

He hated being cold and his head was freezing after Andrew's buzz cut. He knew it wasn't true, that a few hair on the top of his head wouldn't keep him warm, but sometimes he just liked to whine.

  
"Aaron, hey." Katelyn greeted him with a half hug, because half hugs were a thing now.  


  
Aaron nodded.

  
"New haircut?"

  
"Yeah." Aaron said gloomily, starting to search for his books.

  
"You don't like it?"

  
"It wasn't my choice, my brother did it." He huffed. "He wanted us to look alike."

  
She smiled. "Well, that's sweet."

  
Aaron stopped putting his books on the desk. "No, it fucking isn't." He looked at her like she was going crazy. "He did it on purpose, not even asking if I wanted it, and he knew I would hate it, because now I look like the fucking junkie that I am!"

  
Katelyn's stare froze, her face a mask of cool, her voice as cutting as ice. "Don't say things like that."

  
"Like what?!" Where she was ice, he was fire. Rage simmering just below the surface, making his blood boil. "That I'm a junkie? I fucking am, Katelyn! And I wanted a fucking person in my life to not know, but here we are."

  
She was looking straight ahead of her.

  
Aaron desperately wanted her to make eye contact.

  
"You decided to say that, nobody forced you."

  
She was so calm on the surface. Aaron hated her for not screaming.

  
He levelled his voice. "Well, why delay it? I was going to ruin this friendship either way. This is a secret that's not mine anymore. Hasn't been for a long time." He shrugged.

  
"You're selfish." And she was still staring straight ahead and Aaron still hated her for that, but then she turned her face and Aaron would have given anything to not see that disappointment in her eyes. "I said I would stick with you, no matter what, no judgement. Fucking let it sink in that bald head of yours." She jabbed his temple with every word she said. "Now move, I'm not ready for this lesson."

  
"Where are you going?"

  
"Away. I'm expecting you to take notes and bring them to me on Wednesday."

  
"But-"

  
"No 'but', Aaron. I need to go, you let me go."

  
He moved.

  
She passed.

  
"I'm sorry."

  
"I want true words on Wednesday. They don't have to be excuses, if you can only give the shitty kind."

  
He nodded.

  
She turned her back.  
  
  


  
"Okay, Aaron, you're the next."

  
They weren't running for the championship anymore, so Abby was testing them. Aaron hated it, but he stood anyway, threw the empty bottle of lemon tea in the trash can and followed Abby to her office.

  
Aaron liked Abby. Or at least he enjoyed her company more than Dobson's. With Abby, he could always talk about school and ask her advice about his future career. At times, especially if it was around finals, Abby would offer her office to Aaron before big games, so that he'd have a silent place to study in and wouldn't waste his time travelling from the court, to the library and to his dorm. Plus, she would often check on him and made him take breaks with the snacks she had in her office.

  
Aaron liked Abby, it was just that at times she reminded him of his mother before things went downhill: she was precious and kind, but he would always wait for her to snap.  
  
  
He sat down on the couch and took off his t-shirt for Abby to check his heart.

  
"So, Aaron, how's the semester going?"

  
"Fine, thanks. I'm doing well in all my classes." He always tried to be polite with her.

"I'm glad. Now deep breaths, I'll listen to your lungs."

  
Aaron inhaled and exhaled a few breaths, hating the cold stethoscope on his chest everytime it moved.

  
"I'm so glad you don't smoke like your brother."

  
He grimaced thinking about the cigarette he had used to threaten Seth.

  
"You're the last one for today and I'm sick of listening to shortness of breath and coughs. Some of your friends had difficulties during the test on the treadmill!" She shook her head. "Unbelievable."

  
"Well, I can't guarantee you anything on that either. I hate running."

  
"I know, Aaron, but at least I hope you won't cough up your lungs." She patted him on the shoulder. "Now. Take off your shoes, socks and jeans. I need to weigh and measure you."

  
After that, he put on his tracksuit and started running on the treadmill, Abby checking his stats and trying to distract him with questions that had the only effect to make him gulp for air in an attempt to reply. He shut his mouth and concentrated.

  
"Now."

  
Aaron was cooling off, a bottle of blue powerade in hand and a towel draped around his neck.

  
"When you're ready you can come to my desk so that I can get some blood samples."

  
"Why?" He closed his bottle and wiped his forehead.

  
"You know why, Aaron."

  
"I don't do that shit anymore, Abby. You know that."

  
"I know that, that's why I didn't specifically check you for trackmarks."

  
Aaron scoffed. "Specifically."

  
Abby kept going. "This is routine, Aaron, you know that. We talked about it, every player has to do it. It's not just to look for drugs, it's for your health."

  
He moved his head, refusing to look at Abby. "I don't want a needle in my arm."

  
Abby was smiling, that pitiful smile she always had during blood tests. He couldn't see her, but he was sure. "Aaron, kid, you know I have to do it to finish the check up and you know it's helpful to keep track of your health. You're a doctor to be, Aaron, and a brilliant one at that, you know what blood tests could reveal to us."

  
He was still looking away from her.

  
"Come on, Aaron."

  
"What could blood reveal to you that I can't? I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink in the past 24 hours. Do you need more?"

  
"Yes, dear. Come here."

  
He hated her for how calm she was.

  
He heard footsteps approaching, but he didn't turn around.

  
He closed his eyes.

  
When he opened them again Abby was crouching in front of him and his vision was blurry. He didn't blink, he couldn't let the tears fall, but he knew that his stupid red nose would give him away.

  
Abby offered a hand, palm up and just out of Aaron's reach.

  
"Come on, Aaron. Just the blood test and then we're done. You can stay here to cool down or I can call Nicky for you. You did it before, you can do it again." She smiled.

  
"I can't."

  
"Why?"

  
The tears fell. "Because I have this stupid haircut and I fought with my best friend and now she knows that I'm a junkie and I can't. Not now."

  
His voice was steady and too controlled for a person who hadn't cried in so long.

  
He took Abby's hand.

  
"Okay, Aaron. Let's do this then, I'll wait for you here, you have 45 minutes, but nothing more, I have to send the samples tonight if I want them back for your practice tomorrow. I'll wait for you here while you listen to music or read a book or take a shower and scrub off all that sweat and these tears." She passed her thumb under his eye and smiled a bit.

  
Aaron's heart swelled and he had to close his eyes again.

  
"I'll wait for you here and when you're ready we'll take your samples. And when we're finished you can stay here to relax or go talk to your friend and try to be forgiven." She smiled. "Sounds good?"

  
Eyes still closed, he nodded.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> How are you?  
> So, early update because I won't have time to do anything during the week end. As always, thanks to everyone who keeps reading and commenting, you really cheer me up.   
> This chapter, like the last one, is a bit tense. I don't want to spoil anything, but that's what the last tag is for, so heads up if it's not your thing.   
> Hope you like the chapter!  
> <3

Aaron actually went to take a shower, to scrub off his skin and blame the redness of his nose on the heat. He cried a bit more, but managed to put himself back together.

  
Only half an hour had passed, but he was determined to go back to Abby.

Also, he was afraid he would chicken out if he waited a bit more. He understood now why Katelyn needed someone to stay with her till Dobson called her in, but he was alone, so he gathered all his courage and marched in her office.

  
All the needles and the cotton balls were already on the desk, ready to be used.

  
He chickened out.

  
"I can't."

  
"Aaron." She was stern now. "Sit down."

  
"I'll sit down, but I can't."

  
"Okay, one thing at a time."

  
The chair was uncomfortable and he was clasping his hands together so forcefully that he was afraid he would block his own circulation, but he was okay with it: if Abby couldn't take his arm, she couldn't take his blood.

  
"Now, Aaron, give me your hand. You know the procedure."

  
He looked at her. "Abby." He pleaded. "Let's be rational, is this really necessary? What can't I tell that-"

  
"For fuck's-"

Aaron flinched. It had taken a lot for him to trust Abby, but sometimes he couldn't help but doubt her. He didn't want to, but it was ingrained in him. He knew rationally that Abby wouldn't hurt him, but, on some occasions, memories tended to overwhelm him and he couldn't tell who was standing in front of him. It helped that Abby was always so patient and calm, but so had been his mother when he was little.

She covered her mouth with her hand so quickly that Aaron was afraid it would bruise. She collected herself. "Aaron, my dear, you know I need to check your blood for a billion reasons that are not relevant now, but-"

  
"Tell me the reasons!" He interrupted her. "Tell me the reasons and I'll prove you I already know the answers."

  
She sighed.

  
"Tell me the reasons."

  
She lifted her glasses on top of her head. "Fine." She sounded defeated. "I have to check for drugs, but we know you already know that. I have to check for alcohol." She lifted an eyebrow at him.

  
"I didn't drink, not since Friday."

  
"Okay. Medications?"

  
"No. I don't take anything."

  
"Yeah, but what if we discover you have to take something? What if you have-"

  
He interrupted her again. "We don't, go on."

  
She sighed. "Check your manners, Aaron."

  
"Sorry, Abby. You can go on." He thought about it for a moment. "Please."

  
She nodded. "Thanks." She resumed her list. "We have to check for sexual transmitted diseases."

  
"No, we don't."

  
She chuckled. "Yes, we do, Aaron." She put her glasses back on. "Did you have unprotected sex?"

  
"No." He crossed his arms.

  
"Oral sex?"

  
"No." He scoffed.

  
"Did you come in contact with-"

  
He interrupted her for the third time. "Abby, please, stop talking about that." He knew he was raising his voice, but he couldn't help it. He could feel his neck growing red by the second.

  
Abby stared at him. She looked like someone who wanted an explanation.

  
He lowered his voice. "You know I'm still a virgin, stop asking." He took a deep breath. "Please."

  
There wasn't judgement in her eyes. "Well, Aaron, I knew you were six months ago. A lot can happen in six months."

  
"Nothing happened." He shook his head. "I'm busy. I don't want to. And school is more important anyway."

  
She smiled a little smile, not the pitiful one, but a new one that Aaron had never seen. "Well, Aaron, I'm sure that school is important, but if you want it, you shouldn't deprive yourself of it."

  
He shook his head again. "I don't want it."

  
"Then, perfect. Promise me you'll always stand up for yourself and that you'll make other people respect your decision." She offered her hand.

  
"I'll try, Abby."

  
They shook hands.

  
"Perfect." She kept his hand in hers and started rolling up his sleeve. "Now, you know that's not enough to not be blood tested, don't you?"

  
He sighed, hanging his head in desperation. "Yeah." He had been outsmarted another time.

  
She dabbed a bit of cotton and passed it on the crook of his elbow. "Same procedure as always: you're in your favourite chair, if you pass out you won't fall, you can close your eyes whenever you want, but never stop talking, so that I'll know you're still with me. This will take just a minute."

  
Aaron was already looking away.

  
She took the needle and tied his arm. "Okay, you can start talking."

  
He made it to the first line of the beginning of the Iliad, then he closed his eyes.   
  
  


  
When he woke up, he was in Abby's chair and felt pretty groggy. A chocolate bar and a cup of tea were waiting on the desk and he could feel the stiffness in his arm due to the tape and cotton ball stopping his blood flow.

  
"Good evening, champion. How are you?" Abby was reading a gossip magazine in front of him and there was no trace of the blood samples. "I think it's better if you lay down next time, it's safer."

  
He sipped his tea. "I like this chair."

  
"You always say it's uncomfortable."

  
"Yeah, but it's routine."

  
"Well, okay then. Not the strangest request I've heard in my career." She smiled. "You did well, Aaron. How are you feeling?"

  
He grunted.

  
She chuckled. "Good, then. I'll give you your usual 20 minutes to recover and eat your chocolate, then I have something I want to talk to you about."

  
He nodded.  
  
  


  
He liked talking to Abby, she always had interesting stories and topics about different medical fields. He knew now that she had worked for a bit in the army alongside her father, but hated it, so she had moved to South Carolina and started working in a hospital. She met Wymack there, with a broken nose and bloody knuckles, they became friends and she left everything to come to Palmetto and patch up several generations of Foxes. She had a lot of pictures on her desk. Aaron's was already there and, everytime he saw it, he felt like maybe he could belong.

  
"Aaron." Abby startled him out of his thoughts and his tea sloshed all over his hands.

  
He cursed. "Fuck!"

  
"Sorry." Abby passed him some tissues, but she didn't look surprised. "Do you remember what we talked about before you passed out, yeah?"

  
Aaron started drying his hands more forcefully. He gritted out a yes and started staring at his lap.

  
"Do you want to talk about it more?"

  
He shook his head and balled up his tissues.

  
"Aaron?"

  
He respected Abby, so he didn't want to just stand up and leave with apparently no reason, but, damn, did she have to insist?

  
"No, I don't."

  
"Okay, but do you have someone to talk about it with?"

  
"No." The hot tea was scalding in his fist, but he didn't care, he clutched the tissue and let it run down his knuckles.

  
"The friend you mentioned before?"

  
"No." He was cutting.

  
"Nicky?"

  
"No, Abby." He lifted his gaze. "I don't have anyone to talk about it, because there's nothing to talk about."

  
His voice had been steady, polite even. He regretted that, because it was exactly what let Abby continue the conversation, sure that he'd be okay with that.

  
"Maybe there is, Aaron." She kept smiling. "Maybe you're not informed about it, but you're not the only one who doesn't want to have sex, there are a lot of people like that too. It's called asexuality and-"

  
"Stop. Please, stop." He didn't know when he got into the habit of interrupting Abby.

  
"Why? Do you know about that?" She wasn't smiling anymore, but she still looked open and trustful and so, so proud.

  
Aaron hated her, he averted his gaze. "Of course I know about that. I knew it wasn't normal. When I couldn't blame it on the drugs anymore, I had to find out what was wrong with me."

  
"There's nothing wrong with you."

  
"There is!" He was raising his voice. "There is, Abby, and you know that, you're a woman of science, you should know this is wrong. There are no papers, no books that justify this. The only explanation you get is if it's a side effect of something. And I'm not doing anything. I'm not.”

  
"I know." She was still calm.

  
"Then why? Why this happens?"

  
She sighed. "Aaron, I've already told you that it's perfectly fine not wanting to have sex and I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for that too, we just have to find it."

  
"But I do want to!"

  
"What?" She look startled.

  
"I do want to have sex, I want to so bad. I kept trying, I just couldn't." He could feel traitorous tears refilling his eyes. "I can't. It makes me sick. I can't and I hate it."

  
He closed his eyes and let the tears fall.

  
He stood up. He didn't want Abby to look at him this time. Not for this.

  
"Aaron, stop!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I hope you liked this new side of the story. I've been stressing a lot about these last chapters.  
> The story was a bit different at the beginning, when I first thought it out. Aaron was going to have a complicated relationship with sex, in the way that he actually got to experience it and hate it, but I didn't like this direction. I'm not a big fan of rape as a plot device and this looked to fall too near it.  
> I decided instead to just make Aaron uncomfortable with it, hating the fact that he is uncomfortable with it and feeling shame due to the expectations that society puts on people and especially man to be sexual.  
> I actually think this new version works better with the idea of him that I have as a character and as a person. I think he wouldn't push himself to do things he's not comfortable with, he's too in control to do it and he actually trusts himself to give up control when he knows what will happen (alcohol, drugs). The problem is that he can't predict people and he can't predict actions and, sadly, his logical mind wouldn't help him in a situation where every move is basically based on instinct.  
> All this to say: I hope you still liked the chapters, I hope you still like Aaron's character and understand his choices.  
> Thanks to everyone who keeps reading and commenting, you really make me happy!  
> I hope everyone is being safe and healthy. 💛💛💛

Aaron didn't stop.

  
He walked all the way outside the stadium and then all the way to the buildings and, then, he stopped.

  
He stopped because he didn't know where to go. He didn't want to look at Andrew, he didn't want to talk to Nicky. He had already slipped today, he didn't want to mess up again and say things that weren't meant to be said.

  
He just wanted to sit in silence and be understood. Let the shame roll off of him. He wanted a friend.

  
He started walking towards the Vixens's dorm.

  
He stopped.

  
He turned back and started walking in the opposite direction.

  
He stopped again.

  
He checked his backpack: his notes were still there.

  
He resumed his walk. He would apologize, he would give Katelyn his notes and hope that she wanted to spend some time in silence together. It was simple.

  
She had his back and he had hers. He had sat in silence with an angry Katelyn before, so he figured she would do the same for a shameful Aaron.

  
Hell, he had been caught. He couldn't believe that. He had been so stupid. And by Abby, above all. Damn her and damn those stupid needles that always managed to lower his guard! He couldn't believe his luck, fear was a stupid thing and he was a coward. He would kick himself if he could. He felt so raw and seen, but not in a good way.

He felt seen the way you do when you're walking down the cold streets at night and you keep turning your head to check your back for a shadow, but, the moment you face the opposite side, you're afraid they might catch you from the other.

He wanted to shout, but he couldn't. He wouldn't let the panic seize him up and transform into rage. So he headed to the library: he would make copies of his notes, feel the warm paper under his palms and then he would bring them to Katelyn. Only then, when he was relaxed and calm and ready to apologize, he would think about what to say. He should give her an explanation and he would wait for her answer.

The library was deserted at 7 p.m. and the copy machines were all his to use.

He finished the copies of his notes, but he still hadn't thought about what to tell Katelyn, so he bought himself time. He put his hand on the plexiglass and looked at the green beam move under his eyes. He knew it was stupid, but nobody was there to look at him.

He put the papers in his backpack and marched out of the library. He had chickened out once today, he wouldn't do it a second time. And he cared about Katelyn, he didn't want to wait other two days wondering if they were going to be okay.

The air was cool and crisp in the way that it only gets in Spring. He thought that Katelyn was like that too: chilly, but she would keep you warm if you managed to find a spot of sunshine in the grass.

Aaron wanted her to forgive him so badly, but he had been an asshole and would understand if she didn't want to.

The door of the dorm was the right one, but the girl who opened it wasn't Katelyn.

“Hi.” He was clutching his notes, they weren't warm anymore.

“Hi.” He wondered if every cheerleader owned a pair of specifically comfy sweatpants. “Who are you?”

She laughed. “It's the other way 'round, boy: who are _you_?”

“Oh, um, I'm Aaron. I play for the Foxes and I have some notes for Katelyn.” He waved the few pages he was holding in his hand.

She looked at him, from his hair to his sneakers and back up. “Are you the goalie? The one who's always with the tall guy with a face tattoo?”

Aaron felt a small thrill of victory running through his body when she didn't recognize “The Kevin Day”. He could even ignore the fact that she had mistaken him for his brother. “No, I'm a backliner. Andrew's my brother.”

“You look alike.”

“We're twins.”

“Cool.” She was leaning on the door, looking bored.

“Listen, is Katelyn there or not? I just want-”

She interrupted him. “I don't know, let me check.”

“How do you not-”

“Oi, boy-”

“It's Aaron.”

“Well, Aaron. I'll check. If she doesn't want to see you, you stay here, that's easy. Give me a minute.”

He huffed.

She closed the door and turned the lock.

“What the fuck?” He swore under his breath, but, yeah, it was fair.

He leaned on the opposite wall and started waiting.

He thought about Abby and how at times she resembled his mother. His mother when he was little, when he still used to call her "mum" and curl up in bed with her. He knew he was projecting and that the desperate need to make Abby proud came from the fact that he'll never know how his mother really felt about him. She had been an addict too, he could have helped her. He had recovered, so why not her? Why not his mum?

He remembered her soft fingers carding through his hair while she whispered a bed time story. He remembered how she could have been. The problem was that he still remembered how she _had_ been, how cruel and sharp and twisted she had managed to become. He remembered loathing her at first when she had started with the drugs, he remembered fearing her.

He remembered the desperation seeping into his bones when the money weren't enough and the beatings kept coming. He remembered failing school and losing friends and hating his reputation.

He remembered when drugs started to look appealing instead of revolting. They were there, a small step from him. It had been so easy to slip under.

He remembered how hard it had been to crawl his way out of the bottom of the barrel.

When the door opened again he was slowly slumping down the wall, not because he had been waiting for too long, but because the stress and the physical activity he had done in the last hours were catching up to him.

“Okay, boy.”

“It's Aaron.” He gritted out.

“Okay, Aaron.” She mocked his tone, adding a grimace for good measure. “She'll see you.” And she said that like he was awaiting the judge to deliver his sentence.

“Okay.”

She turned around and left the door opened. He propped himself up to wait for Katelyn.

After a few minutes the same girl came back. “Well? Are you waiting for a formal invitation or are you planning to come in in the next century?”

“What?” He said eloquently. “Isn't she coming out?”

“No, she's studying and doesn't want to disrupt her session. She has everything laying down on her bed.”

“Oh, okay.” He still didn't move.

“Come on, Aaron!” And he took the first step just because he hated how she had said his name.


	17. Chapter 17

Katelyn was waiting for him on her bed. It was one of the top bunks, so Aaron had to crane his neck in an awkward way to try and see her. Damn his height and damn her bed. He had to take a few steps back to get a full picture of the situation: Katelyn was still wearing her sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, her hair was up in a ponytail and her glasses were slipping down her nose. Her chipped dark polished nails contrasted with her pastel highlighters and Aaron was soothed by the familiar sight.

He cleared his throat. “I have today's notes with me.”

He could feel her room mates' eyes on him. Katelyn apparently didn't care, because she held up a finger and continued highlighting a paragraph, when she finished she put the cap back on and lifted her gaze.

“Hi, Aaron.”

“Uh, sorry. Hi, Katelyn.” He took a small step forward, now that she had raised her head he had a better view on her expression. She didn't seem mad. “How are you?”

“I was a bit upset this morning, but I managed to distract myself pretty efficiently. Thanks for asking.”

He hated that she wouldn't climb down her bed. “I'm here for your notes. I copied them in the library.”

“Well, thanks, Aaron. Now I'll have more days to read them.” She started rifling through them. When she arrived to the last one, she turned it around, lifting her eyebrow in question. It was the one with Aaron's hand on it.

He mentally slapped himself. “Oh, sorry, I was kind of bored at the library. You can pass it back.” He could hear her room mates snickering, but Katelyn didn't look like she cared.

“Oh, no, I'm gonna keep it, if it's okay. You copied these for me after all.”

“Well, okay.” He agreed because what else could he say? This day had already been a failure, another weird thing wouldn't make a difference. “Also, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Okay.”

He glanced around the room. “In private.”

“Oh, I was planning to get some more study done, but okay.”

  
“It won't take long.”

“Okay, let me put my shoes on.”

She climbed down the bed and Aaron had never seen such a graceless act, but he couldn't find it in him to be annoyed. Katelyn had risked to go to the Olympics as a gymnast and here she was, stumbling down the stairs of her bunkbed and landing with heavy feet on the floor. Aaron could have smiled.

“Where are you planning to go?”

“I don't know, just a bit far from your room mates.” He raised his voice a little on the last word, to make sure they knew where he stood.

“Okay, I'll take my jacket then, we can go to the library.”

They walked in silence to the library, Aaron still thinking about what to say and how to swallow his pride and Katelyn shivering in her jean jacket.

They sat down on the couch, leaving the tables free for the people who needed to study all night. Aaron started fidgeting with the strap of his bag, he tried to take some time, but he knew that Katelyn wouldn't come to his rescue this once. He had to take a deep breath and say sorry. He wasn't worried about it being hard to say, but more about how to say it and sound truthful: he was truthful, he wanted Katelyn to know he truly was sorry, but he was scared that the words he was going to use would betray him.

He cleared his throat. “I'm sorry, Katelyn. About this morning. I didn't mean to lash out, but everything has been adding up this week and I was afraid you might find out through gossip or because of the Foxes' reputation. I'm sorry.”

“So it's true.” She sounded calculating, like she was rearranging different scenarios in her mind, like she was pushing away all the options that him lying would activate.

“What is true?”

“That you're an addict.” She said that like it was obvious, like it was a pure fact and they would be able to dissect it without any emotions getting in the way.

Aaron didn't firmly believe it, but he was willing to try. He didn't want to scream or to cry or to reenact the same scene of that morning. He just wanted to let Katelyn know where he stood so that she could choose clearly, with all the informations to back up her reasons. He wanted Katelyn to have a reason to walk away from him and for her to explain it, not just leave him standing there, wondering what fucked up part of his life had been the last straw.

“I was an addict. My mum was an addict and I started using when things started going really badly. My brother made me go through withdrawal and I'm clean since then.” He stopped. “Well, no. I still take cracker dust when we go dancing sometimes, but it's psychological, not physical. The addiction, I mean.”

“Okay.”

He so desperately wanted a response that didn't look like indifference, or apathy, but he didn't care right now. This was okay, it was okay because Katelyn hadn't out right shut him out. She said it was fine, she didn't say it was shameful or ugly or stupid.

“Okay?”

“Well, yes. I mean, I still think you should try and stay away from every kind of drug, but I know how hard it is to believe you crave something and resist it.”

“You know?” He didn't mean to sound so weary and curious, it just came out that way. He wasn't as good at controlling his emotions as he thought. “Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that. I'm just...”

Surprised wasn't the right word. He still didn't know Katelyn that deeply, so he couldn't really have expectations and Katelyn had already proved to be a person who tended to defeat them either way.

“I'm just curious.”

She attempted a little smile, the tiniest thing that reassured Aaron he didn't completely fuck up. “You can ask.”

  
“Can I?”

“Yeah, before I change my mind.” She chuckled a bit. “No, I mean, it's just fair: you told me something and I'll tell you something. Like the questions. Even if I didn't ask this morning.”

He scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I'm sorry about that too. I didn't mean to dump all that info on you at 8 a.m. on a Monday. I should have warned you.”

  
“You should have.” She agreed. “But you apologized, so it's okay. Or it will be. I took your baggage, now you take mine. We share the burden.”

He nodded. “Okay. Okay. I'd really like to listen to your story, then.” He smiled. “Katelyn.”

She settled more comfortably on the couch, her legs folded beneath her. “I'll tell you the short version. You might be able to patch it all together from some of my other stories.”

He nodded.

She laid back. “So, as you know I was a pretty good gymnast. I went to a lot of competitions and the pressure spiked up my anxiety. I started taking meds for it when I was still pretty young. One day, after a particularly bad competition - not because I lost, but because I was so anxious I couldn't stop shaking – I kept taking my meds. When one pill wasn't enough, I took two, when two stopped working I took three and so on. I couldn't control myself: I just knew that I had this feeling in my chest that kept squeezing my lungs and that the pills would make it go away.” She sighed and lifted the hood of her sweater, covering her eyes. “I woke up at the hospital the next day. It was my brother who found me and I think I gave _him_ anxiety for the rest of his life. He can be quite overbearing, but I understand him.” She took a deep breath. “The problem was that it happened _after_ a competition.”

Aaron was listening in complete silence, not wanting to disrupt Katelyn. He knew how hard it was when you finally started talking and someone interrupted you. You had to let the words flow like water and, if they stopped, it was hard to restart.

But Katelyn now really looked like she needed a push, a bit of encouragement. Her breathing was shallow and her eyes were shining with unshed tears. Aaron placed a hand on her shoulder, when she relaxed a bit he started drawing small circles between her shoulder and neck.

The tears fell and Aaron couldn't stop them, but he was there to hold Katelyn when she started shaking under the force of her sobs.

He kept stroking her back and her shoulders and, when her breathing seemed to worsen, he started reciting the beginning of the Iliad. He had to go through the few words he knew three times before Katelyn managed to get her breathing under control. He still held her after that, she didn't make a move to get away. He felt a bit awkward, but he pushed through: he was happy that she felt comfortable enough to lean on him, especially after what he had told her.

She kept her face hidden between his shoulder and neck and she kept going. “It happened after a competition, not before, so a lot of people at my school started saying that I was an addict, a junkie, that I was just doing it for the attention. My brother got in a few fights, but he kept it hidden while I was at the hospital. When I came back to school I couldn't stand it, the pressure was too much, but I couldn't get my meds. I stayed at home for weeks, my brothers and my friends helped through it, they never left me alone. I gave up gymnastic, just the thought of competing again gave me the chills.” She took a deep breath. “I started using weed, but it was a secret and I used it only for 'special occasions', like exams and prom. I still do it sometimes, but not too much. That day when you needed help texting that girl I had smoked, that's why I was so relaxed, but then I crash every time. That's why I go to Betsy. I hate it, but I need it.” She shrugged and smudged her tears on his sweater. “Is this okay?”

Aaron kept stroking her back. “Of course, Katelyn. Of course. I'll try to be more careful with my words from now on.”

“Thanks, Aaron.”

They stayed a bit more on the couch, then Katelyn sat up and slapped his knee. “Come on, I have to go back to studying.”

They headed to the exit, but Aaron stopped in his tracks. “Wait here a minute, I have to take a book.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now. Wait here.” He turned and ran down the aisles.

When he came back he was holding a battered copy of the Iliad. “So that I'll have something more to tell you next time.”

Katelyn smiled. “I'm looking forward to a time where there wouldn't be a next time.”

He held up the copy and smiled too. “Well, while we wait...”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I hope everyone is safe and healthy. Thanks to everyone who keeps reading, I hope you liked this version of Katelyn and her attitude towards Aaron.   
> Also, I love Nicky, I hope you like him too!  
> 💛💛💛

When they arrived to Katelyn's building their shoulders were still brushing together. Aaron could feel the warmth of the touch, a warmth that was more emotional than physical, the warmth of companionship and of not regretting being known.

“You know, Aaron. I feel like I have to apologize. That was a rehearsed speech, the one I gave to my therapists. I know that doesn't make it less true, but it always makes me feel less honest. I don't know why.” 

She stopped walking and he stopped too. They were still standing side by side, not meeting each other's eyes, pretending to look at the roof of the building in front of them. 

He was confused. “Why are you telling me this?” Why was she telling him now? They had already been honest, they had been open, the worst part had passed. Why bring it back now? Why not letting go and move on?

She lowered her gaze, but still kept staring ahead. “I'm telling you, because I hope that one day I'll be able to retell you my story and feel completely at peace with it.” She turned. “So many times I had feared that showing my story to someone would leave me with the bitter taste of judgement. I was afraid I would regret it because of the other person's reaction, but two therapist, a counselor, my friends and now you made me understand that the worst part is not being accepted, it's accepting myself.” 

She stayed silent for a bit and they resumed their inspection of the dorms' rooftop. 

“I don't regret telling you. I trust you. I simply hate the way I do it, detached and clinical. I hate it because it's the only way I can do it. Sometimes I feel so far from my emotions, like I'm talking about another person, but I'll get there eventually.”

Aaron didn't think she had been detached: she had cried, she had let him in; but he couldn't tell Katelyn that. He hated when people told him how he should feel, so it seemed only fair for him to keep quiet and accept what she was telling him. She had already took a step and told him, the least he could do was believe her. 

He believed her. 

“I think you're still brave, Katelyn.”

“I think I am too, Aaron.”

He smiled because she couldn't see him. “Good.”

“But you're brave, too. I know you are.”

He huffed. “I don't feel like it.”

“You don't need to feel it. It's facts.”

“It's not.” He crossed his arms. 

“It is.” 

He was still looking at the rooftop, so she stepped in front of him and forced him to meet her gaze. Damn her height. 

“How did you know that I was brave, Aaron?”

He focused on her eyes, he would not stray. “Because I've heard you in the library, right now, and I see you every day. You get out of bed and you go to Dobson and you do those terrifying jumps in the air.”

She chuckled. “And tell me, is not true that you wake up everyday and walk to class and sometimes you bring coffe? Is it not true that you fought for your brother and that you told me how you felt this morning? Isn't it brave to apologize?”

He turned his eyes down. “I don't think-”

“It is, Aaron. It is.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “If it had been someone else you would have thought them brave.”

He still wasn't convinced. It felt a bit like one of Dobson's monologues. He didn't know if he could trust it, but Katelyn had said that these were facts, he would just need to analyse them and come to a conclusion. 

He thought Nicky had been brave for fighting for them, but he had fought for Andrew. He thought Katelyn had been brave for telling him her story, but he had done the same thing that morning, out of rage, that was true, but it still held the same result. Hell, he even thought that Matt had been brave with his addiction because he knew what it meant to go through Andrew's impromptu clinic. These were facts. 

He looked up at Katelyn. He loved her height now, shielding him from the world.

“Sometimes just not being afraid to grow up makes you brave.”

He hugged her.

When he came back to the dorm Nicky was the only one there, Kevin and Andrew were at night practice. Or maybe at coach's if Andrew was having a bad day. It was possible after Abby's check up. 

Aaron warmed up some leftovers and sat on the bean bag near Nicky.

“Hey, Aaron. You seem... at peace.”

Aaron just nodded, he knew Nicky would keep going: he never passed a possibility to talk to Aaron when he found him in a good mood. 

Nicky was cheerful. “How did your check up go?”

“Rocky start, but I'm fine now.”

Nicky beamed. “Oh, that's good! And the blood tests?”

He hesitated a bit, but then he put his fork down and started talking. He had already been honest today, he would keep up the streak. “I had to try it twice. I cried. Abby outsmarted me.” He looked at Nicky. “I think it went well.”

Nicky bursted out laughing. A full belly laugh that Aaron rarely managed to get out of him. “Oh, god, Aaron. I'm so proud of you.” He tried to hug him without crushing his food. “So proud of you. You're really brave, for taking the blood test and for admitting that you have cried.”

It was the second time in a single night that that word was thrown his way. He managed to accept it more gracefully this time. “Thank you, Nicky.” He patted his cousin on the shoulder. “I think you're brave too.”

They stayed there for a bit, arms linked at the shoulders. Nicky trying to kiss his forehead and Aaron pushing him away. They were laughing and smiling and Aaron really felt at peace. 

He stayed up for a bit with Nicky, playing videogames and chatting. He discovered that Erik was saving up for a house of their own and, despite feeling a bit of melancholy, Aaron was glad to hear Nicky use 'their' instead of 'his'. He knew that they were meant to be, he could hear it in Nicky's voice and see it in the packages that came every month from Germany. He could feel it in every word that Nicky spoke on the phone, in how his German sounded really perfect, matching Erik's accent, so far away from the twins' pronunciation. He was glad for Nicky. He deserved all the happiness in the world, every last bit that was taken away from him during his childhood. He deserved every moment with Erik. Aaron wanted to make up for every second Nicky had to spend with them instead of his boyfriend, he just didn't know how.

When Aaron went to bed that night he was still smiling at Nicky's jokes. Despite the roller coaster of feelings during his day, he didn't feel emotionally drained. He was tired, but content, like after a good training session. His brain was still buzzing with thoughts and his heart was too loud in his chest. 

He picked up his borrowed copy of the Iliad and started studying. He could do it, they were just a few pages.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, early update.  
> Hi!  
> I want to thank everyone who keeps reading and commenting, you really make my day and help me to stay inspired. 💛  
> After a bit of angst, we finally have a more relaxed chapter.  
> I feel like the writing in this chapter is not so good, but my head hurts and I hate editing, so I'll go with it for now. If I feel the same in a few days I'll probably come back to it.

Aaron worked in sealed off compartments: everything in his life had a place and must stay in that place. That's why he liked to keep his things private, to not show his true colours to most people. He was afraid everything would mix, because when all the colours spilled together, then it was hard to put them back in their place. Aaron wanted to keep it that way, hermetic and safe.

Aaron's life was still mostly divided into two parts now. The ones shared with Katelyn: school, study, lunch. These ones were the parts he didn't have to worry about, he was sure of them, he was sure of Katelyn. She was sticking with him and he'll keep reaching for her.

  
Then there were the parts when he was alone. Or he felt like he was. The afternoons spent on the court and trying to avoid Abby, the nights in his dorm, trying to ignore Kevin's shallow breathing and whatever nonsense came out of his twin's drugged mouth. These parts were ugly, he had to keep looking over his shoulders, watch were he stepped. He didn't trust Abby, he thought she was a good person, but between that and trust could stand mountains. He was tired of all the glances she gave him while they played, always scanning him, trying to find an injure, weariness, something. He didn't need coddling and he hated her for that.

  
Then there were other few times, the ones that would mash the two parts of his life together. These times were the ones spent with Nicky and the nights at Eden's, where he could forget who he was, what life he was living. These moments were not particularly happy or thrilling, but he liked them nonetheless. He let them pass without fuss, without dreading the deadline.

So, because Aaron was used to his highs to be soon over and his lows to drag on for months, he got a bit suspicious at the smell of fresh pancakes on a Friday morning.

His whole week had been okay: after Monday's fiasco he had made up with Katelyn, managed to avoid Abby at all costs and spent a pleasant Wednesday studying at the library. A test was coming up and both him and Katelyn were pretty sure they'd nail it. Well, Katelyn was still anxious, but he thought that studying together was helping. Aaron was there to reassure her that she was doing good (actually, he thought she was one of the best students in their class, but he still hadn't told her) and, when she got too worked up, he was there to calm her down. Sometimes he would simply talk, sometimes he would let her be or put on some music, but most of the times he would just sit there and recite his poem. He had memorized a few more lines from the last time, he still couldn't grasp the whole meaning, but he was working through it.

So, his week had been mostly fine and these pancakes were making him suspicious.

He walked into the kitchen, Nicky dancing at the counter and Kevin standing awkwardly beside him.

“Morning, Aaron!” He got a cheerful salute from Nicky, a nod from Andrew and a distressed flailing of hands from Kevin. Whatever. He had given up on trying to understand them.

Aaron grabbed a pancake directly from the fresh pile beside Nicky. Kevin chocked back a sound that sounded like a whine. He raised an eyebrow, but Kevin was still looking at Nicky's every movement, intently, so he got no answer.

He tried the verbal approach. “Why are we making pancakes?”

“ _I_ am making pancakes.” Nicky looked at him pointedly.

Aaron didn't understand, but he still went along. “Okay, why are _you_ making pancakes?”

“I'm making pancakes, because Kevin so kindly asked me to show him how they're done.”

Aaron looked at Kevin. “Why?” But, again, he got no answer. He wondered how a person could look so focused and yet so sleepy at the same time.

That's when Andrew chirped up from his spot. “He wants to make sure Nicky doesn't poison them.” He let out a laugh that Aaron wanted to shove back down his throat. He hated Andrew's drugs.

“That's not true, Andrew. Kevin trusts me.”

Judging from Kevin's alert eyes on the pan, Aaron wasn't so sure, but he wouldn't comment on it.

Actually, he wasn't sure about anything. He just grabbed his pancakes and sat down at the table.

After breakfast they relaxed in front of the TV and got ready to go to the court. There were no more games to play this season, but that didn't mean that coach would let them run free. They had a special practice today: Kevin would show them tape of their season and point out each and every error. Aaron was afraid that meant they would stay at the court till the next morning. He knew Kevin was training and he knew he would hate him as a teammate, but at that point anything was better than “The Son of Exy” as an assistant coach.

Predictably, no one was pleased with Kevin's lesson: the few players who would graduate that year didn't bother to show up, Seth was fighting every step of the way, Aaron was doing his homework in the last row of chairs and Nicky was texting Erik. Kevin couldn't look more annoyed, but that was basically his default expression, so Aaron didn't think a lot of it.

When Kevin's hour of power finally lasted, Aaron and Nicky headed back to their dorm. They were walking, because Andrew and Kevin had decided to stay back at the court with coach. The path they had to follow passed right in front of the gym where the Vixens used to train, there were a few of them in front of the building, but, under the midday sun, Aaron couldn't see if Katelyn was one of them. He kept walking.

“Hey, Aaron.” He could hear the hurried steps on the pavement, so he stopped and turned around to wait for her.

“Hi, Katelyn.” He smiled, he had hoped to see her.

“Hi!” Her cheeks were still rosy from the workout and her hair was messy. She extended a hand to Nicky. “I'm Katelyn.”

  
Nicky beamed. “Nice to meet you.” He gave a pleased side glance to Aaron that Aaron decided to ignore. “I'm Nicky, Aaron's cousin.”

“I know.”

“She knows!” Nicky turned to Aaron, Katelyn's hand still in his. “You talk about me.” He sounded so pleased. “But, I know about you, too. You're in Aaron's class, right?”

She smiled the littlest smile. “I am.”

“And how is this boy doing? Is he good? Is he behaving?”

“Nicky...” He growled.

Katelyn replied nonetheless. “Oh, he's good. A bit of an asshole at times, but good.”

Nicky let out a disbelieving laugh, covering his mouth. “Oh, god. I like you.”

She nodded. “I like you, too.”

Aaron didn't know if he should feel pleased or threatened.

They kept walking and talking all the way back to Fox Tower. Katelyn wasn't too outgoing, Aaron didn't expect her to be, but they still managed to keep up an easy conversation, Nicky jumping in every few minutes with a new topic.

By the end of their walk Katelyn knew who Erik was, everything about Kevin and some fun facts about the twins' time with Nicky. Aaron was a bit embarrassed, but not too contrary.

He had promised Nicky that he would meet Katelyn and, now that the semester was almost over, seemed like the perfect time. Moreover, Katelyn looked so completely at ease with Nicky that he couldn't really regret anything. He knew that Nicky had that effect on most people and the outcome was exactly the one he had hoped for.

“I'm a real fan of the Vixens.” Nicky was rambling.

“Yeah?” Katelyn arched an eyebrow and looked at Aaron. Aaron just shrugged.

“Yeah! You are so good, you do all these fantastic routines and difficult jumps. You're good! Besides, you're basically the only people who support us when we play at another school.” Nicky chuckled on the last sentence.

“Oh, come on, that's not true!”

Aaron intervened. “It is.”

“See?” Nicky gestured frantically at Aaron. “He only speaks when it's relevant, so he must be saying the truth.

“I don't.” Aaron tried to defend himself, but Katelyn was smiling, so he let that go.

“Come on, I'm sure you'll do better next year. You're good.” And with that she left them there, standing in the parking lot, Nicky waving at her and Aaron unsure of what to think.

He didn't dare wish her sentence would come true, it sounded more like a bad omen than good luck. He knew he shouldn't play with fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted in the end notes because I don't know what qualifies as spoiler. 
> 
> I've been waiting for so long to finally post this chapter because:  
> 1) I love Kevin, like really love, if someone has read some other fics of mine probably knows it.  
> 2) I love Katelyn (she's still a little shit and I love her. Call the boy out!)  
> 3) Katelyn and Nicky's friendship is something I didn't know I needed till I had written it down, but I'm so here for them. And look at Aaron, being all pleased about them getting along.  
> 4) Neil. Neil is the bad omen. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! 💛💛💛


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I know I say this everytime, but it's true everytime: thanks to everyone who keeps commenting and reading! Seeing some of you leaving little comments all through this story is some of the most beautiful little things that life has to offer, and everyone reading/leaving kudos is amazing as well. You all make me feel seen and like my words are worth reading, I love sharing this with you.  
> So, after all of this, I wanted to say that this is a rushed update. The next ones would probably be too, because I'll be a bit busy these days. So, if you see a typo or something just let me know and I'll go back to fix it. I have everything already written down, but I don't have much time to edit it.  
> Hope it doesn't feel too rushed!  
> Oh, and I'm so excited because these next parts were so fun to write, I hope you have fun too!

“You should ask her for her number.”

Aaron kept his back to Nicky and didn't say anything: agreeing would condemn him to a life of teasing, but disagreeing would feel like a lie. He wanted to keep in contact with Katelyn over the summer. He wanted it so much, but he didn't know how to do it: what if she didn't want to, what if she had other friends back home and she didn't feel like talking to an awkward boy from school. He didn't want to be ignored and not having her number could eliminate the possibility.

“Just to keep in contact, you know, maybe you'll need help with your homework. What will you do for two weeks while I'm in Germany? I doubt you'll make friends with Kevin.”

Aaron grunted. That was true.

Nicky grabbed him by the shoulder and made him face him. “Come on, Aaron. I can see you like talking to her. I liked talking to her, too. She's funny and smart and for some god awful reason she likes you, just ask for her number!” He gazed into Aaron's eyes. “What do you have to lose?”

“This friendship.” He shrugged Nicky's hand off of his shoulder. “Maybe she has funnier friends at home and she'll realize it.”

“That's not a reason to not keep in contact with her. If you're afraid she'll forget you, you don't have to lend her a hand. Just write her, check on her, everyone likes to feel cared for.”

“And if she never replies?”

  
“Then you call me, I promise I'll always reply, but she doesn't seem like the type.”

Aaron nodded. “Okay, I'll think about it.”

Nicky hugged him. “Thank you. It'll really help me to know that you'll have someone else while I'm Germany.”

He hugged Nicky back. “Okay.”

So, that's why he found himself at the campus cafè on a Monday morning ordering one caramel coffee for him and an iced tea for Katelyn. He figured that the third time would be the good one.

He waited for Katelyn at their desk, already wearing his lab coat and sipping on his coffee. His notes were already out and he had to greet every student who entered the class, but he persisted.

Katelyn arrived exactly five minutes before the beginning of their class. She side hugged him, greeted him and started tying her hair back. He just passed her her iced tea after she put on her lab coat and she thanked him with a shy smile.

“You didn't have to.”

He shrugged. “I figured I might as well, seeing how the other two attempts went.”

“Well, thank you.” She lifted her cup and smiled. A proper smile.

Aaron felt his stomach bottom out, he blushed. “It's nothing.”

“It's not-”

He interrupted her. “It is.”

“Okay.” She chuckled.

Thankfully the rest of the lesson went as well as usual and he forgot about his earlier reaction. They finished everything in time and correctly, he wasn't surprised: he knew he was good and he had seen how Katelyn worked, she was driven and precise and he respected her. She was good.

They put their coats back on the rack and Aaron turned to her. “Can I ask you something?”

Katelyn looked worried. “Yeah?”

He immediately corrected his tone. “Oh, no. It's nothing bad. I promise.” He scratched his hair, it was growing back. “At least I hope.”

“Get on with it, Aaron.” She crossed her arms. “I have another class now.”

“I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just...” He took a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you that I really like spending time with you, just talking or whatever.” He waved his hand in the air, trying to dismiss his statement. “And this summer we won't be able to do it. So,” He clapped his hands.

What an idiot. Who clapped their hands?

“I was wondering if we could exchange numbers, you know, so that we can talk. Or text. Or whatever.” He had to stop saying 'whatever'. He was sure he had never felt more miserable in his entire life.

She laughed, just openly laughed.

There. Aaron knew this would go badly.

“Oh, my god. You really made me get an heart attack over this?” She kept laughing. “Give me your hand, you disaster.” She started rifling through her backpack.

He grimaced at the utter chaos that spilled from it.

She kept chuckling. “And _I_ am supposed to be the anxious one. I can't believe.”

He lifted his hand, palm up and unsure.

She grabbed it and turned it over, scribbling in glittery purple ink her number. “I have to go to class now, text me so that I'll save your number.” She waved at him and he nodded at her. She disappeared out of the door.

Aaron lifted his hand to his face, looking at the numbers and immediately typing them on his phone.

The ink smelled of blueberry and he wore it for the entire day.

When he arrived back to the dorm he went straight to the bathroom, double checking that he had saved Katelyn's number correctly and scrubbing off the ink from his hand. He missed the scent, but he couldn't risk Andrew seeing it.

Nicky greeted him with a smile and Aaron offered to help him bake. He was making cookies, Aaron didn't know what the occasion was, but Nicky looked pretty cheerful.

After 30 minutes of cutting different cookie shapes and Nicky singing at the top of his lungs, Aaron decided to speak up. “I asked for her number.”

Nicky was in the middle of a duet with himself and looked a bit surprised.

Aaron resumed to cut his cookies. “Katelyn.”

“Oh!” Nicky pulled a chair back and immediately sat down. “Tell me everything.”

“Not much to say. I asked for her number, she wrote it down and I saved it. That's it.”

“Oh, come on, Aaron.” He received a handprint of flour on his t-shirt. “What did she say? How did she look?”

Aaron thought about it. “She looked relieved. Happy.”

Another white handprint on his shoulder. “Told you!”

He patted at his shirt trying to lift the flour. “Yeah, yeah, you told me.”

Nicky slapped him another time. “I so did!”

“Stop ruining my shirt!”

“Okay, okay.” Nicky was visibly trying to restrain himself, holding on to his own hands and letting flour fall to the floor. “I'm just happy for you.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

Nicky was beaming.

That night Aaron texted Katelyn. “Hi, Katelyn. I'm Aaron. This is my number.”

Katelyn texted back. “See, you're not that bad at texting. Told you, you just needed to put in a bit more effort. So proud!”

He replied with. “Stop making fun of me!”, but he was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at my boy go!  
> The irony of Aaron being afraid that Katelyn wouldn't reply to him, while she was the hero who saved his ass because he was too awkward to text a girl.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> We see a bit more of Andrew here. Hope you like it!

So, the cookies Aaron had helped Nicky with the night before were for Erik. Nicky had them all skype him in the early hours of the morning and sing happy birthday. It was a sad display of sleepiness, grumpiness and Nicky's futile attempt at teaching the words of the song to Kevin. Kevin sadly didn't learn them on the first reprise, so they had to sing another time.

Aaron was positive that Erik didn't care about the song, but, like Nicky, he loved to look at them squirm and sing off tune. He was also sure that he loved hearing them talk in German just to laugh at their pronunciation. He wasn't particularly fond of Erik, even though he begrudgingly admired him for what he had done for Nicky. Andrew, on the other hand, seemed to be having the time of his life.

They ate the cookies in silence and then went to the gym, Nicky beaming all the while and telling everyone who would listen that it was his husband-to-be's birthday.

Aaron hated gym's sessions, because he was the only one who could properly spot Andrew. Admittedly, he was a little less strong than his twin, but he made up for it with resistance. They had come to an agreement: Aaron would wait for him on the treadmill and Andrew would let him do less repetitions.

They were in the middle of their session when Andrew started to speak to him in German.

“You know that Nicky will go to Germany for two weeks this summer, do you?”

“I do.” He was sweating and his arms were shaking, talking to Andrew right now wasn't exactly one of his top priorities.

“And you know that I'll be at the court with Kevin for most of that time. Do you?”

Aaron was straining. “I imagined that, yeah.”

Andrew helped him balance the weight back in its place. “I want you to come with us. You don't have to train. You'll stay with Abby and study or whatever.”

“I won't.”

“You will.”

“No, I don't want to.”

They switched places, Andrew on the bench and Aaron behind it, waiting to intervene. “I don't care what you want. You won't be left alone. You'll come with us.”

“Andrew. I won't. The house is perfectly fine and is more quiet. I'll be more productive there.”

“Yeah, but Abby could teach you.”

Aaron kept quiet.

“I hope that you don't really think that I didn't notice how you've been avoiding her like the plague lately.”

Aaron hated him for still being able to talk while lifting half of his body weight.

Andrew stopped, repositioning the dumbbell with nonchalance, arms barely shaking. “What did she do?”

He was looking directly at Aaron and Aaron knew what those eyes meant. They were the same eyes that had gazed into his soul after discovering purple bruises on his back, his arms, his legs. They were the same eyes that had killed his mother.

“Nothing.” He couldn't help but avoid eye contact. “She did nothing.” For how much he had disliked his conversation with Abby, he still considered her a good person, normal. He didn't want Andrew to hurt her.

It was true, he felt unsafe and seen and uncomfortably known. He feared for his secrets, for the judgement. He felt out of control and like he hadn't complete reign over his life. He knew, rationally, that it wasn't Abby's fault: she hadn't pushed him and was trying to help; but he couldn't help but be angry at her. Be angry because she didn't have to assume, be angry because she wasn't entitled to his life, be angry because she had thought he would need help.

Be angry because she had been right.

And Aaron so desperately wanted her to be wrong.

“No, she didn't do anything. It was me.” Aaron still couldn't look at his twin. “I saw the syringe and the needles and I freaked out. It's my fault. I didn't want her to see me like that.”

“You're ashamed.”

And that sounded so matter-of-factly that Aaron couldn't help but look up. Andrew was still staring at him, his drugged smile still in place, but his eyes more focused than Aaron could remember.

He thought about the drugs, he thought about lashing out at Katelyn and nearly crumbling in Abby's office.

He thought about his confession.

He bowed his head. “Yeah, I think I'm ashamed.”

Andrew stood up from the bench, gesturing for Aaron to take his place. “That's why I want you to come with me and Kevin.”

Aaron didn't understand.

“If you're ashamed, it means that there's the possibility that you'll fall back into old habits.”

Aaron was mid lift and hated Andrew for timing all their conversations at the right moment. “I won't.” He pushed out.

“How do you know?”

He was gritting his teeth now. “I know because I do it every day. Every day I wake up and crave something, I wake up and hope that the world wouldn't feel so heavy.” He was panting. “But I resist. I won't give up, Andrew.” He pushed the weight back up one last time. “I won't let it ruin me another time.”

Andrew just let him stand up without a word, taking his place and cracking his knuckles. “We all know how you get in the summer.”

“No, we don't know.” He let out through gritted teeth.

“We do, brother.” He was smiling. “We had more than one summer to test that out, you get lonely in summers.”

“Not like I'm surrounded by company now.” He muttered.

Andrew finished his repetitions and stood up. He walked to Aaron and pointed a finger on his chest. At least it wasn't a knife. “Listen up, now. You will come with me and Kevin this summer because Nicky won't be home. When Nicky comes back here you can do whatever you want, but while Nicky is in Germany you'll listen to what I say. You'll come with us every day, you'll stay with Abby or at the court, I don't care. The point is: you won't be left alone.”

Aaron tried to protest.

“Uh, uh. No, talking. This isn't negotiable.” He pushed Aaron toward the bench and waited.

Aaron could do nothing but follow instructions.

So Aaron kept doing what Andrew said, he kept his head low and his opinions to a minimum. He didn't know what else he could do: he wanted Andrew to believe him about the drugs, he wanted his brother to be able to trust him and to have the possibility of being left alone, but he couldn't tell him the real reason why he was avoiding Abby.

He couldn't tell him about Abby, he didn't want to tell him about Katelyn and he would never, under any circumstances, let himself slip again.

He had been angry with Abby. He remembered the moment when there had been only rage in his heart, no shame and no guilt, just a warm grey feeling. She had asked if he knew, like it could have been news to him, like he wasn't used to research every single thing he came across to. He had spent hours and hours on the internet and at the library after Andrew's made up clinic. He had read everything about it: how the brain reacted, how it healed, if it could heal and how much time it would take. He knew everything.

He was a logical person, he was a scholar and he had hated the assumption that he wasn't informed.

That's why, when he first had realised that something was off with him he had tried to research it. He had started with books, reading medical publications on growth and development. Maybe he was just a late bloomer, maybe everyone else was exaggerating.

He had let it slip, because it probably was nothing.

The drugs, Andrew, Nicky, his mum. There were too many thoughts in his head and he believed that the less he knew about himself, the better. He wouldn't have to deal with it, if he didn't knew what it was.

But the issue still stood. And the shame and the guilt and that gnawing feeling of: wrong, wrong, wrong.

He felt wrong, dirty, like he was built in a different way. He couldn't file it away and not think about it anymore. The question was everywhere: in Nicky's words when he talked about Erik, at Eden's, in the midst of dancing bodies and soft lips. It was so very frustrating.

He had thought about it, then. Just a drink, one more drink. He would mix it up with cracker dust, he would accept the hand of the first girl who offered and then it all would be over. Just that. Nothing more.

So many times he had been a breath away from caving, from letting the shame and the guilt bring him under, but he couldn't. He couldn't because he would panic, even under the haze of the alcohol and the drugs. He wouldn't know what to do with his hands, he wouldn't know how to dance or how to focus and not recoil. He was good at talking, though, so very good that he had successfully managed to charm his way out of a lot of girls' arms.

After all, it was easy to sound confident and experienced, when he didn't care about the outcome. It was easy to be funny, when he wasn't nervous. And it was so, so, so easy to sweet talk when he really didn't think anything about the girl that was standing in front of him.

He felt bad at times, like he was using them. But he always made sure to set his priorities straight from the beginning. He always asked what they wanted and if they answered with dancing, he was in. If they answered with kissing, he would gladly comply; but when they asked him to get out of there or to join them in the bathroom, he would quickly refuse, make up an excuse. He would always find his way back to the table, downing shots and letting his beating heart calm down.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!  
> I hope everyone is alright and safe.   
> Here's a new chapter, thank you so much for reading and sticking with this fic!

And so days went by. Aaron kept his head down and did what Andrew told him. He studied, he tried to not look too obvious in his avoidance of Abby and found solace in his time with Katelyn.

They had grown so close in the last months, sharing meals and secrets and facts. They aced their tests and Aaron felt so much lighter whenever she was around. Nicky asked after her and she asked how Nicky was doing. He realized that he wasn't afraid of letting these two parts of his life mix, so he relaxed, enjoying the company and the appearance of normality.

He had told her about Eden's while they walked to the library, explaining how Nicky had managed to find him and Andrew a job. She told him about the small town she lived in and about his brother. It was fair and simple and easy and Aaron couldn't ask for more.

“So you like dancing?”

He smiled a little, a bit sheepish. “I do, but I'm not really good.”

She smiled back. “Well, you don't have to be good to have fun.”

“Yeah.” He easily agreed, because with Katelyn everything was easy. “You?”

She scoffed. “Oh, I'm not good. Not at all, no sense of rhythm whatsoever.”

“But you are a cheerleader?”

“Yeah, but it's different when it's choreographed. You get better after every rehearsal.”

“Well, that makes sense.”

“Of course it does.” She patted the note book in front of him. “Like my take on the topic.”

“That's not true!”

She crossed her arms. “It is, Aaron! Tell me one good reason why people shouldn't adopt.”

“I didn't say people shouldn't adopt!”

“You said people in same sex relationship shouldn't.”

He groaned. “I didn't mean that, you know it.”

She just stared at him. “Well, apparently I don't, because the way you phrased it was really not that well thought out.”

“I just-”

She interrupted him. “Do you think Erik and Nicky wouldn't be good parents?”

“No!” He thought about it for a bit, passing all the possibilities in his head. “No.” He added more quietly. “I think everyone would be lucky to have Nicky as their guardian. I mean he did a pretty decent job with me and Andrew.”

Katelyn smiled. “He did, didn't he?”

Aaron glared at her. “I just stand by my point that they should be evaluated before, to see if they meet the requisites to bring up a baby.”

Katelyn scribbled something down. “And don't you think that it should be done with all kind of parents?”

He remained silent.

She went on. “Even biological ones. The only requisite for a lot of people to become parents is just to have sex. It's nothing.”

He didn't think it was nothing, but he let her speak.

“But for other people, the ones who can't conceive or have trouble doing it, for whatever reason. For other people is really difficult and they have to fight for it, to seek it out and to battle every step of the way. Isn't it more valuable than just an act often guided by lust?”

Aaron thought about it. He really thought about it.

He thought about his mum and Nicky and how just a few months ago Nicky had told him that at least he cared about him, not like Tilda. He didn't think his mother was ready when she got pregnant, he didn't think she would have ever been ready. Nicky, on the other hand.

He had so much to thank Nicky for. Nicky was the best guardian they could have ended up with, not Luther or the system or even Wymack. Nicky was the best option and he knew that Andrew agreed with him.

Yeah, Nicky deserved it, if he wanted it. There was no one out there who deserved it more than him, who was capable more than him. And Erik, too. Aaron wasn't the biggest fan of his, but he had to admit that Erik saved them too in his way: he had helped Nicky buying the house, he had been there for Nicky when it got to be too much, he even offered to be there for the twins. They hadn't accepted it, but the offer was still standing and that was all that mattered.

He closed his notebook. “Okay, we'll go with your take. Now can we go get coffee?” He tried to sound bored.

She finished her notes and capped her pen. “I'm glad you finally managed to see the light. I was sure you could do it.” She patted his shoulder, an aborted motion to ruffle his short hair. “Now let's go get coffee.”

He batted her hand away, annoyed, but the smile blooming on his lips was impossible to fully hide.

He tucked everything neatly into his backpack and watched Katelyn trying to stuff everything in hers, only strength and chaos to back her up.

He shook his head. “You're a menace. Come on.” He started walking towards the door. He knew she would follow.

He let himself imagine the scene: Katelyn struggling to fit everything in her bag, pens falling off of it and her reaching for them quickly, juggling to not let them touch the ground. She would hurry her steps and adjust her sweater, the sleeves, the hood and ultimately tightening her ponytail. Finally, she would fall into step with Aaron, balancing her bag on her hip to close the last zip and striking a weird conversation. He would reply and they would laugh and she would smile. And, oh, God, did he love her smile.

He stopped dead in his tracks.

Katelyn bumped into his back. “Aaron! What's up?”

He shrugged her off. “Nothing.” He didn't want to turn around, he didn't want her to see the blush creeping up his neck.

He just kept his voice steady and resumed walking. “I thought I had forgotten something.”

“No, we took everything.” She patted her pockets. “I would have told you if you had forgotten something.”

He smiled at her. “Thanks, Kate.”

“Oh, no problem. You know that's nothing, no need to thank me.”

And he knew that - no, it was better - he was sure of it. So, so, so very sure. Katelyn had his back and he had hers, these were just facts. Pure and simple facts, inevitable and unchangeable.

These were facts and he was sure and he was so thoroughly fucked.

He smiled at Katelyn again. “Come on, coffee is on me.”

She beamed. “Thanks! I want tea, though.”

“I know.”

“Lemon tea.”

  
“I know.”

This time it was her turn to smile at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Highlights of this chapter that made me pretty happy about posting it:  
> 1\. Katelyn defending Nicky because she literally met him for 10 minutes, but she already know that he's an awesome person. Nicky deserves all the love.   
> 2\. That " _Oh_." moment of realization that finally caught up to Aaron.  
> 3\. Katelyn's stupidly clattered backpack that gives me anxiety every time I write about it. Plus, her love for tea, because she's a nerd.   
> 4\. Aaron nonchalantly saying that coffee is on him like he didn't already mentally checked that he had enough money on him to avoid making a fool of himself.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Guys, I'm tired and this is not beta read (like the whole fic by the way, not that something is changing), so, yeah, sorry if there are some errors. Sometimes english eludes me. (Also, totally calm me out on that, I'm all here for constructive criticism.)  
> Hope you like it nonetheless!
> 
> The vibe for this while writing was the beginning of Panic Song by Green Day, the vibe while editing was I'm a Believer by Smash Mouth. Make of this what you want.

So, Aaron might or might not have be going through a minor mental breakdown.

He had let himself shrug those weird feelings off while they were taking coffee, he had let himself forget about it. He acted normal and composed, but that was easy, because she was Katelyn and he knew Katelyn. Everything was easy with her and he wasn't tired anymore. He hadn't been tired in a long time, since that winter, since Katelyn's promise and her questions and the fact that she had laughed at him when he had told her that neon yellow was a good colour.

He hadn't let himself think about it while he was with Katelyn, because it was easy to stay focused on her while they were together. He cared about her and didn't want to make a fool out of himself again.

He hadn't let himself think about it, but he was a man of science and he was alone in his dorm: Nicky out with his study group and Andrew and Kevin at the court.

He was a man of science and he was alone in his dorm and he was panicking. He kept pacing and breathing and looking at the ceiling. He kept pacing and breathing, but he couldn't stop panicking.

Oh, god, he was panicking.

He sat there, in the middle of the room and tried to calm down, but his ribs kept squeezing his lungs and his heart was so loud he was afraid it might burst through his skin.

He was panicking because this was all so sudden, but didn't feel sudden. It felt more like something that had been blooming in him for months, but he had realized it only now. It was too big to be something new. How could have he not noticed, something so big, something so deep, sneaking up on him? How could he have let it be for so long without realizing? How could he-

He stood up.

He was breathing and pacing and panicking, but he was a man of science, so he steadied himself. He let the air be still in his lung, feeling the burn, feeling his ribs trying to squeeze the life out of him. He let it out, slumping his shoulders.

He walked to his bed and took the Iliad from under his pillow. He opened it on the first page. The book had been renewed so many times that he thought the librarian hated him. “It's for an elective course” was his lie.

He opened the book and started following the words that he knew by heart with his eyes, whispering them under his breath and letting himself be rocked by the rhythm. So familiar, so true. He let the words drag him under the warm blanket of calmness, under the exhaustion that always crept in after a scary dream.

He didn't know how much time it took him to calm down. He didn't know how many new words he had memorized, but he was good now. He was good and he was rational so he took a notebook out of his backpack. It was one for the courses that Katelyn didn't share with him.

He took his notebook, he took his pen and he started writing.

He thought it couldn't be love, because the way he looked at Katelyn hadn't changed, not really. He still wanted to spend time with her and study and let her scold him during debate class. He wanted to see her smile and recite the words of the poems for her. He wanted to see her happy.

But he hadn't forgotten the words he had told Nicky. He had told him that she was average, she was normal, nothing new, but that was not true. That wasn't true, because Katelyn was good. She was funny and smart and rude, but he liked that she was rude. He liked that she had forgiven him, that she trusted him, that she called him out. He liked that she had seen the ugly in him, the rage that festered and the fear that blocked him, feet on the ground and unable to run, and she had accepted it. She had accepted it like it was normal, like it was nothing. And maybe Aaron wanted to hold her hand for that. He wanted a hug, a proper hug, the ones that bruised your ribs and made you feel small, protected and loved. He wanted this and he wanted to give it back, because that was his relationship with Katelyn: trust and equality and acceptance.

He remembered the first time he had researched it. He remembered looking up these websites and all these labels. He remembered hating the idea of labels. He didn't want one. He didn't need another one. He was already so far away from what was considered normal that he might as well be playing in another league.

He remembered thinking that he didn't need another tick off his list: a Fox, an addict, the son of an addict. He was angry because he didn't need another badge of honour as a lost cause.

He remembered being scared.

He remembered being scared of it being certain. He didn't want anything to feel permanent, not again, not something that he couldn't choose. Not something he didn't have any say about.

He remembered hating it and trying to distance himself from this knowledge.

He couldn't forget all those negative emotions, but he also couldn't forget the feeling of relief. Relief that it was common, maybe not normal, he still couldn't accept it as normal, but it was something that existed. He remembered thinking that if he was (but he wasn't). If he was, he could still be okay, live with it, people did it. He was doing it, even if unconsciously, but he was doing it.

But he wasn't. So he let that drop.

He hated all the websites that opened with the phrase “You're not broken”. Who said that? Where were all the scientific studies? Where were the thesis and the graphs and the data? And, above all that, what if he felt like he was? You could tell a crippled horse that it wasn't ruined, but it still wouldn't run the same as the others. He would always feel different and he would always feel lonely, because he wasn't going to tell anyone. Not like he needed, though, because he wasn't.

He wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't.

But if he was?

Oh, god, what if he was?

He had never been in love. Sometimes he thought it was a conscious effort, he thought he just had to pick someone and decide to let himself fall. He thought that maybe people faked it and that you didn't really fall in love, but you rather walked in it: bright lights and sure signs pointing the way. You just had to decide. Only then, only after choosing you could take the leap, step in it, test the waters, let your feet sink in and feel if the ocean was too cold.

But sometimes he thought that it shouldn't be an effort. It wasn't true if it was conscious. That wasn't what movies and songs and fairytales talked about.

What if he finally met someone, what if he finally let himself be lead into it, testing the waters and holding their hand. What if he finally managed and then he couldn't step farther? What if he was happy with the shallow waters, but the hand kept tugging him to the deep end?

He couldn't do that to anyone. Not to someone who he trusted, not to someone he had opened up to, not to someone he had let in.

Aaron was a man of science, so he thought back over those words, because they sounded familiar. So he repeated them in his head, like he had with the poem. And it all clicked, because that person was Katelyn: he trusted her, he had opened up to her and had let her in. Of course he couldn't be perfectly sure, he had to admit that they still had a long road ahead. This was just the beginning.

And that was exactly the thing that surprised him the most: it was the beginning. It was the beginning and they were green and they were new, but he knew. He knew, in the deepest chamber of his heart, that she would never ask him to follow her to the deep end. He knew that if he told her that he was feeling good just staying near the shore, that he was feeling safe and comfortable and at ease, she would let him be. She would crouch down in the water, till it covered her neck, and pretend to be swimming in the ocean. She would find a compromise and she would offer her hand to him, if he ever decided that the ocean wasn't really that scary, but she wouldn't push him.

And he wouldn't too, he would gladly stand there, waves lapping at his calves, and look at her diving under the blue water of the sea. Because she would be happy and he would too and they would be together. That was all that mattered.

They were their own people and he was sure they were friends, best friends, and he was sure he loved her. It didn't have to change anything. It didn't need to mean anything, if they didn't want it to. But the possibility was there and it was enough to make Aaron feel giddy.

He hugged the notebook to his chest, because he was a man of science and these were facts. He hugged the notebook to his chest, closing it over the copy of the Iliad and smiling at the ceiling. He was giddy and he was scared and he felt tethered.

He let out a huffing laugh, a sound of relief and comfort. A sound he had never thought he would hear in his life.

He didn't know if he was made for relationships, but he was sure he was made for loving. He just had to figure out what kind of love fitted him best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again complaining about the english language not having terms to distinguish platonic love and romantic love. It's just Love. In a way it's beautiful, but on the other hand it's not so functional when trying to describe Aaron's mental breakdown about his love life's realizations.
> 
> Kevin, trying to bond over the possibility of a shared interest: “So, I see you're reading the Iliad.”  
> Aaron, holding the book: “I don't know what you're talking about.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll just leave this here.  
> Hope you like it!

Katelyn passed him a folded paper. “Here.”

He opened it and found a black and white copy of her hand staring at him. He just lifted an eyebrow at her.

“Well, I have yours, you have mine.” She shrugged.

He was befuddled. He couldn't believe her. “This is so fucking stupid.”

She just stared at him for a bit, then shook her head. “Well, it is, yeah. But I didn't want to spend money on you and this seemed the next best thing. I wanted to leave you with something, a reminder.” She huffed. “Just. Don't be a stranger this summer, okay?”

He was still staring at the paper. “Okay.”

“You can give it back if you don't want it.” He could hear a smile in her voice.

He looked up at her. “No. No, I'll keep it.” He folded it and put it carefully in his backpack. “It's a gift.”

She was beaming. He had never seen Katelyn like that, but he liked it.

He lifted his hand. “Promise that you won't be a stranger too, but that you'll tell me to fuck off if I'm annoying.”

Katelyn lifted her hand. “Only if you promise the same thing too.”

Aaron nodded, Katelyn nodded back. They shook hands.

So, Aaron hadn't told her. He hadn't told her because he hadn't really made up his mind and because he didn't want to make things shaky just before they had to part for the summer. He didn't want to leave it all in the hands of chaos and the difficulties of communicating through text.

Aaron hadn't told her, but he was happy all the same.

He was happy because this had been the last debate class they had to attend, this had been (hopefully) Katelyn's last appointment with Dobson this year. He was happy because they had decided to go out and eat together for the occasion, to say their goodbyes now and not rushing it during the next days, while they had to pack and meet their teams and prepare their luggage.

He was happy because Katelyn had apparently kept a folded copy of her hand in the pocket of her jeans all this time: during debate class, during Dobson's appointment and during their lunch. She had kept the stupid paper in her pocket till they were sitting on the grass, exchanging stories and laughters and enjoying the last hours of this year together. She had waited for them to be laying in the sun to give it to Aaron.

He thought there was care in that gesture. He thought there was purpose.

He could see the sun shining over them and reflecting on Katelyn's hair, he couldn't understand himself: who could think that this was common, that this was average? Nothing was common here. Everything was extraordinary and great, because so was Katelyn and now her hair wasn't just brown: it was full of shades and a bit curly and nearly chestnut.

It wasn't just brown, because when the sun settled perfectly on it, it shone. It shone and it shifted its colours and bathed her in a crown of lights.

Aaron couldn't understand how he had thought that this girl was average, when she was everything but.

Katelyn was extraordinary and he felt like that too. He felt special because of this, of the normality of the situation, of how used he had become to it. He felt proud for Katelyn, because she wasn't hiding under a sweater anymore: he knew that she had one stuffed in the galaxy that was her backpack, but she wasn't using it. And maybe her cheeks had been red right after Dobson, and maybe her neck had been hidden behind her hair, but she didn't feel the need to hide. Not from Aaron. And he felt that too.

He felt extraordinary and proud and lucky. He felt good and relaxed and at peace. He let the sun kiss his hair and wondered how Katelyn saw it, but he didn't really care, because what mattered was that Katelyn saw _him_. She saw him like nobody had done before. She saw him and his flaws and his shame and she did care, she did, but she let them go. She didn't cling on to them. She didn't make them all he was.

She saw past and she saw him and the most important thing was that he wasn't afraid of that. Not anymore. He had opened up, he had let her look. He hadn't met her eyes while she gazed at the ugly parts, at the rage and the guilt, but he had let her be. He had faith in her.

And she. Oh, god, she had looked and she had observed and filed away every part of him. Gathered in her hands and cradled in her heart. She had watched and she had smiled, putting her hands under his chin and lifting his gaze, letting him meet her eyes.

And he. Well, he had looked at her and he had seen the “ugly parts” and had seen her avert her gaze. He had took her hands and let her step in the light to look better, to look carefully. Because Katelyn's “ugly parts”, Katelyn's past and guilt and sorrow, those parts, they shone too. There was nothing ugly in her.

It was true, there had been ugly in her life and her past, but she hadn't made them hers. She had grown and she had bloomed and she kept doing it.

He told her.

“You know, Katelyn, you're the best student in our class.” It was a small thing. He couldn't tell her all he thought, a day wouldn't be enough.

She was startled.

He knew she couldn't see it, not yet. He knew she didn't want to believe it. But it was true. “It's true.” He told her. And then he closed his eyes, because some things are better said in the dark. “And you're a good friend too and I'm glad that I met you.”

He had his eyes closed, so he didn't see her leaning in, but, when she hugged him, he was ready. He clinged to her back and listened to her frantic breaths, felt her tears on his neck. And he held on for dear life.

“I'll miss you.”

He chuckled, his voice was wet, but his eyes weren't. He knew that his stupid red nose would give him away, but he didn't care. “You've already told me.”

She gripped his t-shirt. “And I'll tell you again.”

He let her tears fall down his neck, feel the path they traced, carved it in his memory. He wanted to keep it, this moment, because these tears weren't born from rage or hatred or sadness, they were born from care and it had never happened to him. He closed his eyes, so that the light of the sun wouldn't give him away. He knew his eyes were wet too. “I'll miss you, too.”

She held on.

“Every day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK. AT. THEM.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
> Sorry for the late update, but I've been a bit busy. I actually love this chapter because the editing I had to do was minimal and I hate editing. I hope you like it too!  
> Thanks to everyone who keeps reading and commenting, I received a lot of comments these past few days and I want you to know that I read every single one of them even if I still haven't replied. You really make my days! Thank you! 💛

They had finished packing their things, leaving the dorm empty and anonymous. Andrew was loading his obnoxious car for his third trip to Columbia, the next will be the one to lead the four of them to the house. Kevin, naturally, was making every trip.

Andrew had told them that it was to help him unload the boxes and the beanbags, but Aaron doubted it, he saw how Kevin still hesitated to use his hands and favoured his right one. He didn't know what was really going on with Kevin and Andrew, he didn't know the details of their deal, but he could recognize when Andrew was being protective. It only stung a little bit to be left behind.

He had Nicky, though. Nicky and his too loud laugh and too German boyfriend. Aaron had seen more of Erik's face during this single day than throughout his whole life. He still made fun of him for the accent.

Nicky had been talking non stop to him for the past two hours, trying to drag Aaron in silly conversations and stupid inside jokes. Aaron was really happy for Nicky, but he felt so relieved when he finally hung up.

“So, Aaron, have you said your goodbyes to your friends?” Nicky looked so proud, Aaron couldn't help but shove his head away.

“I have, actually.”

Nicky smiled. “And where's Katelyn going? Is she one of those rich people who fly to Hawaii?” Nicky was wiggling his eyebrows.

Aaron couldn't help but smile a bit. “No, she's staying at home with her family. She was really happy about spending some time with his brother.”

Nicky beamed at him. “Like you, then!”

  
Aaron scoffed. “Exactly like me, Nicky.”

“Oh, come on, you know I'm kidding. I hope you won't kill each other while I'm gone.” He stopped, a finger on his chin. “Or Kevin. Please, don't kill Kevin, the world won't survive the loss of that beauty.” He fake swooned and draped himself over Aaron.

Aaron just pushed him away. “Gross.”

“Come on, Aaron, you have to admit he's handsome.”

“I don't have to admit anything. Just stop.”

“You never let me talk.”

“Not true.”

“Not about Kevin. Or Erik.”

“I let you talk about Erik.” Aaron pointed at his phone. “I talk to Erik!”

“Yeah, but not about Erik, Erik.”

“What the fuck does Erik, Erik even mean?” He threw up his hands.

Nicky wiggled his eyebrows. “You know what it means.”

“And I wish I didn't, Nicky.” He knew his tone was harsh, but he didn't care. Not right now.

“You're not supportive.” Nicky crossed his arms.

“It's not that I'm not supportive, it's that it grosses me out.”

“Same thing.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

Nicky opened his mouth to talk again, but Aaron preceded him. “Just stop, Nicky.”

Nicky didn't look happy, but he put on a smile anyway.

When Andrew finally came back and they made their final drive to Columbia, Aaron brought all his stuff up to his room and started unpacking. He loved the routine of it, he loved to see all the things he owned and decide where to place them, how to hide the precious ones. He had never felt more alive than in this moment, laying on the middle of the floor, in a room that he could call properly his. He took the last item out of his backpack, it was the Iliad, Katelyn's “gift” - if you could call a copy of a hand a gift – was sticking out from between the pages. Aaron placed the book right in front of him and snapped a picture.

He opened his texts to send it to Katelyn, he started typing: “Finished unpacking”, no, too lame. He tried again: “See, I'm not being a stranger.” no, she wouldn't even remember their conversation.

He started again: “Hi, Katelyn” no, too formal. He cancelled the message again, his thumb slipped. He sent it: “Hi, Ka”, nothing more, and a picture of his messy bedroom attached.

He groaned and covered his face. Immediately his phone chimed.

“I see you're back to being bad at texting.”

Aaron smiled. “Stop making fun of me on the first day of vacation.”

“Aaron, I can see your biology textbook, I don't really think you're planning to actually BE on vacation.”

He really couldn't help but smile. He felt so silly. He had never had someone like this. “I bet you have your books too.”

“I do but they're still hidden away. I'm taking it easy for a while.”

Aaron smiled. That was good, she deserved it. “Have you seen your brother? How did it go?”

His phone began to ring, he felt like he could jump out of his skin. Why was she calling? Andrew could hear them. Oh, god.

He took a deep breath and answered the phone.

“Finally!” She was cheerful, but there was shortness of breath hidden behind those words. “I was afraid you wouldn't pick up.”

Aaron believed her. “Oh, come on, you know I would never pass an opportunity to be made fun of.”

She chuckled, a bit more relaxed. “I don't _always_ make fun of you.”

“Well...” He started laughing, relieved to hear her voice, light and devoid of worries. “Did you travel safely?”

“You sound like a grandpa.” He could picture her smile. “It's not a long journey, my brother picked me up, so that we had time to talk before my parents started fussing over me. It was nice.”

“I'm glad.”

Silence fell between them, but Aaron felt content. Just staying there, on the floor of his living room, talking with his best friend that maybe was a bit more. He blushed, no one was looking at him, but he could still feel the red heat crawling up his neck. He scratched his head and cleared his throat. “So, what are you planning to do this summer?”

Katelyn huffed. “Don't know. Spend some time with my brother, meeting my old friends, trying to walk down the streets with my head held high. The usual things.” There was lightness in her voice, but he could feel the weight of her words. “Maybe I'll go to the pool. I'll take care of my pets and probably call you often.”

He had wanted to ask her a bit more about her fear, her anxiety, but those words hit him so hard that he couldn't help but feel a bit breathless. “Really?” He knew he sounded like an idiot.

“Really. If you want.”

He nodded so eagerly he was afraid he might strain his muscles. “Yeah! Maybe we can decide on a time, so that we both know that the other isn't busy.” So that Katelyn won't worry if he doesn't immediately pick up.

Katelyn chuckled. “Aaron, we're on vacation, no one's busy.”

“Well, you might go out with your friends.”

“True.” She agreed. “What do you think about right after dinner, or lunch, if we're busy.”

“That's good.”

“Good.”

“Talk to you tomorrow, then.”

Katelyn was smiling. “Yeah, Aaron, tomorrow. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

He hung up his phone as a happy man.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I have to thank every single one of you! I just saw all the comments and the rec on tumblr and you're all so kind, I don't deserve you 💛💛💛  
> I'm really busy right now and I don't have a lot of time to write, but you really keep me motivated and make me want to finish this story as soon as possible so that I'll be able to share it all with you. I've been thinking about making some edits for the end of it, so if you have some lines or scenes that you particularly like just let me know and I'll try to include them (hopefully it'll turn out pretty haha). (Also this makes it sound like we're basically at the end, but we still have a lot to go. Neil is not even here yet! I'm surprised you're not bored haha.)  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! And thank you again! 💛💛💛

“Andrew, the door!” Aaron yelled from his perch on the couch, phone in hand and a stupid exy game playing in the background. He glared at Kevin, how did he even find a channel that showed an entire exy games at ten in the morning? He didn't even pay for tv, or anything, here.

Not that Aaron was paying for it, but still.

There were perfectly fine cooking shows throughout the whole day, how did they manage to get stuck on exy? Why wasn't Andrew saying anything?

Aaron scratched his head, his hair was almost completely grown out and he'd have to shave again soon. He yawned.

“Nicky! It's for you!” Andrew was still standing in front of the door, a delivery man uncomfortably shifting from one foot to the other.

Nicky came bolting down the stairs. “Yes! It's here!” He signed the paper and took the package from just outside the door.

“What is it?” Kevin asked.

“This, my dear Kevin, is the reason we won't melt during this summer.” He turned the package around. “A swimming pool!”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “That's a kid sized swimming pool, Nicky.”

“And you think I didn't notice? I'm not rich, Aaron.”

“Why did you buy it then?”

Nicky didn't look amused. “Because I knew that you all” he passed his gaze from Aaron to Kevin to Andrew, pointedly searching for their eyes. “get all grouchy and grumpy when it gets too hot. I just thought it would be nice to be grumpy with our feet in cold water. Just that.” He shrugged.

Kevin nodded. “That's good, for blood circulation-”

Nicky cut him off. “We could also tan!” Then eyed Aaron and Andrew. “At least me and Kevin, you two can attempt to not turn into little lobsters.”

He walked out of the room, Kevin just behind him. Aaron heard him ask Kevin if he had swimming trunks, if not he could borrow some.

Andrew was still standing there, Aaron looked at him: “What the fuck?”

Andrew just shrugged. “I'd love to see Kevin in neon pink trunks.”

They looked like a deranged circle from hell. Four chairs were placed around the pool, a small table near one of them, Nicky was mixing some kind of cocktail and humming along the radio. They were all sitting in various stages of undress, they all had bags under their eyes and no one had bothered to shave since they first arrived at the house.

Aaron thought they looked more like desperation personified than an attempt at relaxing. There was an analogy with the four horsemen of the apocalypse in there, but he couldn't quite grasp it.

Andrew was still fully dressed, armbands in place and black sunglasses covering his eyes. Aaron knew he would end up burning the bridge of his nose anyway. Nicky was wearing light blue swimming trunks with little pineapples on it and a flower necklace stolen from one of Eden's themed night. Kevin was already tanning and Aaron hated him for that, Nicky's pink trunks clashing horribly with the green muscle tape Abby had covered him in, the hem of Nicky's borrowed swimsuit barely reaching mid thigh and making Nicky beam.

Aaron scowled at all of them. He hadn't bothered with swimming gear, they wouldn't swim after all. He had just discarded his t-shirt and kept on his basketball shorts, applying sunscreen and hoping that it would be enough to avoid sunburns.

Nicky sighed. “Isn't this better?”

“Than what?” Aaron asked.

“Don't know, sitting inside all day.”

“I don't sit all day.”

“We know, Kevin.” Nicky lightly patted him on the shoulder. “That's why you're so ripped and we're so human.”

Aaron chuckled at that.

Kevin scowled.

“You know what? I'll join you on your morning run from now on, I want to stay in shape till I see Erik.”

“You should always stay in shape. You're an athlete.”

Nicky glared at Kevin. “I do. Beside, that's not the point, Kevin.”

“You see, he's a bit vain, Kevin. I think you know what it means.” Andrew chimed in.

Aaron hated Andrew's drugs, but he appreciated the sense of humour that came from them. At times. When it was not aimed at him.

Kevin cleared his throat. “I know what he means, I was just pointing out that physical appearance is not the main reason to train. Just a pleasant side effect.”

“Yeah, pleasant.” Andrew echoed him.

“You two should join us too.” Kevin offered.

Aaron scoffed. “Not even if you pay me.”

“How much whiskey are we talking about?” Was Andrew's counter offer.

Kevin leaned forward, trying to meet Andrew's eyes under his dark sunglasses. “Just think about next season, we could be great. We have potential to-”

Andrew flicked some water at him and Kevin ceased to speak. “I hear another word about potential and I swear I'll break my own arm right before next season starts.” The smile never left his face.

Kevin leaned back down on his chair, bitterness and disappointment clouding his features.

Nicky put a hand on his shoulder. A silent request to let it all drop and forgive Andrew. Aaron had lost count of how many times he had seen that exact gesture.

“At least you could do it for yourselves.” Nicky said, trying to get in the playful mood from before. “Maybe just to impress someone. I can't believe there's not even one girl you're interested in.”

Nicky was looking at Aaron, but it was Andrew the one who spoke up. “No girl, sorry.” He was smiling, all teeth and venom. Aaron was afraid of meeting his gaze. “Besides, we have a deal.”

Aaron fixed his gaze on the swimming pool. “Yeah, Nicky, you know we have a deal.” He kicked at the water, wishing for the waves to take him under. “Stop asking.” He didn't want it to sound like a threat, but he hoped it had come across as one.

Andrew nodded at him, teeth bared and eyes hidden. “Yeah, Aaron, tell him.” He stood up and patted Aaron on his shoulder. “Kevin is not the only one who can keep a promise apparently.”

He kept his smile on the whole time, Aaron was shivering. Andrew turned towards the house, gesturing for Kevin to join him. Kevin immediately stood up, not even bothering to dry his feet and crossing the few meters of grass separating him from Andrew.

Aaron and Nicky were left alone.

“Aaron, I'm sorry, I was just trying to test the waters.”

Aaron snapped, vicious and quiet at the same time, fearing that the wind would bring their words to Andrew's ears. “What waters? For what? Why did you have to upset him? To remind him?”

Nicky stood up, discarding his cocktail and joining Aaron on the other side of the pool.

Aaron started to tug his shirt back on, suddenly uncomfortable and wanting to leave. Nicky placed a placating hand on his arm. Aaron hated how it reminded him of what Nicky did to calm Kevin down.

“Listen, Aaron.” Aaron shrugged him off, but stayed there. “I just wanted to see if he'd change his mind, I like Katelyn and I don't want her to experience Andrew's rage.”

Aaron clenched his jaw. “What does Katelyn have to do with any of this?”

Nicky lifted his hands, like he was trying to soothe a scared animal. “Well, you see, Katelyn is your friend and she's a girl. You know that could be misleading at times, maybe Andrew could get the wrong idea.”

“Well, I don't get the wrong idea with him and Renee, so he shouldn't have difficulties understanding that.”

Nicky looked at him for a bit, concern in his eyes. He looked like he was debating something. He decided to speak. “Just in case it could become something else. I just want you safe, and Katelyn too.”

Aaron stood up. “I know what I'm doing, Nicky. I don't need your concern.”

He was already walking away when he heard Nicky say: “Yeah, but maybe you could use a helping hand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I call this chapter "how many times can I hint at the fact that Andrew likes boys without anyone aknowledging it?"


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy!  
> What's up you wonderful people? I hope everyone is alright and safe and relaxed.  
> I'm a bit busy though, so I'm slow to reply to comments, but I do see all of them and appreciate them. Thanks to everyone who's still reading, you're all awesome! 💛💛💛

“Aaron! How are you?”

“Mad.”

Katelyn laughed, just full on belly laughed. “What a surprise.”

He just mocked her tone. He couldn't bring himself to think further.

“Oh, come on. Don't be mad at me too!”

“I'm not.” He grunted.

“It doesn't sound like it from your tone.”

He just remained silent, not wanting to speak and sound grumpy.

Katelyn sighed. “Hey.” He could hear her settling down on her bed, sheets rustling and springs creaking. “Just start from the beginning.”

He took a deep breath. “Nicky bought a swimming pool.”

Katelyn hummed and went quiet for a bit, then: “That's it?”

He didn't know what to say. How could he explain to her that he got mad at Nicky just for insinuating that he liked Katelyn? How could he say that and not reveal that, maybe, now he knew what butterflies in his stomach felt like? He had went his whole life wondering what that would feel like and had to realize it at the worst possible time, for his first friend after high school. He felt like such a failure, like he was betraying Katelyn and himself. He had spent so much time arguing with Nicky that she was just that - a friend - and now he had to go and ruin it.

Stupid feelings and stupid butterflies.

Besides, it didn't even feel like butterflies. It felt like vertigo, like going too high on a rollercoaster, the moment just before the drop. It didn't feel life changing, Aaron could swear he had basically felt the same thing every time he had went too long without eating.

And wasn't that worse than admitting he had feelings for Katelyn? He could imagine himself: “Yes, I think I like you, but I'm not sure this is what it's supposed to feel like. Maybe I'm just hungry.”

He sighed. He was an idiot. A pure and simple idiot.

He banged his head on his desk.

“Aaron?”

He let out a muffled sound, it could have been a reply, it could have been him finally breaking down. He didn't know.

“You okay? You're scaring me.”

And he didn't want that, he didn't want to scare Katelyn, not ever. “No, please, don't worry. It's nothing serious, Katelyn, I promise.” He scratched his chin. “Just a strange day.”

“You sure?” Her voice was low, full of concern.

“Yeah, I'm sure.” He cleared his throat and straightened his back. “I'm sure. I just need a distraction. Would you mind telling me what you did today?”

“Okay.” He could picture her nodding, pulling her hair behind her right ear. “But you have to promise me you'll tell me to stop if you want to talk about it or if I'm getting boring.”

He could see her holding up a finger in warning, he could see her brown eyes shining with determination and still a bit of residual concern. He could see her hands coming up to tighten her ponytail. He could see her eyebrows, quirked and waiting for an answer.

“I promise.” He said.

Her smile was taking up his whole mind, the shy, quiet one. He could feel it under his eyelids, burnt there like sunspots.

Suddenly he felt hungry again, his stomach empty. He placed a hand above his t-shirt, trying to will the sensation away.

She started talking, all quiet tones and snarky words.

He felt his stomach drop.

They ended the call an hour later, Katelyn trusting that Aaron was okay and Aaron believing it. He went to brush his teeth, his heart light and his mind empty. He kept thinking about her, trying to figure out what he was truly feeling. It was something new for sure. It was admiration and pride and fondness. He was afraid to call it something more, but what if it was?

Oh, god, what if it was?

His chest felt heavy all of a sudden, he kept turning on his back, tangling the sheets and staring at the ceiling. His heart was racing, because he was an idiot and couldn't get a grip on himself.

This meant nothing. It was still nothing, Katelyn knew nothing. So why was he getting all worked up from just the idea of the possibility?

He didn't want the possibility. He had never wanted it. He had had girlfriends. No one who he had cared about like he did for Katelyn, admittedly, but still. He knew what having a girlfriend would entail and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

He was sure he wasn't.

Moreover he didn't want to ruin his friendship with Katelyn just because he' d like to try to hold her hand and brush his fingers through her hair.

He remembered something Dobson had told him during one of her monologues: “Sometimes it's helpful to just try and play the situation out in your head. Andrew does it too. It helps to think before acting.”

Aaron had ignored her, because he believed that this was exactly his problem: he thought too much, not able to work on instinct.

“You know, just fantasize about it, the possible scenario. I think it could be helpful for your rage too, Aaron.”

He had just scoffed at her in that moment. Rage, what did she know about rage?

Besides, what person thought that a fantasy and a potential scenario were the same thing?

“You can replay it times and times again, see how it changes, but most importantly analyse what's the common denominator in all those situations.”

Aaron had tried, times and times again, after his nights at Eden's, when he was dancing with the help of the drugs. The outcome was always the same: he imagined himself walking away with a girl, not meeting her eyes, kissing her in the dark. Always in the dark, full of anxiety and shame. His hands would wander, not really knowing what to do. He would be clumsy, trying to remember how other people would react in these situations.

He was always drunk, in all of this scenarios. Drunk or high, too afraid and not brave enough to do what other people did so simply. He had gotten close a few times, chickening out at the last moment, hating himself and his clinical mind for it.

He remembered his first kiss, eyes wide open and waiting for his instincts to take over: they never did. He had thought he was too young, just give it a few years, but his girlfriends seemed okay with it, so he forced his eyes closed and his mouth to work. He felt sick just at the idea of it.

He heard Dobson's words: “What's the common denominator in all those scenarios?”

 _That I'm drunk_ , he thought.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry for the late update, but I lost track of time and forgot that Friday was an actual day in the week. Anyways, in this chapter Aaron reflects on his sex life, nothing explicit, but I just wanted to let you know in case it bothers you. It took me a bit to write this chapter because I really wanted to be clear about how Aaron feels about intimacy and the possibility of it, I hope after this you'll understand him better.  
> Thanks for reading! 💛💛💛

Aaron stayed up all night, thinking about his life, his choices, his mum. He always found himself thinking about her after bad days. He came back to those few sweet memories before she started taking drugs again. He thought that maybe it was his fault, maybe she started using again because he wasn't an easy child. Nicky told him that it wasn't like that, more and more times, but the doubt still stood.

He remembered how they would curl up on the couch the night before Christmas when he was little. They would go to mass, waiting for Nicky and his parents in front of the church, and then they would stay up late. She would put on a movie and allow Aaron to open just one gift at midnight. He always went for the smallest one, wanting to leave the best for the morning.

He thought maybe his mum could give him advice, but his mum was worse than him at relationships. Abby was the next person who came to mind, but he was still angry with her.

He ended up circling back to Dobson's words: “What's the common denominator?”

_That I'm drunk_ , he thought again, but he couldn't tell that to Dobson. He couldn't say that to anyone.

Plus, Dobson apparently didn't know the difference between a fantasy and a scenario, because they were two really different things in Aaron's head.

In his common scenario, when he tried to think about how he would handle intimacy, rationally and openly, he always found himself at Eden's, drunk out of his mind and maybe a little drugged. Every time he would see the dress of the girl and her hair and her lips, but he never managed to see her face.

He would let the girl lead him away from the dancefloor, he would manage a smile and he would do anything she wanted, but nothing more, just to make it come to an end. He would always use a condom, even in his drugged state he was sure he wouldn't forget it. He was terrified.

He hated thinking about the possibility, but too many times he had come so near to just do that. He just wanted to get this over with, to prove himself that he could do it too. He was sure he would be able.

That's when his fantasy started.

In his fantasy he wouldn't be at Eden's, in a foggy bathroom and with a fuzzy head. In his fantasy he would be laying in a soft bed, full of warmth and sunshine, a brunette girl in his arms. She wouldn't tire of all his kisses or of him holding her hand and asking her everything. She wouldn't tire of his hands never slipping under her clothes, she would simply look at him, honesty in her eyes, and Aaron would know that he loved her. Maybe she loved him back, Aaron would want that so badly, but he would settle for trust and deep understanding.

He would settle for just them: their moments, their smiles, no rush. In his fantasy they would laugh, but he'd never feel judged, it was the laugh of two lovers, not a mocking one.

They would laugh and they would kiss and he would still use a condom, but he wouldn't dread the moment till its end. He would look the brown haired girl in the eyes and they would hug and she would smile.

Sometimes Aaron could imagine tears in his eyes, down his cheeks and over her neck. He would hide there. It wouldn't be perfect, but it would be good and warm and happy, and for Aaron that was enough. He would hold her afterwards and she would kiss him before going to the bathroom. Then, they would sleep, tangled up and still half dressed. The happiest dreams of their lives.

Aaron got up from his bed, abruptly and slapping a hand on his face. He knew he hated thinking about it and he knew that Dobson's advice was always bullshit. Why did he even bother?

He was the first one up, he decided to make coffee for everyone. Kevin was still snoring on the couch, so he opted to sit on the porch, looking at the sun slowly rise.

He had come to a conclusion: he liked Katelyn, he really did, but was it worth to ruin their friendship over it? What did he have to offer her? Them dating wouldn't even change their relationship that much. And there was all the problem about the deal with Andrew.

He huffed and leaned his back against the door. A few minutes later he heard Kevin's muffled voice asking him to let him out.

Aaron stayed put for a minute more, just because he was petty, but he really didn't want to be alone. Even Kevin was better than silence.

Kevin walked out on the porch, the fullest cup of coffee Aaron had ever seen firmly in his hand. “You made this?”

Aaron lifted his eyebrow. “Have you ever seen Andrew do anything that wasn't chopping up vegetables?”

Kevin frowned. “It could have been Nicky.”

“You know he doesn't wake up till noon, if he can help it.”

“He promised he would come running with me.”

“He won't.”

“I think he will. He seemed serious.”

Aaron snorted. “Yeah, keep believing that, Kevin.”

Kevin just downed half of his coffee. “Then tell Andrew I'm out running when he wakes up.” He stood up and started jogging down the street.

“I'm not your babysitter, Kevin!” Aaron emptied his discarded coffee cup in the grass. “Don't go too far!” He yelled again.

He hated taking care of his brother's business. If Kevin got kidnapped on his watch, he wouldn't even care.

He finished his coffee right in time for Andrew to join him on the porch. Aaron remained seated on the steps, while Andrew kept standing, looking at Kevin's retreating figure.

Andrew lightly kicked his knee. “Look at me.”

Aaron huffed, but slowly lifted his head to meet his brother's eyes.

“Already?” Was Andrew's only question.

“Already what?”

Andrew's voice was still clear, not muddied by the drugs yet. “You didn't sleep last night. It shows.”

“Well, you didn't either.” He pointedly stared at Andrew's tired face.

“I'm not the one who gets depressed in summer and craves drugs.”

“I don't get depressed.”

Andrew kicked him again. “You do.”

Aaron shoved his foot away. “Shut up.”

“Promise you'll tell me.”

“I'm sick of making promises. Besides, there's nothing to tell, because I won't end up an addict again.”

“You can't know that.”

“Well, you can't know that I'll end up as one either.”

Andrew nodded.

“Just have a bit more faith in me, Andrew.”

“I do.”

Aaron didn't believe him.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How are you? I hope everyone is okay and that you like this chapter! Thanks to everyone who's still reading 💛💛💛

“So, tonight we're all going out, because tomorrow is my last day here and because you're at each other's throats and I can't stand it anymore.” Nicky was beaming at them, the fakest smile Aaron had ever seen from him. “You ruined my call with Erik with all your yelling, so I'm frustrated and stressed and I need to get drunk. Understood?”

Nobody nodded. 

Nicky clapped his hands anyway. “Good!” He pulled his hair up in a mini ponytail over his head. 

Aaron thought about Katelyn, but shook his head, trying to get rid of the memories. They had been talking more and more, often at night, when Aaron was sure no one would bother him and no one would listen. A couple of times he had even fallen asleep to the sound of Katelyn's voice. The first time it had happened he had woken up to a text making fun of him, but the second time a Goodnight text was waiting for him. He had thought that was sweet, so he had sent a Goodmorning one back, hoping that Katelyn would think the same. Then he had paced his room, anxiously waiting for an answer and overthinking it. Katelyn's reply was easy and funny as usual.

Aaron shook his head again, why wouldn't these thoughts leave him?

He would get drunk tonight, he would dance with Nicky and have fun. That was all summer was supposed to be, wasn't it?

“Okay, I'm in. Eden's?” He said.

Nicky looked at him gratefully. “Obviously.”

“I won't take my meds. I'll drive.”

“Andrew, you can't. That's where it all happened.”

“I assure you, Nicky, that if something like that had to happen again, I would kill the idiots. Drugs or not drugs.” He tossed the bottle of medication to Kevin, who caught it. “I wonder what it would feel like to see someone bleed while I'm on drugs.” He was still smiling. Aaron shivered. 

“Don't say things like that, Andrew. I know you're not like this.” Nicky was pleading. 

“Then you don't really know me.” He gestured for Kevin to follow him and they walked out of the living room.

Nicky sighed and looked at Aaron. “I wish he would come back.”

“I don't know if he's ever been here.” Aaron shrugged. 

“He's been! Don't start bullshit of your own, Aaron. I don't need that today.” Nicky stood up and walked out of the room, probably looking for Kevin or a moment alone. 

Aaron could feel an apology on the edge of his tongue. He kept quiet. 

“Are we ready? Kevin!” Nicky was looking at the twins and yelling up the stairs. 

“I'm coming!”

“I don't know why this boy takes so much time to get ready. His hair is short and his face is already perfect.” He crossed his arms.

Andrew didn't reply, he was off his meds and decidedly less chipper than usual. 

Kevin came hurrying down the stairs. “Not my fault I'm the only one without a proper room.”

“You could share with me.” Nicky winked. 

“Nicky.” Andrew warned. Aaron was glad he didn't have to say anything.

“What?” He stomped his feet. “I'm stressed and lonely. You know it's all a joke.”

Andrew kept glaring at him, but Kevin replied with a shy: “Sure.”

They all let it fall. 

They all piled up in the car, Nicky and Aaron in the backseat.

Kevin kept glancing at Andrew, whose hands were clenching the steering wheel like he couldn't quite believe himself. Kevin stuffed the pills in his jean's pocket. “Are you sure about this?”

Andrew just nodded and revved the engine, immediately a too loud song started playing from the speakers. 

They didn't stop at Sweetie's because Andrew didn't trust Aaron, so he settled on drinking till he couldn't stand anymore. It was more out of spite towards Andrew than because he felt like he needed the distraction, but he felt pleasantly buzzed and he wasn't going to lose this opportunity. 

Nicky had dragged him on the dancefloor as soon as the alcohol had started to hit them both. They had begun to dance as a unit, jumping up and down and screaming the words of their favourite songs. Then Nicky had wandered off to talk to Roland and some of the guys, probably hoping to find someone to dance with. Aaron had found himself in the middle of the dancefloor, buzzing with energy and a quiet kind of carelessness. He felt weightless and out of his body. 

He was in the middle of the crowd, energy rolling off him in waves and mixing with the thrum of the bass. He could feel it echoing in the chambers of his heart. There were bodies pressing against him, arms reaching to tangle with his and hands on his shoulders. He turned around, dancing with whoever was happy to share his space. He was living.

The girl's dress was white, reflecting the blue lights from the ceiling. He couldn't quite meet her eyes, but he liked how she moved: clumsy, but bold. She was smiling, he thought he hadn't stopped smiling till that third drink. He could feel the easy stretch of his lips, if he concentrated hard enough. He felt distant and out of focus, but that was okay: he hated when all he could do was focus. 

Still, his hands took too much time to comply to what his brain was telling them, his sluggish thoughts working against him instead of helping him. The action-reaction connection felt delayed and unimportant: did he even care about a reaction?

He looked up at the girl, he remembered looking up at Katelyn that night in front of her building. He could feel himself smiling at the thought. He wanted to close his eyes again, return to the memory. 

The girl kissed him. He kissed her back, just for a moment. Then he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand: “This doesn't feel right.” He muttered. “You're too tall.”

He headed for the exit that opened on the back alley. He took out his phone and punched in the number that used to smell like blueberry. 

He had to retype it a few times, his fingers were too clumsy for the little buttons of his phone. At least he had a good memory and didn't have to work his way through all his contacts to find the one he was looking for.

He sat down on the pavement, just beside the door. He cleared his throat and combed his hair, hoping that he looked presentable, then he remembered that Katelyn couldn't see him. That was a shame because then he couldn't see her either. He shrugged.

He straightened his back and looked at the blurry number on his phone one last time, then he hit the green call button. 

“Aaron?”

“Katelyn!”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *i abandoned my boy.gif*
> 
> Guys, I'm so sorry I forgot to update and left you wondering how the phonecall with Katelyn would go! I've been working on another fic for an aftg exchange and the deadline is coming up, so I've been a bit busy. Seeing as we're already here: check out the kerejean exchange on tumblr and on here if you like Kevin Day, Jean Moreau or Jeremy Knox!  
> Sorry for missing the update, I hope you'll like the chapter nonetheless!  
> Thanks for reading! 💛💛💛

She sounded amused at first. “You're not grumpy anymore!”

He felt like his smile could cut his face in half. He tested how far his lips could stretch, afraid the edges might tear. “I'm not! I'm happy!”

“Are you?”

“I am.” He let his smile go back to normal. Leaning against the brick wall and bringing his phone closer to his ear. “I've been dancing, but then I thought of you.” Katelyn tried to get some words past him, but he ignored her. He had to let it out. “A girl tried to kiss me, but she was too tall. I didn't like it.”

“Did you want to be kissed?” Katelyn sounded careful.

“Not really.” He shrugged. “I don't really know usually. If it happens I let it.”

“But you didn't want this time.” She sounded like the only logical one between the two. It felt strange, because usually he was logical too.

“Not with her.” He nodded sagely. “She's too tall.” He stared at his shoes for a bit. “Taller than you.”

He could feel a flood of words pooling just behind his lips. Katelyn stopped him. “Are you just drunk?”

He could see the starts spinning over his head. “Uh?”

Katelyn cleared her throat. “Are you just drunk or did you take drugs too?”

“Nah, not drugs.” He looked at his shoes again, he kicked at the pavement. “Andrew doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm depressed, but I'm happy, Katelyn! I called you because I'm happy.”

“I can hear it, Aaron.” She ignored him when he told her that he had been dancing, again. “Where is Nicky?”

“You're not listening to me.”

“I always listen to you, that's why I think you should go find Nicky. I think he might be looking for you, you can dance when you find him.”

“I could dance right here.”

“There's no music.”

“I could sing.” 

He had hoped that would make her laugh, but she just sounded serious. “Just go find Nicky, please?”

He got up, brushing the dirt from his jeans and leaning against the spinning wall. “You want to talk to him? He leaves tomorrow.”

“Okay, after you find him I'll talk to him.”

“He likes you.” He walked past the door, phone still next to his ear. Katelyn couldn't hear him anymore, but he kept talking. He didn't want to hang up on Katelyn without being assured that they'll talk tomorrow. 

He found Roland. “Where's Nicky?” Roland pointed to a corner near the dancefloor. Aaron nodded and assured Katelyn that they were almost there. He couldn't hear her reply, so he kept humming the song that the dj was playing under his breath.

Nicky was standing with two guys, Aaron shoved past them. “Nicky!” He felt his smile coming back. “Katelyn wants to say hi to you before you go to Germany!”

Nicky looked puzzled, but excused the both of them and lead Aaron to the Staff Room, so that they could talk in peace. Aaron shoved the phone at his face, clumsy and uncoordinated. “Katelyn wants to talk to you.”

“Does she?” Nicky looked a bit surprised, but took the phone nonetheless. 

Aaron kept humming the song he could still hear through the closed door. The quiet counting of Nicky in the background matched the rhythm of the bass: 1,2,3,4. Aaron found himself breathing in time, the words of Katelyn's poem echoing in his head. 

They stayed there for a while, then Nicky hung up. 

“Hey! I wanted to say hi too.”

Nicky looked sad. “I'm sorry, Aaron, but Katelyn was really tired.” He nudged him upright. “You can try to call her tomorrow.”

“I can't. You won't be there and Andrew won't leave my side.”

Nicky passed him his phone. “You can pretend you need to talk to me. Or you can call her when Andrew's sleeping.”

Aaron was still trying to fit his phone in his pocket. “Andrew never sleeps.”

“So do you.” Nicky hummed under his breath. 

Aaron let him brace his arm over his shoulders. His phone had finally managed to slip into his pocket. He just wanted to check it to see if Katelyn had written something, he just wanted to make sure they'd talk tomorrow. 

Nicky intercepted his clumsy hand. “Uh, uh, no phone now. You're drunk.”

“Not that much.”

Nicky just let go of his arm in response, gazing pointedly at Aaron's awkward attempt at regaining his balance. 

Aaron glared at him, but let himself be helped once again. “Maybe a little. Drunk.”

“You don't say.” Nicky muttered again, then he hoisted Aaron's arm higher on his shoulders and started moving. “Come on, we have to find Kevin. He'll be more wasted than you.”

Aaron just focused on his feet. They were the only things that were not spinning.

Him and Kevin were slumped in the backseat, both their heads leaning on opposite windows. Nicky was in the passenger seat and Andrew was driving. 

“He's doing it again.”

Nicky turned his head to look at Aaron. He just pretended to be sleeping. “What?”

“He gets sad in summer.”

Nicky turned back to Andrew. “He's not sad. You just have to let him breath a little. I think some time apart would be good for you.”

“I won't leave him alone.” Aaron hated to hear the difference in Andrew's voice when he didn't take his medication. He hated that all this clarity was aimed at him. “He was the one who wanted us to reunite after all.”

“He wanted a brother, Andrew, not a guard dog.”

“Maybe he should have asked for one then. God knows Tilda had one too many boyfriends laying around. I bet one of them would have been willing.”

“Stop.” Aaron slurred.

“He lives.” Andrew remarked, apathy and venom laced in an unusual mix. 

“Andrew.” Was Nicky's only attempt at a warning. 

“Why did you drink that much?”

“Ask Kevin, maybe he has the same answer.” He hated that his words were still slurring.

“I don't care about Kevin.”

Aaron scoffed. “Doesn't seem like it.”

He could imagine Andrew narrowing his eyes, he could see Nicky tightening the grip on his seatbelt. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he looks more like your brother than I do.” 

Andrew hummed but didn't say anything else till they got home. He just exited the car and opened Kevin's door, letting him nearly fall if not for his seatbelt. He gestured for Nicky. “Take care of him, I'll help Aaron.”

“I don't need your help.” He was still trying to unbuckle his seatbelt. 

Andrew swiftly clicked the button in a show of coordination and smugness. “Apparently you do.”

“Fuck you.”

Andrew ignored him and followed him up the stairs, not carrying him, but always there when he stumbled on the next step. Aaron wanted to yell at him. 

When he got into his room he slumped on the bed, face upwards and shoes still on.

Andrew punched the lights and Aaron's eyes were flooded by the brightness. He groaned. 

“Take your shoes off and turn on your side.”

“I won't throw up.”

“I want to be sure.”

Aaron just smiled at him. “Well, you can't.”

Andrew's hand hitched at the hem of his armband. 

Aaron just scoffed and started taking off his shoes. “As if.” 

His brother waited for him to be fully settled under his blanket before speaking. “You'll come with us tomorrow, that's non-negotiable. You're getting bad, Aaron.” 

Aaron didn't reply. He was laying on his side now, not because of Andrew's request, but because he didn't want to look at him. He was all curled up towards the wall, his phone still trapped in his pocket. He didn't say anything and waited for Andrew to give up on him. 

Andrew shut the door and let his room fall into darkness.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry for being bad at replying to comments these days, but I'm busy. I appreciate every single one of them and I'm so happy you're still reading!  
> Just a heads up for this chapter because Aaron panics a bit and he's anxious.  
> I hope you like it! 💛

"Aaron." Nicky's voice was soft. Too soft for Nicky to be his usual self. 

  
The headache pounding behind Aaron's eyes suggested that he could be the reason for it, not Andrew. Not Kevin.

  
He groaned.

  
"Yeah, I know." Nicky slowly settled on the bed, behind Aaron's back. He nudged him a bit till he turned his head and cracked his eyes open. "Here, take this."

  
Nicky was holding a tall glass of water and two painkillers. 

  
Aaron took thewater and waved him away. "Not the pills."

Nicky sighed. "So Andrew was right."

  
Aaron made a displeased sound muffled by the water. He shoved the empty glass at Nicky's chest and turned back around. "Andrew is never right."

  
Nicky sighed again.

  
Aaron hated when Nicky sighed. It remembered him of how he would behave with Andrew or handle Kevin's rude remarks. "Don't sigh." He gritted out. 

  
Nicky placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, turn around at least."

  
Aaron shrugged him off. 

  
Nicky took his hand back. He got up. Aaron thought he was finally giving up and leaving him alone. Nicky just closed the door and came back to the bed. "Hey."

  
Aaron shrugged him off again. 

  
Nicky just went on. "We have to talk, Aaron." His voice was low, but still dangerous. "I don't know if you remember, but last night-"

  
"Shut up!" He covered his head under the pillow.

"Just shut up, Nicky. You know I remember." 

  
"If you do, you should text Katelyn then. Or call her, that would be better." Nicky lifted the pillow. He looked worried. "She sounded scared."

  
Aaron closed his eyes. Maybe he should have taken the pills after all. He knew the nausea would follow him till he talked to Katelyn, till he was sure she was okay or that she didn't want to speak to him ever again, but the pills could have at least dulled his headache. 

  
He digged for his phone, immediately plugging it in and saving what little battery remained. He saw a few messages. "Just give me a few seconds, Nicky. I promise I'll be there for when we have to leave for the airport." He waived a hand through his sweaty hair. "I'm sorry."

  
Nicky patted his shoulder. "It's good. Just text Katelyn, okay?"

  
Aaron nodded, pointedly staring at his feet and trying to get his stomach under control. 

  
Nicky left the room and Aaron lit up his phone. There were three messages from Katelyn waiting for him. The first was a missed call, ten minutes after the other had ended. He opened the messages. 

  
_Aaron, I'm sorry to bother. Nicky told me he'll take care of you and I trust him but you made me pretty anxious. I'm not mad, I promise I'm not mad. Just call me when you can._

  
Aaron could see her freaking out. "I'm an idiot."

  
The other message was of an hour and a half later, probably while Aaron was already sleeping in his bed. 

  
_I'm assuming you're sleeping it off. I'm having trouble trying to sleep so I'm out on a walk with my brother. I'll probably sleep in in the morning, so if I don't reply it's because of that, not because I'm mad. My brother tells me to stop texting, so I'm going now. Sorry to bother._

  
Aaron wanted to cry. He just punched the mattress and stood up to pace the room. He wanted to scream and run and just sleep forever.

"I'm a stupid fucking idiot." He took a deep breath, a scream was clogging his throat and making his lungs ache. 

  
He took a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom. He just wanted to scrub last night off of his skin, till he was clean and new and raw. He wanted a fresh mind, a fresh life. He laughed bitterly at that: how many times had he ached for a new beginning? How many times he had found himself regretting the past? 

  
That's the problem with constantly beginning again, after all: the present is just one, while the pasts keep piling up. Weighing and dragging and festering. 

  
He kicked his old clothes in a bucket, debating whether setting fire to them or just washing them. He wanted to throw up, his skin was too tight and his chest was too heavy.

  
He stepped under the scorching hot water, letting it run over his head, his eyes, his tears. Trying to burn away the memories. That wasn't true, he didn't care about the memories, he'll keep them, he'll shoulder them. What he cared about were the errors, the ones you couldn't erase. You just had to make up for it and he didn't have the clarity to do that at the moment. The water kept turning his skin red, raw under the hot rain, and he couldn't stand the sight of it. It reminded him of hoodies and chipped nails and shortness of breath. He just closed his eyes again, letting the water run over his back and not really doing anything, afraid that if he moved he would explode. 

  
He counted his breaths, he repeated the poem. He digged his nails into his forearms, crossed over his chest and keeping him upright. He could feel his ribcage trying to burst, to let his heart free of jumping out of his chest, left to bleed over the white tiles. 

  
He shook his head and tried to send away the thoughts clouding his mind. Every droplet of water a black weight crushing his mind, like little pebbles of a deserted beach. 

  
He took a deep breath and steadied his lungs. Shampoo, soap, shampoo again. He let the soap burn his eyes and the tears wash it all away. 

  
He walked out of the shower.

  
He kicked the bucket with his discarded clothes once again. He uncurled his fingers and flexed them in front of his eyes, counting to three and then back again. Once, twice. Once more. 

  
He felt like he didn't have a voice anymore. He was afraid of testing it for fear of what words might come out. He just brushed his teeth and took several deep breaths. His lungs still wouldn't work at full capacity, his throat was still closed and aching. 

  
He placed a hand on his neck, he felt himself breath some air in, he let himself breath it out. He cleared his throat, no sound came out. He tried again, nothing. He closed his eyes. 

  
He tried again. 

  
A chocked sob left his lips. 

  
He gripped the sides of the sink, they were blurring. Another sob made its way out of his chest. He could feel his heart in his ears. He wanted to laugh at that, he had never felt his heart, no connections with it whatsoever. The traitor. He just wanted to carve it out. He was sure the pain was coming from it. 

  
He tugged on his hair. He just needed to be quiet. 

  
One, two, three. Three, two, one. 

  
His eyes were dry, his throat closed off once again. He didn't test it this time. He just wouldn't speak. 

  
He took his clean white t-shirt and a pair of red basketball shorts. He couldn't stand the sight of black, he didn't want to be mixed up with Andrew. 

  
He walked out the door. Took his phone and went to join Nicky. 

  
Nicky didn't speak, he knew when Aaron wouldn't reply. He just made some space on the coach for him and handed him his sunglasses. "I won't need them in Germany and you..." he trailed off. "You." He just gestured for Aaron to take them and motioned at his eyes. "Just. Let's sit outside, okay?"

  
Aaron nodded and followed him. He put on the glasses and sat down on the porch. 

  
He took a deep breath. 

  
_Hey, Katelyn. I'm sorry I made you worry, I realize now it was stupid of me and I'm sorry. I'm okay and I hope you are too. I'm so sorry. I know you're probably still sleeping, but text me when you're awake so that I can call you._

  
He sent it.

  
_Or just call me. No need to text. I don't want you to get anxious over it._

  
That was his number one priority. To hell with Andrew and his deal, he just needed to hear from her now. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> I had a reallyyyy hard time writing this chapter, I think I have written at least 5 different versions of it and edited even more, I'm still not super sure about it but I actually can see these two behaving this way, so at least there's that. I hope some of my struggles with writing translated nicely in Aaron and Katelyn's struggles with talking 🤞  
> Also, this is strange because on one hand I've been waiting to write a part of this chapter since the first time I've written about Katelyn, like, it was literally one of the first things I thought about. On the other hand, even though everything in this chapter was planned out since ever and basically inevitable, I found myself a bit lost (more than a bit). Anyways, c'est la vie 🤷♀️ Hope you like it!!  
> I call this chapter "You thought I wasn't going to give Katelyn her canon blonde hair, eh?"   
> Thanks to everyone who keeps reading!! 💛💛💛

Nicky hugged him at the airport, nearly knocking the sunglasses of off his face. Aaron held on to him a bit longer, a bit stronger. 

  
He made a promise to call whenever he needed, for anything. 

  
"Even if it's for telling me how annoying Kevin is being, okay?" There was a fake cheer in Nicky's voice. Aaron tried to appreciate it.

  
He nodded his agreement and wished Nicky a safe flight.

  
"I'll text you when I land."

  
Aaron quickly hugged him once more and ran to keep up with Kevin and Andrew, already marching towards the car.

  
Andrew had decided to stay off his meds and drive them immediately back to Palmetto. He had forced Aaron to pack his things: notes and textbooks and so many highlighters. Aaron double checked for his phone charger. He didn't know when Katelyn would call. It was still early, 9 a.m. 

  
He hoped she wouldn't call during the ride back to Palmetto, but he was ready to lie to Andrew if it came down to it. A friend, a study partner, someone unimportant.

  
He shook his head and hid behind Nicky's sunglasses. This was important.

  
She was important.

  
He really didn't know what to expect. He hoped she wouldn't scream at him, he would hate that. Rationally he didn't think Katelyn would do it, but he never knew. People changed and apparently he was the only one to stay the same, no matter how much effort he put in. 

  
He avoided Abby, heading directly to the backyard and sitting down on one of her chair. He watched the clouds go by and change shape, grey under Nicky's sunglasses. He tried to think about nothing, but still made sure that the sound on his phone was turned on. The clouds kept shifting their shapes and he could feel bile in his throat. His voice was still lodged in the depth of his lungs, aching with the strain of holding it in. 

  
It was still 11 in the morning. He just had to wait.  
He jumped at the clattering sound the mug made against the table. Abby smiled at him, apologetically. Pityingly. Aaron hated that, they were back at pitying smiles, just like after their appointments. He rolled his eyes and grunted while getting up from the chair. 

  
In his head he had made some excuse about needing a nap. He took his bag into Abby's guestroom, locked the door and plugged his charger in. The small battery sign glared at him, growing stronger every second. He closed his eyes, Katelyn was probably still sleeping, they were on vacation, she would call soon. 

  
He laid back on the bed, counted the seconds tick by. Hoped that Andrew and Kevin would stay on the court till midday.

  
His phone rang.

  
He jumped for it.

  
"Hi." She sounded groggy.

  
"Katelyn." He cleared his throat, his voice was still shaky from disuse. "I'm sorry, I-"

  
She groaned and interrupted him. "Later." Just a word. "Later."

  
He was puzzled. "Later what?"

  
She yawned. "I know you're sorry and I know we have to talk about it, I'm sorry if I worried you, but I just woke up and I don't feel like immediately dealing with it. Is that okay?"

  
He let out a wild laugh. "You're not mad? We're still friends?"

  
She yawned again. "Of course we are, you dumbass. I texted you yesterday that I wasn't mad."

  
He let himself fall back on Abby's guest bed. "Well, that's a relief."

  
"How is that?" She sounded more awake. "I trust you, you know I trust you, and I know you're willing to work on this." She took a moment. "And you're free to walk away."

  
He thought about one of their first conversations. "I don't want to walk away."

  
"I'm glad." He could hear her smile.

  
"Thank you." He whispered. For everything.

  
There was a moment of silence, then Katelyn huffed. "Too many emotions for this early in the morning."

  
He chuckled. "It's nearly noon."

  
"Well, I didn't sleep well last night."

  
"I-"

  
She didn't wait for him to finish his sentence. "Don't say you're sorry. Not yet." He could hear her settling back down on her mattress. "I didn't sleep because I dyed my hair."

  
Aaron could recognize a desperate attempt at changing topics when he heard one. He decided to hold on to that. "Yeah? What colour?"

  
"Blonde." There was relief in her voice. "Now I look like a real cheerleader."

  
He let out a laugh. "You already looked like one, with the pom-poms and everything."

  
"So you do know we cheer for the exy team." She teased.

  
"I know you cheer for me." His heart was threatening to fall out of his chest. "You're always the first one."

  
"I am."

  
And then there was silence. Too much silence. Katelyn cleared his throat. Aaron's thoughts were speeding 80 miles per hour, his heart was trying to shatter his sternum. 

  
He decided to laugh. "I'm glad you didn't choose to cheer for Kevin."

  
She held on to that. "Tall, with a face tattoo and looks like a superstar?"

  
"Yeah." There was irony in her tone, but he was still bitter. 

  
"Nah, he already has too many admirers for my liking. Don't you two get along? You're on a team together."

  
"Do you get along with all the other cheerleaders?"

  
"Well, yeah. With someone better than with others, but still."

  
"That sounds impossible to me."

  
She chuckled. "Well, I'm sorry. It must be hard to work on a team like that."

  
"Everyone does whatever they like." He shrugged. "We work like that."

  
"I'm sure you'll be awesome next season, then." There was mirth in that statement.

  
"I'm sure we will." He could taste the sarcasm on his tongue. "Kevin is already training." 

  
"Now?"

  
"Yes. And he and my brother dragged me along, but I refuse to play. So does my brother, I think."

  
"You're on campus?" She sounded disbelieving.

  
"I'm at Abby's, our team doctor." He huffed. "Till Nicky is in Germany I'm stuck here."

  
"You don't like her?"

  
How could he reply? "I don't mind her, but we kind of fought last time I had an appointment with her."

  
"Why?"

  
"She asked for things that were none of her business."

  
Katelyn just hummed. 

  
"Yep." He attempted to lighten the mood. "So, why did you decide to dye your hair?"

  
"Well, I was kind of panicking yesterday night and I needed something to focus on. My brother helped me." His attempt had failed miserably. 

  
He groaned. "I'm sorry, Katelyn. I know I already said that, but I want you to know that it won't happen again, I'll do my best. And-" He hesitated. "It wasn't drugs, if that's what you were worried about. I promise."

  
"I believe you, Aaron. I just-" Apparently this was as difficult for her as it was for him. "I'll just appreciate it if you won't call me again if you're that out of it. It made me anxious and I didn't know where you were and it all piled up." 

  
"I'm sorry." He felt like a broken record.

  
"I know, just promise you'll try."

  
"Of course I'll try."

  
"Thank you."

  
"Of course." He said again. 

  
They relapsed back to silence. Aaron wasn't ready to end this call. 

  
Apparently Katelyn wasn't either. "Did you have fun at least?"

  
He shrugged. "It was fine, normal."

  
"And that girl bothering you?"

  
"What girl?"

  
"The one that kissed you. You said you didn't want her to."

  
He mentally slapped himself. "Ah, yes. It's fine. It happens, it's Eden." He scratched his neck. "I just let it happen."

  
"You let it happen?" He was sure he was getting everything wrong because her tone kept growing in confusion. 

  
"Yeah, I mean." He shrugged. "Sometimes I let it, sometimes I don't." He wanted to reassure her. "You never know for sure you'll like it, you know, before it happens."

  
"Happens what?" Katelyn's tone was leaning more towards concern now. 

  
"Kissing." He rushed. "Kissing." 

  
No answer came from the other end of the line. Or maybe it was him who couldn't hear it over the beating of his own heart.

  
He went on. "You can't know, you know, if you'd like."

  
Katelyn stayed silent. She gave him space. Sometimes he wished she wouldn't, that she would just tell him to shut up and end his struggle.

  
He groaned, picking at the loose threads on Abby's duvet. "No, not like, but want." He gathered his thoughts. "You never know if you want it before, you know," He shrugged again, trying to get rid of the awkwardness. "it happens." 

  
He was sweating. His hands were clammy. Why was explaining his thoughts so difficult? He was usually good at it. 

  
He just stared at the ceiling. "Just. Let's drop it. That's what I fought with Abby about."

  
"The team nurse?"

  
"Yeah." He closed his eyes even though Katelyn couldn't see him. "She made me promise to stand up for myself and that was okay, don't get me wrong, but she was a bit too overbearing." He shrugged. "I don't want to talk about it." He could feel his eyes filling with tears.

  
"I won't force you, if you don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that I'm here. Just in case." 

  
He could picture her smile, he gave her one back, even though she couldn't see him. Even though his eyes were shining. He wanted to hug her for not making it a big deal. "Thank you."

  
"No rush." 

  
"Okay." He kept smiling. "Okay."


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> So, like, I'm feeling a bit bleh these days about my writing and this fic, so I wanted to thank everyone who keeps reading and commenting (we reached 100 kudos, baby! 🎉). You really keep me going with this project, literally. Thank you!! 💛💛💛  
> P.s. also, I'm open to constructive criticism, if some of you notice some things that could be done better!

Aaron was feeling lighter. So light and free that, that evening, as soon as Nicky texted him his plane had landed he called him. 

He was still in Abby's guest room, laying on the quilt. The frail threads he had thorn during Katelyn's call were now a comforting presence under his hands. Something to play with, instead of something to eradicate. 

He felt lighter. He felt brighter. 

"Aaron!" Nicky was always cheerful, but Aaron could read the emotions that laid just beneath the surface. "What a surprise! What's up?" 

He was anxious.

Aaron took a deep breath. "I'm fine, Nicky. I just wanted to tell you that I called Katelyn."

A bit of silence. "And?" 

Aaron swore he could actually hear Nicky's frantic heartbeat. He shrugged. "And nothing. She's okay now, she says hi."

"Say hi back." Nicky's answer was hasty. "Thanks." Curt. "But what did she tell _you_ , Aaron?"

"Honestly?"

Nicky cursed in German under his breath. "Of course, honestly, Aaron." There was a thud from the other end of the line, probably the suitcase. "I'm having an heart attack here, just tell me." He cursed another time. "What did she tell you?"

"That I'm an idiot but we're still friends."

Another loud bang. Aaron grimaced. Definitely the suitcase.

"Thank god!" 

Aaron was afraid the whole terminal could hear Nicky. He was afraid Katelyn could hear Nicky, and she was a continent over. 

"You scared me, Aaron. Just cut to the chase next time, will you?"

Aaron picked at a new thread on the quilt, thinking about what to say.

Nicky interrupted his thoughts. "I'm happy, Aaron. I'm so happy for you and that Katelyn is feeling better. She really sounded scared yesterday."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, you have to tell her that."

"I already did, but I wanted to tell you too. Thanks for dealing with me."

"You're my cousin." He could hear a smile in Nicky's voice. And he could hear the exact moment that smile turned into a grin. "And Erik is my boyfriend and - my heart, Aaron - I didn't think he could get more handsome. I wish you could see what I'm seeing because-"

"Oookay." He groaned. "Have a nice holiday, Nicky."

He ended the call.

Nicky just texted him two kissy faces back.

They ended up sleeping at Abby's for one night. Him and Kevin. Andrew was staying at Wymack's, probably for some whiskey and to talk about the new recruitments. Aaron hoped they wouldn't end up with another runaway to babysit. He didn't really mind Kevin, he tolerated him like he tolerated the rest of the team. The real problem was Andrew. He knew that he never really had a great relationship with his brother, but he felt like every opportunity for that had been squashed by Kevin's arrive in their little group. 

It wasn't Kevin's fault after all, it was Andrew's behaviour that did it. Kevin was just the easiest target to blame, the one who wouldn't retaliate. 

He laid there in Abby's guest room while thinking about it. Katelyn's question made him wonder. He didn't really care about the team. He cared about his grades and his future - or the hope for one. He cared about his family, that they kept on breathing, the rest was superfluous.

And that was the point of his whole life, wasn't it? Just enough to get by, to stay even, to avoid the scale would tip too much over the dark side. He had always been neutral: neutral and grey and scared. But Nicky had now made him aquatinted with the concept of more and Katelyn had made him consider happiness. He had felt content and balanced and bright.

And wasn't that a shitty feeling?

Because when you finally have something, then you have something to worry about too. He had never been afraid of loss - well, except for his mum - but now the thought paralyzed him. He finally had something, he earned it and worked for it, and the thought of loosing it was enough to make him stall.

He was afraid of wanting. He was afraid of living. 

Maybe that's why he had accepted Andrew's deal. Maybe he had been afraid. He had just gained Andrew's trust: the deal was the only way to insure that Andrew would always stick around. And Nicky with him. What if he had to give up a meaningless relationship or two for it? He still had his family to lean back on. And this deal was sealed in blood, not some flimsy sentiment he didn't even feel. There was certainty in it. 

The problem was: there was certainty in Katelyn's too. And that, sure as hell, didn't feel like a flimsy relationship. He knew she was working on it as much as he was. He knew she was working on herself. He knew he was managing to stay afloat, waddling through the endless pit that was his bad character. He was trying too. 

It felt a lot like Mutual Assured Destruction, but reversed. 

He couldn't back down, not because he didn't want to and not because the consequences would be catastrophic (they wouldn't be, Katelyn had assured him), but because he didn't want to. And wasn't "not wanting" exactly the opposite of wanting?

Like science hypothesis: if he couldn't come to a solution through reasoning, he would get through it by elimination. He was afraid of what he might want, but he was even more angry at the idea of feeling hollow again. He dreaded that grey feeling that was a mixture of rage and annoyance. He didn't want to go back. If he could hold on to this even for just a few months, a few years, he would gladly do it. It was a risk he was willing to take, just to chase that normalcy, or the appearance of it. 

He didn't want to be a fox, he didn't want to be a sob story. He couldn't control those things, but he could delimit them. He could fake it, it didn't matter, he just wanted to chase the feeling.

He was a man of science and he would keep seeing Katelyn. He had analyzed his chances: the worst that could happen was that he and Katelyn would never talk again, but nothing else, no remorse and no fear. She had asked him this. It was on him just as much as it was on her. He was in control and he could let himself fall. 

He thought about texting Katelyn, but he didn't exactly know what to tell her. He just promised himself he would do his best to avoid making her worry again. He would talk with her, he would make sure they were on even ground. He would do his best to help her when she needed, exactly like she did for him. 

He smiled at the ceiling and checked his phone. A goodnight text was waiting for him, he texted back and added a smiley face. 

He couldn't wait to talk to her tomorrow.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!  
> Thanks for reading, you're all awesome and I appreciate you all so much! 💛💛💛

Unfortunately, Andrew had decided that they would remain at Abby's place for the rest of Nicky's holiday. He had muttered something about Wymack's whiskey and not wanting to wake up extra early to babysit Kevin on the court.

  
Fortunately, that meant that Aaron saw him only for meal-times and the rare occasions when Kevin decided to take a break from practicing. 

  
Abby was doing her best to take care of Kevin's still injured hand, despite Kevin's every attempt at rushing his recovery. Aaron was doing his best to avoid her. 

  
His luck had abandoned him this morning. 

  
"Aaron, good morning! Have you slept well?"

  
It was 11 a.m., Aaron had been awake for hours now. He had already talked to Katelyn, compared notes and listened to her much more interesting holiday's program. He was trying to sneak into the kitchen for some coffee and avoid Abby in the window of time she usually took to exercise.

  
He just grunted at her. Hoping that his suddenly sour mood would be mistaken for morning grumpiness. 

  
"I noticed you've not been eating your breakfast since you've been here."

  
He grimaced: it was better to get this over with rather than let her drag on a conversation on her own. He thought of Dobson at that, she had never managed to make him feel awkward in his silence. He wondered how Abby could. 

  
"I lose appetite in the summer."

  
She hummed, then smiled. "But coffee is always a priority, I see."

  
He looked back at her, frowning at her crossed arms. "Don't you train in the morning usually?"

  
She ignored him and planted herself right in front of the door, her shoulder brushing the frame. "I do." She smiled. "Right after you finish your calls."

  
He thanked the heavens he wasn't sipping on his coffee or he would have choked on it. 

  
"Don't look that surprised. You know, the sound of laughter carries through these thin walls." She patted the house as if it was a faithful dog. She sighed then. "I know you're avoiding me. Or trying to." She shrugged. "And I'm not sure why, but I think it's safe to say that whatever you are trying to keep hidden it's safer with me than with Andrew. Or Kevin."

  
Abby looked at him. "You're avoiding them more than me."

  
"I never cared about Kevin." He grumbled. "And Andrew is at Wymack's."

  
"And I was born yesterday." She huffed. "Listen, we can go back to our usual business where everyone keeps to themselves or we can work with each other. I won't tell on you."

  
He scoffed. "What wouldn't you exactly tell?"

  
She held up her hands. "I don't know. I don't know who you're calling or why you're hiding, but I don't think it's anything harmful." He glanced at him. "I know it's nothing harmful."

  
He was reminded of their conversation about track marks and rolled his eyes. She probably had noticed that pity didn't work on him and was trying to win him over with trust. Or the appearance of it.

  
"What I know is that it'll probably be, if Andrew discovers it. So what I'm offering you is an ally."

She lowered her hands. "I'll keep Kevin and Andrew off your back. I see how Kevin started pushing you to join their practices, I see how Andrew would prefer you to."

  
Aaron was suspicious. He didn't know why she was offering this, he couldn't understand what she could possibly gain out of this whole situation. "What do you want in return?"

  
She shrugged. "Nothing."

  
He knew that was never true. He knew she was probably bluffing, but he was already gambling. He might as well go all in. "No one has to know."

  
"Know what?" 

  
He shook his head.

  
She shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Do you want to shake on it?"

  
He hesitated before grabbing her hand. His mind went back to their last meeting. He thought about her grabbing his hand right before drawing blood. A shiver ran down his spine, but he was sure of this.

  
"Tell me when they come back." He dropped her hand and hurried up the stairs, coffee forgotten.

Katelyn knew about his situation with Andrew. She knew how possessive he could get and how jealous and secretive Aaron could become in return. She also knew about his mum, not too in details, but she knew.

  
Aaron knew about her anxiety and her brother. He now knew about her blonde hair and how she got into science. 

  
Aaron had talked about so many things and listened to even more, so he was surprised every time by how easy it was to fall into relaxed conversation with Katelyn. He thought they had covered all the topics in the world, but here they were, hours after sunset talking about the stars and the moon and the ocean. 

  
Abby had kept his promise and told Aaron she would go on a walk with Kevin with the excuse of talking about his hand. Aaron didn't think it was an excuse, but rather a seriously needed discussion. Anyway, he wasn't complaining.

  
"So, yeah, I've always wanted a swimming pool."  
Aaron smiled at that. "We have one now. Nicky bought it."

  
"I know." She laughed. "You were so angry that day."

  
"I wasn't." He grumbled. 

  
She just laughed at him. 

  
He had grown accustomed to that laugh, it was the effect that came with it that still blew his mind. Every time Katelyn laughed he felt like he could breath easier and like he lacked oxygen at the same time. He could feel his stomach drop and the tips of his ears grow red.

  
He had been afraid of naming this feeling at first, but he was pretty sure what it was now. He was okay with it, much more of okay than he thought he would be. Of course he was still scared to death by the whole situation, but this fear was nothing compared to the joy that was slowly filling his heart. 

  
"Hey, Kate." He took a deep breath. "I really miss you. It's so boring here, I'd rather be with you." He knew he was trying to down play it, but his heart was beating out of his chest.

  
"It's not really that boring here, but I do miss you too." She chuckled, a hint of nervousness on the edge of her laughter. "But it's just a month, then we can go back to boring assignments and all-nighters at the library."

  
"We never pulled all-nighters." 

  
"That's because we're amazing students." 

  
She was using a fake posh accent that made Aaron laugh. "Oh, that must be why."

That night he dreamed about their routine, their shared lessons and their debate class. He felt a bit pathetic at the realization that his comforting thoughts were all so mundane. He also couldn't help but notice that the recurring theme in all those thoughts was Katelyn. 

  
He wasn't scared by that, but rather comforted by it. Like he had finally found a constant in his life that hadn't been dictated by someone else. He felt like he had finally gained some control. He was sure of his position, his feet were planted on the pavement and the road was straight ahead, safe and sure.

  
He was on even ground now and he could take another step if he wanted to.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!   
> I'm back, two days later than planned, but back. I'm officially finished with exams so I'll hopefully have more time to dedicate to the fic and to reply to all your comments, I feel so bad for not doing that earlier but I was kind of busy 😬  
> Anyway, thanks to everyone who keeps reading, you really are awesome! I hope everyone is safe and happy!! 💛💛💛  
> P.s. there's some German in this chapter, the translation is in the end notes.

The days dragged on as usual. Abby was helping him out and spending most of her time with Kevin, Nicky texted him at least once a day and Katelyn-

Katelyn called him each morning and Aaron called her every night. Even if it was just for a few minutes. Those calls were the things he looked forward to during the eternity of boring summer days. He found himself wanting to listen and he was surprised that he wanted to talk too. He kept things in mind that he knew Katelyn would find interesting and waited to share them with her. He liked when she went on wild rants about obviously false information. He liked when she yawned mid sentence, fighting sleepiness to make sure she got her point across. 

He liked her. 

Nicky was coming back in two days, but he couldn't wait all that time to talk to him. He was buzzing, he was full of energy, he needed to know where to direct it. 

He called his cousin.

“Nicky, can we talk?”

“Aaron?” The “R” was too pronounced to be Nicky's, the voice too low. 

“Erik?”

He could hear Erik beaming from the other side of the world. “Aaron! Wie geht's?” Aaron rolled his eyes. They were definitely made for each other.

“Gut.” He kept his voice even and his words clipped. He just wanted his cousin, was it too much to ask? “Wo ist Nicky?”

“Badezimmer.” Erik was still smiling. He hated him. “Du kannst mit mir sprechen. Was ist los?”  
  
Aaron could hear it in his tone that he was having the time of his life. He could imagine him wiggling his eyebrows and all, waiting to make fun of his accent.

"Nichts." He was annoyed by it. The one time he takes initiative and decides to call Nicky, Erik picks up instead. 

Erik just hummed. "Bist du sicher?"

"Ja. Gute Nacht." He hang up. He knew that Erik was trying to help in a way, that he cared about having a good relationship with Nicky's family, but Aaron always felt at a loss with him. Erik had made it: he had a good family, a good job, he knew where he stood with Nicky and was sure about his future. Aaron didn't have all that, maybe he would never, so the comparison stang at times.

He just wanted to talk with his cousin, someone that knew him and knew their parents. Nicky was his polar opposite, but at the same time he was cut from the same cloth as Aaron. They didn't go through the same struggles, but still they wanted really similar things from their futures. 

He just sent a text: "Hi, can I call you tomorrow?" And went to sleep. His thoughts wouldn't stop racing.

He was excited and afraid at the same time. He wondered if Katelyn was feeling the same way. He hoped so, but wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't their case. He was sure she wouldn't be harsh to him, but he couldn't help but wonder how their friendship would resist his confession. If he ever managed to work up the courage to tell her how he felt.

Was it even a confession? 

It didn't feel like a secret. He thought it was obvious that he cared about Katelyn, he had told her so a lot of times now. Their friendship was the single thing that managed to make him smile every time without fail. 

Aaron liked to think that Katelyn cared about him too. He was mostly sure. He knew she was a private person and that she didn't like to throw around words she didn't believe in: she had told him that he cared about him, that she trusted him and that she missed him. Aaron thought that was pretty solid ground; he knew he felt those same things too. 

He also knew that most people probably didn't need just that to determine they liked someone. Other people talked about time stopping and angels singing. Aaron had never felt that. Sure, his stomach did somersaults every time Katelyn laughed, but he didn't feel consumed by her, quite the contrary. He felt like he could finally be whole, like he didn't have to pick which side of his personality he could show to her. He felt safe and welcomed and that's all he's ever asked for. That was exactly what he had hoped for from Andrew, Wymack and the Foxes and that was exactly what they had failed to give him. 

Of course he couldn't deny that some of it was his fault. He thought that most of it had never worked out because he didn't want to be a fox in the first place, but he hadn't wanted to have anything to do with Katelyn at the beginning too. It had just taken some stupid coincidences to make them grow closer: some time spent together and some common interests. He had those same things with the Foxes, but it wasn't enough. He always felt like he was lacking. Or they were. 

Katelyn was just different. She was refreshing like a cool spring day, the one that let you decide how to spend your time: slow and lazy mornings or busy afternoons, trying to catch up with everything that winter managed to keep out of reach. She felt like infinite possibilities and for the first time in his life he felt like he could just pick one with confidence, not worrying about the consequences. 

He kept turning in Abby's bed, replaying the thousands of words they had exchanged during the summer. He thought about their first meeting and even before that, when the only connection they had were the goals his team managed to score. He thought about her hair and her smile, the way she had looked at him when he had asked her for her number. 

And then he thought about their last day at Palmetto before the summer, when she had hugged him and he had hugged her back. 

She was safe.

He was going to tell her, because she was safe. Because he was sure she wouldn't mock him. He was going to tell her because they had always been nothing but honest to each other, even when the truth was ugly and festering.

He didn't think this was ugly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of the German part:
> 
> He could hear Erik beaming from the other side of the world. “Aaron! How are you?” Aaron rolled his eyes. They were definitely made for each other.
> 
> “Fine.” He kept his voice even and his words clipped. He just wanted his cousin, was it too much to ask? “Where is Nicky?”
> 
> “Bathroom.” Erik was still smiling. He hated him. “You can speak with me. What's wrong?”  
>    
> Aaron could hear it in his tone that he was having the time of his life. He could imagine him wiggling his eyebrows and all, waiting to make fun of his accent.
> 
> "Nothing." He was annoyed by it. The one time he takes initiative and decides to call Nicky, Erik picks up instead. 
> 
> Erik just hummed. "Are you sure?"
> 
> "Yes. Good night." He hang up.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I think I'm going to continue with this, I already have a few chapters written down.  
> Let me know if you enjoyed it and if you're interested! :)
> 
> Also, I'm figuringthengsout on tumblr if you want to chat.


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